How Metal Gear Solid Really Happened
by jduran89
Summary: Aug 30, 2004 - CHAPTER 13 FINALLY UP! This is how the game REALLY happened in my little dream world. Rated PG-13 for language and... ...er, stuff. Yeah, stuff.
1. Prologue: The Mission Breifing

**METAL GEAR SOLID**

By Josh D. Blanco

© 2003 Josh D. Blanco

Hi! This is jduran89. Just to let you know, this is my first fanfic. If you got any comments, suggestions, corrections, questions, or just plain hate me, then e-mail me at jduran89@yahoo.com. Thanks for reading!

**Disclaimer**: Hideo Kojima & Konami own Metal Gear Solid.

I don't. Man, I'd love to use Rex to destroy KCEJ. Then it's all mine. You hear? MINE! …ahem… now to continue.

**PROLOGUE:**

**The ****Mission**** Briefing**

**0348 hrs.******

**Bering Sea******

**USS Discovery; Crew's Quarters "D"**

**CAMPBELL****: Snake, we decided to arrest you and throw you in this pathetic excuse for a prison cell for totally unexcusable reasons.  **

**SNAKE: **Don't act stupid, Roy. We're on a sub. And what's with the camera that says, "Proof that Snake owes me $357.98 for a new camcorder"?

**CAMPBELL****: Dammit, Jim! You never told me!**

**???: **[walks in]** Hi, Snake! I'm Dr. Naomi Hunter! I'm you're biggest fan and I want you to die!**

**SNAKE: ???**

**NAOMI****: Er… I mean… I want you to _make people die! Heh-heh…_**

**SNAKE: **Whatever.

**CAMPBELL****: Snake, guess what? FOXHOUND, you're former unit, is gonna launch a nuke! They've actually learned… [sheds a tear] …I'm _so happy!_**

**SNAKE: **…I forgot… who's in FOXHOUND again?

**CAMPBELL****: Psycho Mantis, a Marilyn Manson wannabe with the power to levitate a fork. Sniper Wolf the hot, sexy… [starts drooling] …beautiful… …hot chick…**

**SNAKE: ***sigh* Go on, Colonel.

**CAMPBELL****: [still in trance] …gorgeous hair… nice hooters…**

**NAOMI****: CAMPBELL!**

**CAMPBELL****: [comes out of his trance] …sorry. Decoy Octopus, movie star who played in The Master Of Disguise. Vulcan Raven, a shaman and a powerful Zen master. Revolver Ocelot, some old grandpa cowboy. And Liquid Snake.**

**SNAKE: **Liquid Snake!?

**CAMPBELL****: Yes… the man with the same codename as you. The man who's competing with me for Sniper Wolf… [goes back in his trance] …sexy accent… *I want it with her…* [snaps back out] …anyway… you got all that?**

**SNAKE:** Hmm… let's see… Darth Vader, girl who should work in Hooters, some bum _nobody _knows, a Buddhist Arnold Schwarzenegger, Yosemite Sam's grandpa, and the sexy girl's boyfriend. Got it!

**CAMPBELL****: Good. Now about Sniper Wolf… *she's hot* *zzz***

**NAOMI****: Ignore the Colonelfor now****, Snake.**

**SNAKE:** Why… [grins evilly] …we're gonna have some _fun_?

**NAOMI****: Yes… erm… I meant … well, maybe some other time, Snake… but anyway!We're gonna shave most of your hair off so the guards there don't run away from your head lice.**

[pulls a shaver out]

**SNAKE: **Aah!!! Don't cut my hair! My beautiful hair! Noo!

[BUZZ!]

**SNAKE: **AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**(20 Minutes Later…)**

**NAOMI****: Snake, calm down. Look… all I'm gonna do is inject you with something called "FoxDie." Er… I mean… an Anti-Freezing Peptide! Yeah!**

**SNAKE: **_Okay, so what are my mission objectives?_

**CAMPBELL****: The script said two, but I added a couple more. Hee-hee. First, I want you to rescue Donald Anderson, the DARPA Chief, and Kenneth Baker, president of ArmsTech. They're very important you see. They each owe me a penny.**

**SNAKE: **Uh-huh…

**CAMPBELL****: Second, investigate if the terrorists can launch a nuke. Stop them if they can.**

**SNAKE: **Whoop-de-doo.

**CAMPBELL****: Third, I want you to take photographic evidence of _anything suspicious and/or confidential. This includes lots – I repeat – _lots_ of pics of Sniper Wolf's sexy bod… aah… Sniper Wolf…_**

**SNAKE: **Does that include the sub?

**NAOMI****: No. It's confidential.**

**SNAKE: **But he said that—

**NAOMI****: No.**

**SNAKE: **Aw, man!

**CAMPBELL****: [snaps back to reality]Last, but not least… get me the following: a Game Boy Advance SP, with all accessories included; The #1, Super-sized and no pickles; and a nuclear warhead.**

**NAOMI****: That's absurd! Why would you want a nuke?**

**CAMPBELL****: …well… I like collecting stuff whenever I go somewhere new. Since I haven't gone to a Nuclear Warhead Disposal Facility before, I want a nuke.**

**NAOMI****: [slaps her head] Oy!**

**SNAKE: **So how do you plan to get me there?

**CAMPBELL****: By SDV (Swimmer Delivery Vehicle).**

**SNAKE: **Cool! You play StarCraft too? Man… an SCV… (Service Construction Vehicle)

**CAMPBELL****: Dumbass! S**_D_**V! See how the "D" is emphasized here?**

**SNAKE: **[leafing through this script] …um… nope.

**CAMPBELL****: Anyway, you have 19 hours to do this. Good luck.**

**INTERCOM: **Solid Snake, please head towards the torpedo room at once.

Well, what do you think? I'm not really good at humor, but who cares? Read Chapter 1!


	2. Chapter 1: Infiltration

**METAL GEAR SOLID**

By Josh D. Blanco

© 2003 Josh D. Blanco

Hey! So, you're here for more, eh? Good!

Disclaimer: Duh. KCEJ owns MGS. I own a copy of the game. That is it. I want MGS to be mine!

**CHAPTER I:**

**Infiltration**

**0415 hrs.******

**Bering Sea******

**USS Discovery; Torpedo Room "1"**

**INTERCOM: **Launch the SDV!

**TORPEDOMAN: **Sir! Now, Sir?

**CAPTAIN: **StarCraft's cool… um… fire!

**(IN THE SDV)**

**SNAKE:** SDV good to go, Sir!

**(LAUNCH)**

**SNAKE: **I think I'm gonna hurl… [sounds of puking heard]

**ALL in SUB:** Eww.

**0437 hrs.******

**Shadow ****Moses******

**Deep**** **Sea****** Dock**

**LIQUID:** Stay alert!!! He'll be through here. I can feel it… Oh, yeah! The "Bothersome Fly" scene's been retimed so that's it's at the helipad. May the Force be with you.

**GENOME #0.1:** What… you're some sort of Jedi or something?

**LIQUID:** [evilly grins] …um… [pulls a lightsaber from the 4th Dimension & kills #0.1] …yes! [hauls the corpse & goes up]

**SNAKE: **[swims in]** Man, only two dudes here? How simple _is this mission?_**

|INTERRUPTION|

Some things to remember:

+123.45 (John Doe) = Codec call, # represents freq., Name

%%% = Starts/Ends Codec call

|END INTERRUPTION|

**SNAKE:** Why did the author even put that up?

+140.85 (Colonel/Naomi)

**SNAKE: **…oh…

%%%

**CAMPBELL****: Good. You made it. Remember that all items must be acquired OSP (On-Site Procurement), so grab anything useful.**

**SNAKE: **Like this? [pulls out some cigarettes]

**NAOMI****: Cigarettes are bad!**

**SNAKE: **So? They help the mosquito problem!

**CAMPBELL****: In any case, get to the elevator. If you make it within one minute, you get a +100,000 point bonus.**

**SNAKE: **Cool. Later.

%%%

**SNAKE: **Two guards… what could go wrong? [walks in a puddle]

**GENOME #1: **Huh? What was that noise?

**SNAKE:** Shit.

**GENOME #2: **Huh? What was that noise?

**SNAKE: **Double shit.

**GENOME #1: !!!**

**(ALERT MODE)**

**SNAKE: **Aah!

**GENOME #2: **What are ya' waiting for? Get him!

[Snake dives in the water.]

**GENOME #1: **But, Sir! I can't swim! [starts breaking down & crying for his mommy]

**GENOME #2: **Why do I even bother? [pulls out swimming trunks from the 4th Dimension]

**SNAKE: **[Calls: 140.85 (Colonel/Naomi)]

%%%

**SNAKE: …**mmelp! Mi man't mwim! [sounds of drowning]

**NAOMI****: What an idiot. Snake, if you can't handle it, then climb to the kiddies' pool! *sigh* Why do I even bother?**

**CAMPBELL****: *sigh* Watch out! Your O2 Gauge is decreasing! Get outta there!**

%%%

**(EVASION MODE)**

**GENOME #1: **I'll get him! [jumps in water, forgetting that he _can't_ swim.] Help! [drowns]

**GENOME #2: **Ha-ha-ha— [Snake holds him up] Uh-oh…

**SNAKE: **Time to die, you wuss. [snaps neck]

**(NORMAL MODE)**

[Snake gets out of the water]

**SNAKE: **Now where's that elevator?

+140.85 (Colonel/Naomi)

%%%

**SNAKE: **I can't seem to find the elevator. Where is it? [sees Colonel look at Metal Gear Solid: Prima's Official Strategy Guide] Colonel!

**CAMPBELL****: Hm…**

**NAOMI****: Um… Colonel? Snake… [taps Colonel]**

**CAMPBELL****: Wha- [sees Codec is on] Oh, sorry, Snake. The elevator? Why, it's… [hurriedly flips through guide] …I _don't really know…_**

**SNAKE:** ARRGGGHHHH!!!!!

%%%

**LIQUID: **[from the top of elevator] You're here early, Snake! Oh, I almost forgot…

[elevator starts going down]

**LIQUID: **SORRY!

**SNAKE: **Whatever…

[elevator arrives w/ Genome #3]

**GENOME #3: **[walks to Snake] Hi. I'm Genome #3. I specialize in hardware, shopping—

**SNAKE: **Yeah, yeah, I've read your resume. *bam* Wait a minute… how'd I shoot him if I ain't got no gun!?

[elevator goes up]

**SNAKE: **Whoo-hoo! I'm on the elevator! [looks for his watch] Now where the heck did it go? It should have the Mission Elapsed Time on it… here it is!

**WATCH: ****00:15**** (HA-HA. No bonus for you!)**

**SNAKE: **Damn! No bonus!

[the title is seen appearing on Snake—]

**SNAKE: **Ow! Stupid author! This hurts! Get it off!

[…um… I mean… _above_ Snake… heh. Sorry! "Tactical Espionage Action; Metal Gear Solid."]

**SNAKE: **I got one question.** Why aren't the game series titled "Solid Snake" or something like that? I mean, look at Super Mario. His games are like, "Super Mario Sunshine", "Mario Kart 64", or maybe even "Mario Land". But why "Metal Gear Solid"?**

You know… that's a good question. "Snake's Revenge" didn't count. Sheesh, I'm not even sure if Prima even _made_ an MGS guide. Don't need it anyway… beat the game 'bout 5 times in 2 days…


	3. Chapter 2: The Welcome Dance Party For N...

**METAL GEAR SOLID**

By Josh D. Blanco

© 2003 Josh D. Blanco

Man, I just love this story. Keep reading… for no reason.

Disclaimer: Blah blah Hideo Kojima made MGS yadda yadda I own nothing…

**CHAPTER II:**

**The Welcome Dance Party…**** For No Reason**

**0452 hrs.******

**Shadow ****Moses******

**Heliport**

+140.85 (Colonel/Naomi)

%%%

**SNAKE: **I don't wanna do the movie sequence… for no reason!

**CAMPBELL****: Fine! But we have to talk about the mission.**

**SNAKE: **Don't you think that _somebody's__ gonna notice about me for no reason?_

**CAMPBELL****: Don't worry. We got a diversion. For no reason.**

**NAOMI****: So what is it?**

**CAMPBELL****: A duo of F-16's are up in the air for no reason. One's dropping pictures of Sniper Wolf… [starts fantasizing] …mmm… …Sniper Wolf…**

**NAOMI****: Um, Colonel? [slaps him back into reality] *smack***

**CAMPBELL****: …sorry. The other is shooting each picture for no reason, writing, "Liquid Snake is an asshole."**

**???: **Wow… he's insane to be tormented by that!

**SNAKE: **Who's that?

**CAMPBELL****: Oh, sorry. This is my girlfriend— *slap* err… I meant… mission data analyst, Mei Ling.**

**MEI**** **LING******: Hi, Snake. It's an honor to meet the myth in the flesh for no reason! Anyway, I established the codec.**

**SNAKE: **[running around, not listening for no reason]

**MEI**** **LING******: Also, I made the stupid radar nobody likes… *sniff* …everyone thinks I'm a geeky loser fro no reason!**

**SNAKE: **No… you're pretty cute for a military tech designer.

**MEI**** **LING******: Thanks. Yay! I'm being hit on for no reason!**

**SNAKE: **Speaking of being hit on… what was that line about you and me, Naomi? Something about you being strip-searched for no reason or something like that?

**NAOMI****: Oh, yeah… Snake, I'm _hot_ for you. There's a nightclub near Anchorage. I'm their stripper. You can come and give me a strip-search _anytime for no reason._**

**SNAKE: **Cool.

**CAMPBELL****: …in any case… let's go on. Naomi… I'm gonna need some directions when this is over. For no reason.**

**NAOMI****: Okay.**

**MEI**** **LING******: Hurry up! Get on with it!**

**CAMPBELL****: Oh, yeah.Besides your binoculars, you're naked.**

**SNAKE: **Aah! Freaky déjà vu of Raiden scenes! Aah!

**CAMPBELL: **Damn! You read the MGS2 script Hideo Kojima gave out for no reason, didn't you?

**SNAKE: **Yep. I got it right here. [pulls it out]

**CAMPBELL: **Am I in it?

**SNAKE:** Nope.

**CAMPBELL: **WHAT!?!?!?

**MEI**** **LING******: [reading the MGS2script for no reason]**** Colonel, it says that you've been replaced by some AI for no reason. Also, for no reason, you think Snake's a terrorist.**

**SNAKE: **WHAT!?!?!? [leafs through MGS2 script] Where!?

**CAMPBELL****: In any case…Good luck, and may the Force be with you for no reason! …what's with this script?**

%%%

**SNAKE: **Stupid Colonel. [goes and nearly gets spotted by spotlights for no reason] Whew! That was a close one!

**GENOME #4: **Look at that! Sir, I thought I saw something!

**LIQUID: **So? Anyway, I've got to swat a couple of bothersome flies for no reason.

**GENOME #4:** [points] Um… Sir? There's one on your arm.

**LIQUID: **[sees fly] Thanks. [pulls flyswatter out of the 4th Dimension and smacks it] Now, to swat the other flies! [gets in the Hind-D]

**HIND: ***cough* *sputter*

**LIQUID: **[calls #4] And where the bloody hell are my bloody keys, you bloody oaf?

**GENOME #4: **Sorry, Sir. [hands over keys]

[takes off]

**SNAKE: **Okay, so how do I get those stun grenades in the middle of those spotlights?

**GENOME #5: **Allow me. [grabs the stun grenades for no reason and gives them to Snake for no reason]

**SNAKE: **Wow… I guess I'll keep your sorry ass alive.

**GENOME #5: **Oh, thank you!

**SNAKE: **…right after I kick you off this here cliff. *kick*

**GENOME #5: **Aah!

**SNAKE: **Now, to the chaff grenades! [gets spotted by camera]

**CAMERA: !!! **Intruder alert. Possible sight of a superhero wannabe going to grab some chaff grenades— [signal lost]

**(ALERT MODE)**

**SNAKE:** Damn! [runs to middle of helipad; starts break-dancing for no reason]

**GENOMES 4 & 6: **Freeze! [see Snake doing "Moonwalk" for no reason]

**GENOME #4: **Hey! Let's join him for no reason!

**GENOME #6: **Hold on a sec… [pulls out a DDR3 arcade machine from the 4th Dimension] …damn!

**SNAKE: **What?

**GENOME #6: **I forgot the extension cord.

**SNAKE: **[pulls one out from the 4th Dimension; hands it over]

**GENOME #4: **Thanks. [plugs it in, selects the song "Ai, yai, yai, You're My Little Butterfly" for no reason]

[#6 and SNAKE stare at him for no reason] 

**GENOME #4: **What!? I love this song!

**ALL 3: **Ai, yai, yai, you're my little butterfly!

**GENOME #6: **My song next! [selects "Telephone"]

[spotlights are focused on the three for no reason]

**SNAKE: **That song sucks! How 'bout my selection – Snap-neck!

**GENOME #4: **What's snap— [neck snapped]

**SNAKE: **Time to die, Genome #6!

**GENOME #6: **[still dancing to "Telephone" for no reason; now doin' the "Electric Slide" for no reason; has no idea that Snake is snapping his neck for no reason]

**SNAKE: **Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!! Now nobody will ever find me!

**(ALERT MODE) **(still)

**SNAKE: **How the hell? [doesn't realize he's in the middle of the spotlights]

**SPOTLIGHTS & CAMERAS: **Die!

**SNAKE: **Aah! [attempts to run away]

**(EVASION MODE)**

**SNAKE: **Thank God!

+140.85 (Colonel/Naomi)

%%%

**CAMPBELL****: Nice "Electric Slide." Teach me that sometime.**

**(NORMAL MODE)**

**CAMPBELL****: Snake, don't expect them to open the door just because you did a show for no reason.**

%%%

**SNAKE: **Whatever… [knocks on front door for no reason] This sucks! (goes in the upper duct for no reason]

**0506 hrs.******

**Shadow ****Moses******

**Tank Hangar 2F; Air Duct**

**SNAKE: **Damn! Shouldn't have done the "Crab Walk" to come in here. [currently in a pretzel]

+141.80 (???)

**SNAKE: **Hold on! [struggling to get out of pretzel]

+141.80 (???)

**SNAKE: **Damn Mei Ling… why didn't she bother installing voice mail!?

[apparently 30 minutes later…]

+141.80 (???)

**SNAKE: **Got it!

%%%

**???: **Snake! Hi! It's Li— er… …McDonnell Miller!

**SNAKE: **Guh? Master? What're you doing calling me?

[long pause]

**MILLER: **[sounds of helicopter rotors in background]

**SNAKE: **What's with the chopper?

**MILLER: **Don't mind me, Snake. I've got—

[cut off by machinegun fire]

**MILLER: **You bloody son-of-a-bitch!

**SNAKE: **[getting _really suspicious] What!?_

**MILLER: **[forgetting that Snake's on Codec] Damn you, you bloody oaf! [see Snake on Codec] …um… don't bloody mind me. I'm kinda playing my bloody PS2 right now and–

[cut off by more machinegun fire]

**MILLER:** Take that, you bloody F-16! - …err… see what I'm talking about?

**SNAKE: **You're hopeless. Just shut up.

%%%

**SNAKE: **[cutscene w/ guards talking about the DARPA Chief, except they _don't_ talk about the DARPA Chief]

**GENOME #8: **Well… there's a bunch of SOCOMs' in the room next to the computer lab.

**GENOME #9: **So? What about that hot chick in the cell?

**SNAKE: **[to self] …hot chick in the cell?

**GENOME #8: **Don't mind her.** Also, there's been an intruder. They say if he and any of us get into spotlights, then DDR3 music starts playing for no reason and we all learn the electric slide.**

**GENOME #9:** Wasn't it a ninja or something?

**GENOME #8:** No. Anyway… can you handle the task?

**GENOME #9: **Sure. Have it with the hot chick, get a SOCOM, and always play the song "Telephone" on DDR3.

**GENOME #8: **…um… I guess… [leaves]

**SNAKE: **Simple as pie. [climbs down vent shaft] *clang*

**GENOME #9: **Huh? What was that noise?

**SNAKE: **Not again!

**GENOME #9: !!!**

**(ALERT MODE)**

**SNAKE: **Damn!

**GENOMES 8 - 10: **Freeze!

**SNAKE: **[holding hands up] This ain't fair! I mean, I don't even have a weapon yet!

**GENOME #8: ***blink*

**GENOME #9: ?**

**GENOME # 10: **[busy reading the FAMAS instruction manual]

**GENOME #8: **How 'bout this, Snake? We'll put the game back on normal mode… for no reason. Then we'll escort you to the SOCOM supply room for no reason, give you some magazines for no reason, and then we'll start over for no reason. Is that okay?

**SNAKE: **Hmm… okay!

**(NORMAL MODE)**

**SNAKE: **Where are the SOCOM's anyway??

**GENOME #10: **Two doors left. Oh, and watch out for that camera. It likes to think it's that adjutant from StarCraft for no reason.

**SNAKE: **Really?

**GENOME #10: **Really.

**SNAKE: **_Really?_

**GENOME #10: **Really really.

**GENOME #9:** [polishing FAMAS] Just get over there and arm yourself… for no reason, of course!

**SNAKE: **…okay… [Calls: +140.85 (Colonel/Naomi)]

%%%

**SNAKE:** Did you just see _that!?!?!?_

**NAOMI****: …yeah. I was hoping that you – I mean – _they_ – would die. Damn… I can't seem to figure out what my script says.**

**CAMPBELL****: Mine too. All it says is, "Consult Prima's Official Strategy Guide for no reason." So I did. And it doesn't say a damn thing! You hear me!?!?**

**SNAKE: **I'm talking about the SOCOM here…

**CAMPBELL****: Well… talk to our military analyst. Her name's Nastasha Romanenko. Her frequency's 141.52 if you feel the need for education… for no reason.**

**SNAKE: **Got it!

%%%

**SNAKE: **[Calls: +140.96 (Mei Ling)]

%%%

**MEI**** **LING******: Oh, hi, Snake. Need to save for no reason?**

**YES ****ç******

**NO**

|INTERRUPTION|

The following is the "Save Screen". Actually, Mei Ling would probably type this to save Snake's data. **Bold print** is what Mei Ling types.

|END INTERRUPTION|

**$4.sav.exe/Begin**

&BIOS Register System 4.0

**&BIOS.ASCII**

&BIOSASCII: sav.exe

&&&

ASCII ver 2.0

**run**** sav.exe **

&&&

&&&

&&&

sav.exe

welcome

username: **LINGMEI00**

password: **********

access code denied

username:** mlEM**

password: ********

access code accepted

running… lv1 test diagnostic

hold…

**MEI**** **LING******: Hold on, Snake. This takes a while.**

**SNAKE: **Really?

**MEI**** **LING******: _Really_.**

file:open?

**no**

file:new?

**yes******

creating proxy-server…

ASCII code 011.21

file.save.name?

**ShaMos-Snk******

confirm filename: {ShaMos-Snk}?

**yes******

saving…

done

terminate sav.exe?

**yes******

sav.exe… terminated

link… cut

**MEI**** **LING******: Done. You want a free quote for no reason?**

**SNAKE: **Okay… check out stocks on Starbucks.

**MEI**** **LING******: No! Not that kind of quote!**

**SNAKE: **…oh.  
**MEI**** **LING******: Anyway, a wise person in China told me, "The rules of combat are this: Kill for no reason. Shoot for no reason. Have fun for no reason."**

**SNAKE: **What kind of quote is that?

**MEI**** **LING******: The quote means that you should do anything in your power to successfully do all three… obviously, for no reason. What the hell's wrong with the goddamn script!?!?!?**

**SNAKE: **I get the "Kill" and "Shoot" parts. What about the "Fun" part?

**MEI**** **LING******: You know! Do what you do best… for no reason!**

**SNAKE:** What? Have it with hot chicks like you?

**MEI**** **LING******: …um… no. Now's not the time. You can do it later, though… for no reason… *wink***

%%%

**SNAKE: **Okay, boys. I got a SOCOM.

**GENOME #9: **Here are the clips as promised. [holds up Snake] Now we shoot you!

**SNAKE: **_Really… [starts taunting] You all are so stupid that you haven't taken the safety off, rookies! [blinks, then looks at his script] Aw, hell! Who ripped out page 9!?_

+140.85 (Colonel/Naomi)

%%%

**NAOMI****: _I did. You see, that page contains the "conversation" you have with Colonel about Sniper Wolf…_**

%%%

**GENOME #10: **Shoot him, #9!

**SNAKE: **Ya'know something?** I read the Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty - Brady Games Official Strategy Guide. It's not stupid, but… anyway… if I recall correctly, it said on Page 16 that, "…if you stand in front of a taunting person for too long, a twinkle appears in the soldier's eyes and he will attempt to overthrow your character!"**

**GENOMES 8 – 10: **[after hearing that] So what?

**GENOME 9: **Say goodnight, Snake…

**SNAKE: **[eyes twinkle]

**GENOME 8: **Oh, shit…

**SNAKE: **[does a roundhouse kick, sending #8 falling to his death] Who's next?

**GENOME #10:** Die, Snake!

**SNAKE: **[activates stealth camouflage] Now you see me…

**GENOME #9:** [is now in a chokehold]

**SNAKE: **[disables stealth as #9's neck cracks] …and now you don't! [whips out his SOCOM] *bam* *bam* Cheap-ass cue card! Since when the hell did I _get the stealth camo!?_

+141.52 (Nastasha)

%%%

**NASTASHA:** Hello, Snake. I am Nastasha Romanenko.

**SNAKE:** Hi. Tell me what this does! [whips out his… …cardboard box]

**NASTASHA:** A… cardboard box. Well… it's… made of cardboard… and it's economical. Anyway… nukes SUCK!!!

**SNAKE:** That's… nice to know…

%%%

**SNAKE: **To the elevator! [runs down and trips on a conveniently placed tripwire which isn't there…] Ow! [Genomes stare at him for no reason] Nothing happened. [runs to elevator doors, smacking buttons wildly]

[doors open]

**GENOME #99: **Hi. I come in way later in the game, so you can't kill me yet for no reason.

**SNAKE: **_Uh-huh…_

[elevator closes, but not before it crushes #99's skull… clearly for no reason… of course.]

**SNAKE: **Ha-ha. Now which floor?

**1F: TANK HANGAR**

**B1F: HOLDING CELLs/TORTURE ROOM ****ç******

**B2F: ARMORY**

**B3F: ****TOP SECRET PLACE**** WHERE LIQUID SAYS HE'S ****MASTER****MILLER******

What's weird is that pretty much every third line the words, "…for no reason" show up. It was due to a major lacking of last-minute creativity. Just e-mail me.


	4. Chapter 3: Bad Rescues, Hallucinogenic D...

**METAL GEAR SOLID**

By Josh D. Blanco

© 2003 Josh D. Blanco

Chapter 3 for ya. For those of you who've been reading the whole series so far, thanks.

Disclaimer: Disclaimers suck! MGS is possessed by KCEJ. I own nothing.

**CHAPTER III:**

**Bad Rescues, Hallucinogenic Dreams, and the Beautiful Chick in the Cell**

**0521 hrs.**

**Shadow ****Moses******

**Tank Hangar B1F: Holding Cells**

**SNAKE: **Elevator's too slow.

[Calls: +140.96 (Mei Ling)]

%%%

**SNAKE: ***yawn* I know all about this shitty radar, and how the DARPA dude's all green, so don't bother me.

%%%

**SNAKE:** Hmm… a door. I guess I'll attempt to break it down. [starts tackling]

[A good 10 minutes later…]

**SNAKE: **…can't… *gasp* …breathe… *gasp*

[door opens]

**JOHNNY SASAKI:** What?

**SNAKE: **Uh… I wanted to come in.

**JOHNNY: **_Sure. Let me guess… #8 forgot to talk about the vents being opened._

**SNAKE: **Yeah. So where are the vents?

**JOHNNY: **Oh… go out, take a left. Here. Have some crack.

**SNAKE: ***blink* Thanks.

[door closes]

**SNAKE:** Where's the damn shaft!? [looks everywhere except the place where the vent shaft is] This is bullsh—

[loud sounds of moaning – not the pleasure-type! – coming from an air duct; it's Johnny Sasaki w/ diarrhea]

**SNAKE: **GROSS!!!

[15 minutes later…]

**SNAKE:** I found it!!! [climbs vent] Now where do I go? [Calls: 140.85 (Colonel/Naomi)]

%%%

**CAMPBELL: **[currently playing SOCOM: U.S. Navy SEALs] Hey, Snake. I'm kinda busy here…

**SNAKE:** _Really…_

**CAMPBELL****: Fine! I'm playing SOCOM here, and this dude online says he's with FOXHOUND!**

**SNAKE:** Really? Who…

**CAMPBELL****: I don't know, but I heard the author's gonna put an interruption up so we can figure out how flashbacks, hallucinations, and otherwise supernatural parts of the script are gonna be displayed. See ya.**

%%%

**SNAKE:** Hmm…

[10 minutes later…]

|INTERRUPTION|

Flashbacks begin/end with this: ===

Hallucinations/supernatural stuff begin/end with this: $$$ 

|END INTERRUPTION|

**SNAKE:** This is boring… I'm gonna smoke… [smokes crack] …shit… I'm hallucinating… *zzz* *zzz* *zzz* *zzz* *wake me up, mommy…* *zzz* *zzz* *zzz* *zzz* *zzz*

$$$

**RAVEN: **Boss, I like ice cream. [playing a PS2; he _is_ the Colonel's enemy in SOCOM. He doesn't realize it even though the Colonel's screen name is "Col. Campbell"] Who is this idiot!? He can't even shoot me at 5 yards! I can't shoot at fifteen miles!

**LIQUID:** …er… that's _good_, Raven…

**RAVEN**: [obviously hears the sarcastic remark and does his infamous monotone] Ice cream not good when melted.

**LIQUID:** Then why the bloody hell did you bring it in the bloody sauna?

[the sauna's about the size of your bedroom… so's the tub]

**RAVEN**: Rocky road not good completely frozen.

**LIQUID:** That's it! I'm bloody tired of you and your bloody monotone! [pulls out an AN-94] See you in hell!

[door opens]

**WOLF****: Hello, boys. Liquid, don't shoot Raven. Sure, he gets annoying at times, but at least he got your Hind repaired. Okay, sweetie? *wink***

$$$

**SNAKE:** Damn… what the hell was I dreaming!? I wanted to see more!!! [sees the fork in the vent and goes straight] Okay… where to… [looks down and sees Meryl working out] _Hello_… what have we here?

**MERYL****: [doing sit-ups naked] …1,076… …1,077… …1,078… …skip some more… …1,000,000…**

**SNAKE:** I _gotta get hooked up with her… oh, well… back to business… [goes to DARPA Chief's cell in vent, only to find that it's locked] Damn! [Calls Hideo Kojima]_

%%%

**SNAKE: **Mr. Kojima, you expect me to continue the dang mission, right?

**MR.**** **KOJIMA******: …yeah. So what's the problem, Snake?**

**SNAKE:** The damn vent grate… door… whatever it is… won't open! C'mon, you expect this game to be a bestseller!?

**MR.**** **KOJIMA******: …hold on…**

%%%

[A few minutes later, the grate is unlocked by a maintenance worker from KCEJ]

**WORKER:** Yo', Snake?

**SNAKE: **[sounds of clanging, head bashing, and cursing]

**JOHNNY****: [walks in] What's happening?**

**WORKER:** Snake's probably playing the new Yu-Gi-Oh game for the GBA. He's losing, even though I gave him a GameShark so he can get a "Blue Eyes Ultimate White Dragon."

[NOTE: Yu-Gi-Oh also belongs to Konami…]

**JOHNNY****: Oh. [walks out as if nothing happened]**

**WORKER:** [hears crying] Snake, are you okay?

**JOHNNY:** [resumes post] Hey! Shut up in there, will ya'!?

**SNAKE: **[comes down all teary-eyed and *bam* shoots the poor, innocent worker] …now I am!!!

**DARPA CHIEF: **[snoring]

**SNAKE:** Yo'! Chief! Wake up!

**JOHNNY****: [walks back in] Hold on… let me wake him up… [shoots him in the head] *bam* …there.**

**SNAKE: **Damn you!

**MERYL****: [who's supposed to hear the conversation that the Chief and Snake were _supposed to have…] Huh!? Hey, what happened?_**

**SNAKE:** Aren't you supposed to get gagged or something?

**JOHNNY****: Well… since the conversation was _supposed_ to take 10 minutes, we should pass the time…**

[9 minutes later]

**SNAKE:** [as Link in Super Smash Brothers Melee] Eat my bomb, sucker!

**JOHNNY****: [as Mr. Game & Watch in SSBM] No! Judgement!**

[bell rings]

**SNAKE & JOHNNY:** Damn! Break's over!

**SNAKE:** We'll battle again!

**JOHNNY****: Yeah, yeah, sure— ack! [is now being gagged by Meryl, who's already dressed in the uniform]**

**SNAKE:** I don't get it! How'd _you get a uniform!?_

**GENOME: **Don't ask me, Snake! [suddenly grips head in pain] My head! It hurts! [faints]

**MANTIS:** [appears out of nowhere] Useless woman! Now I will show you why I'm the most powerful… [looks at clock, realizing he's not supposed to be here yet] Shit. Damn these cue cards! [Dumps papers and runs… er… floats… away]

**GENOME:** [gets back up and holds up Snake with… …nothing] Freeze! I'll shoot!

**SNAKE:** You don't even _have a weapon, rookie._

**GENOME:** Hey, I ain't no rookie… [grabs head again] …cause if I were, why am I holding you up with a… [looks at hands which, I said, were empty] Dammit! [obvious sounds of Mr. Kojima and other Konami staff laughing] Shut the hell up!  [finds Johnny's FAMAS and pulls a Desert Eagle from the 4th Dimension] …a FAMAS!? [grips head again] …hold… …me, Snake!

**SNAKE:** Mantis! It's not your part yet!

**MANTIS: **[we only hear him, not see him] SO!?!?!?

**SNAKE: **[after reading the above sentence] Hey! Where the hell are you!?

**GENOME:** Snake… I know you want me…

**SNAKE: **Mantis! Please make her stop!

**MANTIS:** Okay… [floats away; smacks himself on the door] Ow.

**SNAKE: **Now that Mantis is… um… k/o'd… Rookie! You suck!

**GENOME:** Open the damn door! [grabs FAMAS and shoots Snake]

**SNAKE:** Aaarrr-aaaaarrrrr-aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!

**ALL but GENOME & SNAKE: **Meryl! You idiot!

**MERYL****: [takes off disguise] Hey! Who the hell turned off the safety!?**

**CHIEF:** [struggles to get up] …I… …did… …bitch!!!

**MERYL****: [shoots Chief] Ha-ha… whore.**

**CAMPBELL****: [to Meryl] Damn you, you frickin' niece! I'm cutting your Battle.Net time to ten hours!**

**MERYL****: Yes! I've got ten full hours! I'm so lucky— um… I mean… aw, shit!**

**SNAKE:** [wakes up] …another hallucinogenic dream… …how am I still alive? …oh well… [pulls out SOCOM and points it at the closed door]

**MERYL****: Where are the guards?**

[door opens, revealing an endless supply of Teletubbies]

**SNAKE:** Aah! Suck pepper spray, you damn shitheads!!! [pulls pepper spray from 4th Dimension and kills 'em all]

**MERYL****: [now back in her Genome persona] Thanks for the help. [runs to elevator]**

**SNAKE:** [runs to shoot her but…] 

[what did I say!? But! But!!! BUT!!!]

**SNAKE: **[reads above line] Dumbass typer! You've got too many typos!

**ME:** So what!? [reads the line that Snake read] Oh, you're right. [edits the line so it says "butt" instead of "but"]

**SNAKE:** Much better!

**ME:** Gimme a call on the codec. It's 140.77 – my personal line. See ya! [runs back to his house and finally puts the weird flashback of the Chief]

$$$

**RAVEN:** The man who you saw die before your eyes…

[sounds of heart attack]

**CHIEF: **WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!?

**RAVEN:** That was not the DARPA Chief. It was Decoy Octopus… wait… this is the wrong flashback! [runs away and pulls a do-it-yourself steel box kit] Better start making those steel boxes for the fight. Good thing this has instructions.

$$$

**ME:** Sorry… [pulls the right flashback from 4th Dimension]

$$$

**LIQUID:** Dammit, Ocelot. You fool! Why did you kill him?

**OCELOT:** Don't look at me! Look at this! I only put it at 1.5 volts! [picks up an AAA battery hooked up to the machine] See?

**LIQUID:** Why didn't you dive into him, Mantis?

**MANTIS:** Well, Boss, the surgical implants repel _stupid_ psychics. I guess it said that _I_ was one.

**LIQUID: **Well… I guess we'll never get that code to launch Gundam Heavy-Arms! [I don't own Gundam Wing either!]

**MANTIS:** Boss… Isn't it called "Metal Gear REX" or something?

**OCELOT:** Shut up! How did an AAA battery kill him?

**MANTIS:** [suddenly checks the battery again] Ocelot, you are a f*cking asshole! … [looks at his cue cards and nearly faints in shock] … …Same to you, Josh!

**ME: **Whoa, whoa. ME!? What the hell!?!?!?

**MANTIS:** Well, stop censoring the f-word!

**ME:** Calm down, man! Okay… I'm taking off the censors…

**MANTIS:** Ocelot, you are a fucking asshole! [reads line again] Hey! Thanks! This is cool! [so happy that he starts levitating every sharp object and sends them to drop on random Genomes] You mother-fucking genome! Fuck you, too!

**LIQUID:** Bloody hell, Mantis! Why the bloody hell did you call bloody Ocelot a bloody asshole!?

**MANTIS:** Because of this!!! [picks up the AAA battery]

**LIQUID:** So what?

**MANTIS:** The AAA battery that Ocelot the asshole used was an "AAA _Certified CAR Battery_!"

**LIQUID: **[looks at battery again] Ocelot, you sorry-assed son-of-a-bitch!!!

**OCELOT:** …sorry…

**MANTIS:** Boss… I have a good idea.

$$$

**SNAKE:** …uhg… …what the hell was I _dreaming_!? Must be the crack… [Calls: +140.85 (Colonel/Naomi) Naomi!!! Answer!

%%%

**NAOMI****: What!?!?!?**

**SNAKE:** [all panicky] What… the… hell… was… that!?

**CAMPBELL****: Must've been Psycho Mantis.**

**???:** It _was me, you son-of-a-bitch!!!_

**SNAKE:** How'd you get our codec number, Mantis?

**MANTIS:** Well… my girlfriend's dumped me ever since yesterday, and sincethen, I've been working at McDonald's and ripping off customers so I can get money to buy a codec unit. These are so cool!!!

**CAMPBELL****: Oh… so _that's_ why I ordered 50 bags of fries when all I wanted was a Happy Meal…**

**MANTIS:** Anyway, don't tell my Boss or my allies, but I'll help you out… my number's 141.76 – my psychic hotline.

**NAOMI:** Was Mantis even supposed to _be_ in this conversation?

**SNAKE:** I'm done here. Colonel, you don't mind if I look at your niece's ass, do you?

**CAMPBELL:** Be my guest.

%%%

**SNAKE:** [calls out to the Genome, who's shooting at Snake] Stop shooting!

**GENOME: **[still shooting]

**SNAKE:** I gotta find a way to make her stop shooting…

**ME:** [holding up a time card] One second later…

**SNAKE:** …you suck!

**GENOME**: [still shooting]

**ME: **[holding another time card]Two seconds later…

**SNAKE:** [to self] …this is gonna work for sure! [to Genome] Hey! Nice ass… bitch!

**GENOME**: [stops shooting] Uh-huh… whatever… [does that stupid hand gesture]

**SNAKE:** [replies w/ the finger]

[doors close]

**MANTIS:** [appears out of nowhere] Good girl… Snake, I think you should hit on this one… hee…

**SNAKE:** …yeah… [aims gun at Mantis] …finish your damn line!

**MANTIS:** …just like that… [disappears]

**SNAKE:** [now in elevator] Now where to?

**1F: TANK HANGAR**

**B1F: HOLDING CELLs/TORTURE ROOM **

**B2F: ARMORY ****ç******

**B3F: ****TOP SECRET PLACE**** WHERE LIQUID SAYS HE'S ****MASTER****MILLER******

Chapter 4 …ready to go!


	5. Chapter 4: C4 Gives You Superpowers

**METAL GEAR SOLID**

By Josh D. Blanco

© 2003 Josh D. Blanco

I think a little ingenuity would help me out more…

Disclaimer: Hideo Kojima & Konami own Metal Gear Solid.

**CHAPTER IV:**

**C4 Gives You Superpowers **

**0557 hrs.**

**Shadow ****Moses******

**Tank Hangar B2F: Armory**

**SNAKE: **[reads chapter's title] Whoa! It _DOES!?!?!?_

**GENOME #11: **Hum-de-dum… [walking around aimlessly at the other side of the Armory]

**GENOME #12: **[currently reading Playboy]

**GENOME #13:** I'm _SO_ unlucky! [walks into a pitfall trap]

**SNAKE: **Well… that takes care of one…

**GENOME #12: **looks at Snake's direction] **!?!?!? #11! Get over here!**

[#11 runs to #12]

**GENOME #11: **What!?

**GENOME #12:** [points at Snake] Look over there!

[#11 looks]

**SNAKE: **[sweating bullets]

[#11's jaw drops]

**SNAKE:** [sweat has now flooded half of the Armory]

**GENOME #11: **Whoa!!! Who's that!?

**SNAKE:** [starts crying for his mommy… but stops, remembering that he doesn't _have_ a mommy] Please!!! Don't shoot! I know I'm the guy that you wanna kill, but _please!!! I've got 50 huskies at home and they're my only family!_

**GENOME #11 & #12:** [notice Snake for the first time]

**GENOME #12:** Dude, we're not talking about you! Look! [points above Snake, where, lo and behold, hangs large posters of naked female movie stars]

**GENOMES & SNAKE:** Whoa…

**GENOME #13: **[climbs out of trap] …oh… what'd I miss?

[#11 & #12 are so busy looking at posters that they don't hear him]

**GENOME #13:** Why is nobody answering… [spots Snake] **!!!**

**(ALERT MODE)**

**GENOMES 11 & 12: **[still staring]

**SNAKE:** Damn! [pulls out SOCOM & aims at #13]

**GENOME #13: **I'm gonna cut ya', bitch!

**(EVASION MODE)**

**GENOME #13:** *clank* Huh!? What was that noise!? [walks off to the side]

**GENOME #11:** [to Snake] Now's your chance to live! Run!!!

**SNAKE:** [walks in front of #13] …shit!

**GENOME #13: **Too late, Snake! Now die!

**GENOME #12: **Oh, really? [shoots #13]

**(NORMAL MODE)**

**SNAKE: **Thanks… [is about to shoot when he starts to reconsider] …you know… you guys should defect.

**GENOME #11: **Really? Who else is?

**SNAKE:** Psycho Mantis.

**GENOME #12:** …okay! We'll join Mantis who has joined you! Of course… we're gonna have to find a digital camera so we get snapshots of those posters for us to save.

**SNAKE: **Okay… I'll make a deal. I'll let you guys live and I'll let you use a digital camera if I find one.

**GENOME #11:** What's our end of the bargain?

**SNAKE: **One, you _got to_ get me copies of the pictures.

**GENOME #12: **Okay…

**GENOME #11: **And?

**SNAKE: **Two… tell me the secret about C4.

**GENOME #12:** Well, all I know is it looks like green clay with an arrow tip. It's explosive only if you detonate it, but it's 100% safe. Well, it must have given _us two_ supervision. Hope you get something better than us.

**SNAKE: **Okay… I'll see you guys later… [walks away from them and looks for C4]

[#11 & #12 act like nothing happened.]

**SNAKE:** Well… which door is it?

+140.77 (Josh)

%%%****

**ME:** …

**SNAKE:** Who is this?

**ME: **Wrong number…

%%%

+141.76 (Mantis)

%%%

**MANTIS: **Over by the door to your right.

%%%

**SNAKE: **[goes in door labeled "C4"] Cool. [sets it up] Just how do I _blow it up? [Calls: 140.85 (Colonel/Naomi)]_

%%%

**SNAKE: **Colonel, how do I destroy this… piece of clay?

**CAMPBELL****: [looks at the cheap-ass strategy guide] …dunno.**

**SNAKE: **You suck!

%%%

**SNAKE:** Who else should I call? [Calls: 141.80 (Miller)]

%%%

**LIQUID:** …Raven can't even get me popcorn… shit! [dons disguise] …oh, Hi! Snake… um…

**SNAKE: **How do I detonate C4?

**MILLER:** Um… I think you have to press the Action Button…

**SNAKE:** [presses Action Button, but nothing happens]

**MILLER: **Snake, you idiot! "Circle"! Not "Triangle"!!!

**SNAKE:** Well? So who cares if this isn't Metal Gear Solid 2?

[long pause]

**MILLER: **[breaks the ice by saying some advice] Snake, you know that 70% of body warmth is lost through your head?

**SNAKE: **Yeah… And?

**MILLER:** Put on a hat.

**SNAKE: **Hats suck. Bandanas rule!

**MILLER:** *sniff* …but… …I thought you liked hats!

**SNAKE: **So? I'll detonate this C4 if it kills me, and I don't need anyone's damn help!

[long pause]

**SNAKE: **…um… where's the detonator again?

**MILLER:** [falls animé-style] On your hand!!!

%%%

**SNAKE: **Now why didn't he tell me- [hits the switch, causing the C4 to explode and sends _metallic_ shrapnel everywhere… although C4's made of plastic…]

**(ALERT MODE)**

**GENOME #12: **[rushes over to explosion, only to find Snake] Dude, you're supposed to _rub it on_, not plant and detonate it! Smart-ass! [walks back to the posters]

**(NORMAL MODE)**

**SNAKE: **Oh… _now_ you tell me! [puts C4 on Sneaking Suit] Whoa… I'm dizzy… my world's… turning… blank…

[flash]

[white flash]

[bright white flash]

[super bright white flash]

[extreme super bright white flash]

[more extreme super bright white flash]

[even more extreme super bright white flash]

[completely even more extreme super bright white flash]

**GENOME #11: **[notices flash] What the fuck!? #12!?

**GENOME #12: **Snake's first C4 use, #11!

**SNAKE: **[has gotten up from the floor] Whoa… what the hell…

[scene changes to some city-ish background…]

**GENOME #12: **[imitating Morpheus from The Matrix]** Prepare to enter… "The Matrix!" …I meant, um… "The C4!"**

**SNAKE: **…so where are my powers?

**GENOME #11:** Test yourself on this! [pulls & throws a frag grenade from the 4th Dimension at Snake]

*boom*

**SNAKE:** [just standing there as if nothing happened] …cool.

**0618 hrs.**

**Shadow ****Moses******

**Tank Hangar B2F: Armory – South**

[wall busts open in chunks]

**SNAKE:** …so what if I didn't blow up the stupid wall, guys?

+140.96 (Mei Ling)

%%%

**MEI****LING****: Sorry, Snake. The radar isn't working here due to the fact that something's screwing it up.**

**SNAKE: **Right. So anyway… I wanna save.

…

**MEI****LING****: Here's another quote: "When in doubt, use salt." You do have salt, do you?**

**SNAKE:** What for?

**MEI****LING****: Salt makes things more painful… like slugs.**

**SNAKE:** [who obviously didn't go to school] Uh… okay.

**MEI****LING****: Snake, another quote, on the house: "Those who lay eyes on the serpent with the powers of 'Composité Explosivá Quatro' shall be killed unless spared." Think what that means, Snake.**

%%%

**SNAKE: **I don't get it. [rams the remaining walls & sees Baker tied up] Man… am I too late? [walks up, slaps Baker for no reason]

**BAKER: **…ow…

**SNAKE: **Yay! He's alive! [attempts to slap him again]

**BAKER:** …uhng… …don't touch it…

**SNAKE: **C4!? All right! [yanks it all off while magic meter slowly increases] Man… 500 special points…

*bang*

**SNAKE:** Dumbass! My foot! [life meter down 20%]

**???:** Right… touch the wire, and the C4… [looks at his C4 trap, quickly realizing that there _is_ no C4 trap] …Wait a minute… I could have _sworn_ that I put some there before… aw, shit. You got my C4!

**SNAKE: **Okay… you said your line…

**???: **So _you're_ the one the Boss keeps talking about… …sometimes I wish he'd just shut the _hell up._

**SNAKE: **The "Boss"?

**???:** Yeah, him. I mean, he's a cool guy and all, but he gets so annoying with his Gundam speeches and—

**SNAKE: **Nobody told me listening to conversations about animés was involved in this mission!

**???: **Anyway…

**SNAKE:** And you?

**???:** [starts twirling revolver around] Special Operations… Unit FOXHOUND… Revolver Ocelot. I've been waiting for you, Snake. [finger is stuck] Dammit! F-you!

**SNAKE:** What the hell? [Calls: 140.85 (Colonel/Naomi)]

%%%

**CAMPBELL****: [who has been playing Medal Of Honor: Frontline for the past three hours and is stuck on the "D-Day" Campaign] …damn you, Patterson!**

**NAOMI****: *slap* Colonel, Snake's on…**

**CAMPBELL:** …um, hey, Snake.

**SNAKE:** Naomi, can you slap him again?

**NAOMI: **[smiles] Sure! *slap*

**CAMPBELL: **Naomi, you sorry-assed prick! I'm gonna—

**SNAKE: **Colonel, you are a pathetic son-of-a-bitch who's a lousy liar.

**CAMPBELL: **What!?

**SNAKE: **How'd Ocelot know I was coming!?

**CAMPBELL: **Um… ya' see… I… um…

**NAOMI: **…

**SNAKE: **…

**ME:** [holding up time cards once again] Two seconds later…

**CAMPBELL: **Snake… um… I… _don't_… have… _complete_… access… to… the… files…

**SNAKE: **You expect me to believe that you're a middleman!?

**CAMPBELL: **Yes. I was only told that Liquid Snake is a gay prick. About Metal Gear… um… it's big… and that's all I know.

**SNAKE: **About Ocelot…

**NAOMI: **Revolver Ocelot specializes in extreme torture. He uses methods such as pelting people with rubber duckies.

**SNAKE: **Wow… no wonder he missed when he shot me. I'll try a new tactic.

**CAMPBELL:** What is it?

**SNAKE:** Salt.

%%%

**OCELOT:** Now we'll see if the man can live up to the legend!

**SNAKE: **Cool. Wait… I'm a _legend_!?

**OCELOT: **[to self] Idiot. [shows Snake his gun] This is the greatest gun ever made… the… um… _what the hell is this gun called_!?!?!?

**SNAKE: **…I don't know… the Colt Single-Action-Army, perhaps?

**OCELOT:** …whatever… [drawing stance]

**SNAKE:** [drawing stance]

[silence, except for the occasional tumbleweed]

**MANTIS: **[pops his head outta nowhere] Tumbleweed in Alaska?

**MR. KOJIMA: **SHUT UP!!!

**MANTIS:** Whoops. My bad. [vanishes]

**ME: **[with time cards] One minute later…

**OCELOT:** DRAW!

[white flash ends the cutscene]

**SNAKE: **[pulls out a pen and starts drawing various pictures: Gundam Deathscythe, Hamtaro, a Red Eyes Black Metal Dragon, you, and a snake]

**OCELOT:** [is about to shoot Snake in the foot again] Don't you want to settle this!?

**SNAKE: **[now drawing Link from LoZ] …after Link's hair is colored, okay, man?

**OCELOT: **How long?

**SNAKE: **I'd say an hour. …or two seconds. [pulls SOCOM out]

**OCELOT:** [hides like a prancing sissy] No! I'm outta bullets! Wait, that's a good thing!

**SNAKE: ?**

**OCELOT: **I love to reload during a battle. [gets shot in the ass] Nothing like slamming a long, silver bullet… into a well-greased chamber…

**SNAKE:** …aah! Gay man! RUN!!!

**BAKER:** Mmmfh!

**SNAKE:** Huh?

**OCELOT:** I understand the bullets, you see. I make 'em go where I want. [fires & shoves a bullet up Snake's ass, taking away all but 2% life]

**SNAKE: **Oh, yeah? [starts glowing]

**OCELOT:** What the— [is interrupted by Snake, who just punched him]

**SNAKE: **NEVER underestimate the power of C4! [black pair of shades appear over his eyes]

**OCELOT: **Hurry up and die for me, you American fat-ass!!! *bang* *bang* *bang* *bang* *bang* *bang* *bang* *click*

**SNAKE:** [now wearing a black trench coat] I don't think so. [holds hand out while bullets stop in midair]

**OCELOT:** **!!! **Oh, shit!

**SNAKE: **[pulls out two M-60s and fires] MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

[instead of bullets, salt fires out]

**OCELOT: **[dives away in time]Salt!?** What the hell?**

**SNAKE: ***click* *click* [drops M-60s and pulls out a Glock and an Uzi] Time to die! [fires at Ocelot]

**OCELOT: **[dodges the bullets by doing that wall trick that Trinity from The Matrix does]

**SNAKE: ???**

**OCELOT: **Hah! Little do you know that _I_ also gained superpowers from C4!

**SNAKE: **[looks up] Well, little do _you_ know that your magic meter has run out.

**OCELOT:** Damn!

**SNAKE: **Also, I have 99.999% of mine left.

**OCELOT: **Double damn! 

**SNAKE:** Allow me to continue… [takes out the Master Sword from the Legend of Zelda series… and a rock]

**OCELOT:** **!?!?!?**

**SNAKE: **Hylian Baseball! [whacks Ocelot by hitting the rock w/ the Master Sword]

(a couple of pitches and one hour of batting lessons later)

**OCELOT: **[has a black eye, a bloody arm, and some stubbed toes] You're pretty good. Just what I'd expect from the man who, like his brother, has the same codename.

**SNAKE:** [plays some random song with the Ocarina of Time and summons Geno the Doll from Super Mario RPG]

**GENO: **Geno Blast! [the blast roasts everything! …except for Ocelot and Baker]

**SNAKE: **Stupid doll! [shoots Geno and sends him to the Evil Realm by accident]

**OCELOT: **It's been a long time since I had a good fight… [pulls out a M1 Garand] …but I'm just getting warmed up!

**???:** Ha-ha, Ocelot. I've come for that arm!

**OCELOT: **What!? *slice* My hand! It didn't fall off! 

**???:** Damn, I missed. Russian prick!

**OCELOT:** Stealth camouflage… can't you even live right!?

**SNAKE: **Of course I can't! [fakes his death]

**OCELOT: **You weren't lucky! We'll never meet again! [runs away, screaming "I'm a pansy! I'm a pansy!"]

**SNAKE: **[aims SOCOM] Who are you!?

**???**: I'm like you. I have no name.

**SNAKE: **Dude, I got a name. It's David.

**???:** Fine then! I'm like you. I have no _last_ name.

**SNAKE: **Yeah I do! It's… well… come to think of it, I don't _know what it is. [Calls Mr. Kojima]_

%%%

**MR. KOJIMA: **[playing Zone Of the Enders] …stupid little… …oh, hi, Snake! What can I help you with?

**SNAKE: **What's my last name?

**MR. KOJIMA: **Well… I didn't really give you a last name.

**SNAKE: **WHAT!?!?!?

**MR. KOJIMA: **However… I _can give you one right now. First, I must ask you a simple question._

**SNAKE: **Okay… shoot.

**MR. KOJIMA:** Who's your voice in Metal Gear Solid?

**SNAKE: **[cheats by pulling a PDA with one of those wireless internet connecters] Um… some guy named David Hayter.

**ME: **This is true! Don't believe me? Check the credits screen when you beat the game!

**MR. KOJIMA:** There. That is your last name.

**SNAKE: **Cool. I'll see you later.

%%%

**???:** So… what's your last name?

**SNAKE: **It's Hayter.

**???:** ARRGGGHHHH!!!!! I wasn't expecting you to go this far! How do you do it!?

**SNAKE: **Simple. [pulls out some C4]

**???:** Uh-huh… no, really…

**SNAKE: **I'm not kidding!

**???:** Sure… anyway… beat _this_ one! I'm like you. I have no _middle_ name.

**SNAKE: **Aw, damn. You win, you cyborg ninja freak.

**BAKER:** Um… a little help here…

**NINJA: **Okay. [slices every wire]

[*boom*?]

**SNAKE:** Hey? Where's the cream filling? Um… I mean… where's the boom!?

**NINJA: **Dumbass. Snake, you took the C4, so therefore, nothing exploded.

**BAKER:** But I thought that the C4 Ocelot set up explodes when the wires are… oh, shit. [hobbles away from Snake]

**NINJA: **Um, see ya… on the other side…?

*boom*

**ME: **And what do we have? We got a smoking Snake!

**SNAKE: **[burnt to a crisp and smoking his cigs] I'm alive!

**BAKER:** Thanks to the C4, that is.

**SNAKE: **Shut up!

**NINJA: **Dude, you skipped a line…

**BAKER:** Hmm… oh, I almost forgot. That… that exoskeleton!

**NINJA:** I _hate_ this part. This is gonna suck a lot— YYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!

**SNAKE: **What the hell?

**NINJA:** ARRGGGHHHH!!!!! [runs off]

**SNAKE: **Can you talk?

**BAKER: **Oh, me? Sure I can!

**SNAKE: **Um… your detonation code…

**BAKER: **Barney and the Teletubbies rule.

**SNAKE: **Aah! What have you done? You put stuffed dinosaurs and sadistic alien-like babies into nuclear technology!?

**BAKER:** No! That _is_ the password…

**SNAKE: **Freak. Anyway, how'd they get your password?

**BAKER: **Well, I was able to make sure Psycho Mantis didn't get mine.

**SNAKE: **How?

**BAKER: **I resisted the dark side of the Force.

**SNAKE: ?**

**BAKER: **Oh! I meant that I have surgical implants in my brain. Everyone who knows these stupid, simple, not-so-top-secret codes has 'em.

**SNAKE: **Same with the DARPA Chief?

**BAKER:** Yup.

**SNAKE: **But he said… wait a minute!

**BAKER:** What?

**SNAKE: **I never got the chance to talk to him. He was shot.

**BAKER:** Oh. That's great, Jim. Now you wanna shut me up.

**SNAKE: ?**

**BAKER:** Um… nothing. Anyway, I'm supposed to tell you some crappy speech Mr. Kojima made, but I don't wanna tell you.

**SNAKE: **Okay. I'll tell Josh. [calls me and says exactly what Baker said; I now tell that to Mr. Kojima]

[…meanwhile…]

**MR. KOJIMA: **WHAT!? He SAID that!?

**ME:** Yup. Personally, Mr. Kojima, I don't hate the script. I hate Baker.

**MR. KOJIMA:** [grabs his cell phone] Hello? Hi! Yes… …uh-huh… [insert some weird noise here] …What? Never mind… …just start it.

[the Power Rangers theme song plays]

**MR. KOJIMA: **[still on the phone]** NNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!! Not that!!! FoxDie! …no. You don't get it. _FoxDie. Okay!? Bye. *click*_**

[…and we're back…]

**SNAKE: **…so I says, "Why the long face?"

**BAKER:** That's funny! You kill me! [has a heart attack] Aah! Those Pentagon pricks! So they… actually… went and did it!

**SNAKE: **Wha…

**BAKER:** There's this girl… I gave her a PAL key… had a uniform… nice ass, too…

**SNAKE: **The chick in the cell!?

**BAKER:** Call her… her number's on the CD case…

**SNAKE: **What's happening!? 

**BAKER: **They're… just… using you… for… …for… …the… *gag* [dies; PAN Card and MO Disk fall out]

**SNAKE: **[Calls: +140.85 (Colonel/Naomi)]

%%%

**SNAKE: **What the hell??? Naomi!

**NAOMI: **Snake, I… I don't know!

**CAMPBELL:** This sucks.

**SNAKE: **I don't believe in coincidences.

**NAOMI: **…or maybe you're bad luck.

**SNAKE: **I don't believe in superstitions.

**CAMPBELL:** Yeah. So, what did he drop?

**SNAKE: **His ID and a copy of StarCraft: Brood War.

**NAOMI: **Brood War? I want it! Where?

**SNAKE: **Right here! [waves it on codec screen]

**CAMPBELL:** Right. So what do we do again? [reads the strategy guide] Hmm… it says that Wolf… [goes in his trance again] aah… Wolf…

**SNAKE: **Naomi, do me a favor and tell him to shut the fuck up. I'm tired of his yapping.

**NAOMI: **So am I.

%%%

**SNAKE: **I feel the sudden urge to call someone and learn something new! [Calls: 141.52 (Nastasha)]

%%%

**NASTASHA: **[sees Snake holding the Brood War case] That is a copy of one of the bestseller games in the world: Brood War. Personally, although we humans are also known as Terrans, I hate them.

**SNAKE: **Why?

**NASTASHA: **Nukes. Those damn Ghosts. Always drop nukes on Battle.Net – it gets old _fast_.

**SNAKE: **Some advice would be fine, Nastasha…

**NASTASHA: **Oh. Well, try having fun.

**SNAKE: **How?

**NASTASHA: **Well, start a "Free-For-All" match by yourself as the Protoss. Put the cheat codes "power overwhelming" and "the gathering" in. Then make a couple of Dark Archons and maybe a Shuttle or two, for transportation. Learn "Mind Control", then send it in the middle of a fight between two or more computers. Try and see how many people you can get before your new units kill them.

**SNAKE: **I'm gonna try that. Anything else?

**NASTASHA: **Yes. Do the same thing as above, but instead of a battle, send the Dark Archons to an enemy base. Check to make sure the computer uses a lot of harvester units at one geyser or mineral patch. Control one, then watch as everyone gangs up on it.

**SNAKE: **Cool. Later.

(A/N: This is fun. You should try it!)

%%%

**SNAKE: **Okay, let's just get on with the chapter. [goes in the elevator while waving bye to #11 and #12]

**1F: TANK HANGAR ****ç******

**B1F: HOLDING CELLs/TORTURE ROOM **

**B2F: ARMORY **

**B3F: ****TOP SECRET PLACE**** WHERE LIQUID SAYS HE'S ****MASTER****MILLER******

Is Snake blind? He _can_'_t see "**B3F: TOP SECRET PLACE WHERE LIQUID SAYS HE'S MASTER MILLER**?"_

Oh, well. Chapter 5 is up, and don't forget to e-mail!


	6. Chapter 5: Meryl & Mind Control 1

**METAL GEAR SOLID**

By Josh D. Blanco

© 2003 Josh D. Blanco

Man… summer is boring sometimes… here's part 5.

Disclaimer: Hideo Kojima & Konami own Metal Gear Solid. We know that.

**CHAPTER V:**

**Meryl**** and Mind Control I**

**0635 hrs.******

**Shadow ****Moses******

**Tank Hangar 1F**

**SNAKE: **So what's her number again? [goes to get the mine detector]****

[surprisingly, no Genomes are present]

**SNAKE: **Wonder where they are…? [looks in the room he found the SOCOM in] Neato. Some thermal goggles. [equips them although it's not needed at this moment]

[cameras are off]

**SNAKE: **Odd… [Calls: 140.15 (???)]

%%%

**???: **Who are you?

**SNAKE: **I was _really impressed_ with the tight ass you got.

**???:** …

**MR.****KOJIMA****: [somewhere with me in KCEJ's HQ, slapping his forehead 'cause Snake screwed his line] Damn you, Snake!!!**

**SNAKE: **[hears Mr. Kojima] …oh, did I say that? I… er… meant, um, …_really__ impressed with your bust size._

**???: **…

**MR.****KOJIMA****: [slaps forehead again] Why me!?**

**ME: **Snake, that's not the right line.

**SNAKE: **[turns on the optional 3-way calling] [to Me] Don't blame me! I forgot it, and all I remember was a word with "bust" in it. So I thought "bust size" would work.

**MR.****KOJIMA****: Just get on with it!**

**???: **The one from the swamp…? …I mean prison.

**SNAKE: **You're Meryl, right?

**GENOME **Not him… just who are you?

**SNAKE: **I'll tell you who I am. I'm… you! I'm your shadow! Wait a minute… is that my line?

**MILLER: **[after turning on the 4-way calling] Snake, you bloody prick! That's mine! MY line!!!

[Ocelot can now be seen in Miller's codec screen]

**OCELOT: **Yo', Liquid! Want a scone?

**MILLER: **Yes… erm… no! Now go on the bloody lift like I bloody told you to!

[Ocelot doesn't respond]

**MILLER: **GET ON THE BLOODY FUCKING LIFT!!! NOW, OCELOT!!!

**GENOME **…

**MR.****KOJIMA****: [hitting himself again since_ there are now __two idiots in this game]_**

**ME:** [laughing insanely due to Liquid's – I mean – Miller's screw-up in his line]

**SNAKE: **[after reading the last few parts] Anyway… lift? Scones? It sounds like I know you.

**MILLER: ???**

**SNAKE: **…I didn't know _you_ could do that!

**MILLER: **…

**SNAKE: **The question mark thing!

**MILLER: **You mean _this_? [does the question mark thing]

**ME: **Shaddup already! 

**GENOME **To continue… just who exactly are you?

**SNAKE: **[shuts off links to Miller & Kojima] I'm the damn fool your uncle sent alone into this mess.We go _way _back.

**GENOME** How far?

**SNAKE: **Well, we were friends in elementary school. Then we got jobs. I got to destroy stuff called Metal Gear and he got to sit and eat donuts all day.

**GENOME** You think you're some one-man army?

**SNAKE: **[pretending] to think hard] Yes.

**ME: **[crossing fingers] Say the damn line…

**SNAKE: **I need lectures. Whoops, I forgot a word.

**GENOME** Yay! [starts muttering about stuff that not even Nastasha can compare to]

**ME: **[once again using time cards] "10 Minutes Later…"

**GENOME** …and then when I was seventeen, my bra strap broke in the middle of combat training—

**SNAKE: **You're like your uncle, ya'know. 

**GENOME** Who are you?

**SNAKE: **My name's not important.

**GENOME **Aha! Could you be Snake?

**SNAKE:** Naw… look at the fragging script!

**GENOME: **The legendary Solid Snake!? You!? [takes off mask] Umm… sorry about before. I wasn't sure if you were a good guy or not.

**SNAKE: **I knew you were.

**MERYL****: How?**

**SNAKE: **It's your ass.

**MERYL****: [reddens in embarrassment] …Um… what about it?**

**SNAKE: **Well, it's a sexy, tight ass. Not only that, but I can assure you that most of KCEJ's staff –

**ME: **[cutting in] Snake, the rating I put for this fic was only for the crude language and the mild sexual themes. I am _not putting up an NC-17 story. [ends link]_

**MERYL****: Anyway… [continuing her rambling] …then on the night before the high school mid-term…**

**SNAKE: **[to himself]I should really get a haircut…

**MERYL****: …me, Julie, and Alexandria hot-wired a BMW-Z3 and drove with our tops off in the highway, and then my uncle – **

**SNAKE: **Enough!!! I've had it! This is a battlefield. Thinking about anything else can get you killed!

**MERYL****: You're right! I'll open the door to the warhead storage building.**

**SNAKE: **Thanks.

**MERYL****: Oh, yeah… See ya' there!**

**SNAKE: **Whoa, wait! You forgot to give me your…

%%%

**SNAKE: **…number… DAMN!

[+140.85 (Colonel/Naomi)]

%%%

**CAMPBELL****: Snake, she opened the door. GO!**

**NAOMI****: [is seen in the background playing Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon] I hate it when that happens.**

**SNAKE: **Colonel, your niece is HOT!!!

**NAOMI****: Wait… I thought _I was the hot one!_**

[screen fades to show Mei Ling]

**MEI****LING****: What about _me!?_**

**NAOMI****: _YOU!?!?!? Snake would never go for egotistical women like you!_**

**MEI****LING****: Speak for yourself!**

**CAMPBELL:** [moves to the codec console while doing that cartoon sidestep thingy whenever the character is moving away from a fight] Snake… um… who's the hottest?

**SNAKE: **Colonel, I can't decide that for now. Just save for me… if you can…

…

**CAMPBELL****: Okay, here's a quote. "Bye."**

%%%

**0702 hrs.******

**Shadow ****Moses******

**Canyon**

**SNAKE: **This is boring… I wonder who'll call…

[140.48 (???)]

%%%

**???**: [in some half-computerized, half-robotic voice] Be careful. There are claymore mines there. Use the mine detector. Beware the crack in the ground.

**SNAKE: **Who is this?

**???: **Call me "Deepthroat."

[long pause] 

**SNAKE: **Are you a slut?

**DEEPTHROAT: **No.

**SNAKE: **Are you gay?

**DEEPTHROAT: **NO! 

**SNAKE: **Are you a goddamn telemarketer!?

**DEEPTHROAT:** Yes – I mean - _of course not_! Why would I be a telemarketer? …you interested in high-frequency blades?

**SNAKE: **Fuck off!

%%%

**SNAKE: **Hmm… claymores… mine detector… crack… must smoke…

[crouches, smokes his crack and dozes off for ten minutes]

**[MEANWHILE IN KCEJ HQ**…**]**

[Mr. Kojima is on his cell phone]

**MR.****KOJIMA****: …and…**

**DEEPTHROAT**: [on the other end] Phase One is complete. Now to Phase Two!

**ME: **[activates 3-way calling with a vid-phone] Good. Now watch this! [pulls a PS2 controller from the 4th Dimension and plugs it into a… PS2.]

**MR.****KOJIMA****: Um, Josh… what are you doing?**

**ME: **I'm showing people what happens when you smoke crack. Beware… smoking crack can cause unknown insanity and serious attention from everyone – including telemarketers.

**DEEPTHROAT:** Yay!

[…and back with Snake…]

**SNAKE:** [forcibly wakes up] Whoa… what the… what's happening? [Calls: 140.85 (Colonel/Naomi)]

%%%

**NAOMI****: Snake? What is it?**

**SNAKE: **I'm… like… being… mind-controlled… or something…

**NAOMI****: Well… um… I don't know what's happening… sorry.**

**SNAKE: **You suck!

%%%

**SNAKE: **What the hell is happening? [Calls: 140.77 (Me)]

%%%

**ME: **[not knowing Snake is on] …Fox, keep the telemarketing calls on. Mr. Kojima, get that calling card to Tokyo and… [sees Snake on screen] …um… …oh, hi, Snake! Nothing's happing here. We're just hoping you get through this whole game – err – I mean mission… heh heh. Everything's fine. Please be assured that I… um, we… I meant… nobody… yeah! – _nobody_ is controlling you because of crack. _NOBODY._

**SNAKE:** _Right_… um… what's with the PS2 controller?

**ME: **[throws PS2 controller] What PS2 controller?

**SNAKE: **…whatever… 

%%%

**SNAKE: **HELP!!! [Calls: 140.96 (Mei Ling)]

%%%

**MEI****LING****: So, Snake… am I the hottest?**

**SNAKE: **Quick! Save!

…

**MEI****LING****: Einstein's "E=MC2" theory refers to the formula… the formula… "Snake + Hot Girl = ?" where Snake equals you.**

**SNAKE: **The point is…?

**MEI****LING****: Simple. I'm hot, I'm sexy, and I _want you._**

**SNAKE: **…

%%%

**SNAKE: **[Calls: 141.80 (Miller)]

%%%

**LIQUID: **…Raven… get… that… that… _thing_! …out in the field!

[somewhere off-camera]

**???'s Voice:** [some monotonous Alaskan Native-like accent] Already did, Boss. Can I _please_ watch Nickelodeon now?

**MANTIS' Voice: **SHUT UP! I can't take it anymore!

**???'s VOICE: **[female, half-raspy, possibly Iraqi accent] You, Mantis! I wanna watch Rugrats!

**???'s Voice: **[monotone] NO! Rocket Power!

**???'s VOICE: **[female] Hey Arnold!

**???'s Voice: **[monotone] Fairly Oddparents!

**???'s VOICE: **[female] Wild Thornberrys!

**SNAKE: **Um… Liquid… sounds like you're busy.

**LIQUID: **Isn't it obvious, Snake?

**SNAKE: **Yeah.

**LIQUID: **Well, can I get you anything?

**SNAKE: **Hmm… let's see… I want a Whopper, medium fries, some SOCOM ammo, a FAMAS, a strategy guide for the Colonel that ain't some "cheap-ass strategy guide," my two front teeth, some tickets for this year's World Series, a copy of Ghost Recon: Island Thunder, a jet-black Saleen S7 with ten full cans of nitrous, and a partridge in a pear tree.

**LIQUID: **Hmm… I can't do all of it. I'm flat broke, I just wasted all my pistol ammo on #13's carcass-

[camera pans to show what looks like a mutilated body with flies buzzing all around it. "'I am NOT a gay prick!!!' –Liquid Snake" is "written" on the back.]

**LIQUID: -**anyway… …all I have are bloddy AK's, this guide I got _is_ a "cheap-ass strategy guide," I don't know the bars to the second stanza, I bribed the MLB to make sure everyone loses, "Desert Siege" is all I have, I got a rusty Nissan Skyline, equipped with a spoiler and 2.3674 cans of radioactive nitroglycerin, and it's past Christmas.

**SNAKE: **Damn, that sucks. Well, at least get Master on.

**LIQUID: **He _is _on.

**SNAKE: **Whoa! Nice costume, man! You look just like Liquid Snake, man. Where'd you get the costume?

**LIQUID: **Well, I went to the store to [has now realized his disguise is off] buy… me… a… costume…

**SNAKE: **…

**LIQUID: **…Just a sec. [runs off-screen]

**SNAKE: **[is singing Rob Zombie's "Dragula"] …I slam in the back of my Dragula…

**MILLER: **Sorry I'm late, mate.

**SNAKE: **Stop _sounding_ like him.

**MILLER: **[now aware of the British accent] Oh, sorry.

**SNAKE: **I swear… you remind me of someone… I just can't quite put my finger on it… [keeps talking how Miller and Liquid sound similar…]

**MILLER: **[has just grabbed an "official" MIB Neuralizer from the ever-famous 4th Dimension] …nice…

**SNAKE: **…and then your "costume" looked just like him…

**MILLER: **[grabs "official" pair of MIB shades from – you guessed it – the 4th Dimension]

**SNAKE: **…and then that British accent…

**MILLER: **Snake? Look at the screen.

**SNAKE: **What, more impressions?

[red flash]

**SNAKE: **…

**MILLER: **Okay. You _did not_ see Liquid Snake. You _did not_ hear Liquid Snake. You _did_ _not talk to Liquid Snake. You _did_ see Master Miller. You _did_ hear Master Miller. You _did_ talk to Master Miller._

**SNAKE: **Got it! 

%%%

[140.48 (Deepthroat)]

%%%

**SNAKE: **Oh, great. First, a doctor who can't cure my ailments, some computer girl who's lusting after me, then… some… _body_… and now, the slutty gay telemarketer! What!?

**DEEPTHROAT: **You're gonna face a tank. Best of luck.

%%%

**[BIG RUMBLE!!!]******

[flash]

[white flash]

[bright white flash]

[super bright white flash]

[extreme super bright white flash]

[more extreme super bright white flash]

[even more extreme super bright white flash]

[completely even more extreme super bright white flash]

Chapter 6 will take a while. Might as well e-mail me to criticize my work, or place comments at the Reviews section, located in that bottom-left menu.


	7. Chapter 6: Techno & Trance Tank Terror

**METAL GEAR SOLID**

By Josh D. Blanco

© 2003 Josh D. Blanco

Disclaimer: Hideo Kojima & Konami own Metal Gear Solid. 

**Chapter VI:**

**Techno/Trance Tank Terror**

[an M1A1 Abrams rolls into view]

**SNAKE: **Oh, shit! A tank!

**TANK: **[in a monotone] Yes! You are right! A tank!

**SNAKE: **Wait a minute… Am I high or something?

**ME: **[popping my head outta nowhere] No. Not yet, at least. Whaddya mean, "Am I high or something?"

**SNAKE: **The tank is talking!

**ME: **[reads above lines to find mistake]Whoops.

**VOICE in TANK: **[in a monotone] That's better!

**SNAKE: **Damn straight!

**VOICE: **This is Raven's territory!

**SNAKE: **That's nice.

**VOICE: **Send him a message.

[tank fires the main cannon]

**SNAKE: **SHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT—

[boom!!!]

**SNAKE: **[after** being blown away 20 feet]…I'm alive!?**

**VOICE: **Send him another message.

[tank fires the main cannon again]

**SNAKE: **[does the "dodge the artillery shell" jump]

**VOICE: **Not THAT message!

[hatch opens, and Genome #14 flies out, screaming]

**GENOME #14: **NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

[lands on a pair of claymores; body flies up in the air about, say, 1,000 feet]

**VOICE: **#15! Send him the message!

[tank fires the main cannon, but no "boom" is heard]

**SNAKE: **What the!?

[a piece of paper flies out]

**SNAKE: **You guys ran out of shells or something!?

[the paper hits him in the head]

**SNAKE: **AAAR-AAAAAAAAARRR-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRR! [dies while suffering from massive head trauma]

**VOICE: **Dammit, #15! I specifically said NOT to put anthrax!

[#15 flies out, and lands on one of Kirby's warp stars]

A/N: Don't own Kirby!

**GENOME #15: **I LLIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

[warp star flies into the tank hangar]

**GENOME #15:** Yee-haw!

[a nail gun hovers to #15 and fires about 100 nails]

**MANTIS: **[somewhere in his room] Fuck you! Whoo-hoo!

**ME: **Mantis really loves the f-word…

[about 5 minutes later… outside…]

**SNAKE: **[gets up] Stupid genomes.

**RAVEN: **[climbs out] Here's the real message. [throws a paper plane]

[plane hits some random snowbank]

**GENOME #14: **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! [lands on the plane, dead]

**SNAKE: **Stupid genomes. [shoves #14's body into the rest of the claymores and grabs the plane]

**RAVEN: **Read it yet?

**SNAKE: **[unfolds plane and finds a note] Hmm… [reads note aloud so everyone can hear it] "Attention, Solid Snake. You have been challenged by Vulcan Raven to fight a tank." So?

**RAVEN: **Read the other side.

**SNAKE: **"In addition to getting full ammo capacity, Solid Snake will be forced to listen to techno and trance music."

**RAVEN: **MWAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH! That's right! Techno! Trance! Come! Let's fight!

[flash]

[white flash]

[bright white flash]

[super bright white flash]

[extreme super bright white flash]

[more extreme super bright white flash]

[even more extreme super bright white flash]

[completely even more extreme super bright white flash]

**RAVEN: **[yelling to a radio] Josh! Play it!

[somewhere in my room, which looks like a massive nuclear dump without the radiation]

**ME: **All right! [clicks the "Play" button]

["Paranoize – Flip Path Mix" by Bipath is played]

**SNAKE: **SHIT! [Calls everyone at once – how do you do that?]

%%%

**CAMPBELL****: [playing Midnight Club 2 for the PS2] Goddammit, Makoto! Stupid Torques! …um… hi, Snake.**

**NASTASHA: **You are facing an M1A1 Abrams.

**MERYL****: Kill 'em, Snake!**

**MEI****LING****: Snake, I didn't give you multi-way calling! You owe me about $799.97! This doesn't include tax.**

**SNAKE: **How about this: I'll pay you later… [winks]

**NAOMI****: What the… [attacks Mei Ling] …you bitch!**

**MANTIS: **[is seen dancing to the music] …what!?

**ME: **Let's change the music… *click*

[Brain 30 – "Brain Train (Psycho tb 303 Mix)" is on]

**RAVEN: **Dang… it was getting good!

**SNAKE: **I know…

**MANTIS: **Why…? Hey, let's damn somebody!

**CAMPBELL****: Yeah! Let's damn Makoto!**

**GENOME #11: **Hell, no! What about #13?

[a picture of #13's carcass is e-mailed to everyone]

**NAOMI****: Well, if we're gonna damn someone, then…**

[A random MGS2 character pops out. If you haven't played it, well… too bad!!!]

**SOLIDUS SNAKE: **Damn the Patriots! 

**EVERYONE: **Yeah! DAMN THE PATRIOTS!!! 

**SOLIDUS: **Thanks. [leaves]

**OCELOT: **[somewhere off-camera] Who the hell was he?

**GENOME #16: **Oh, that's Solidus Snake, from MGS2. He's a very cool guy. Very, very-

[a screwdriver falls out of a plane and goes through #16's head. Ouch… don't ya think?]

**MANTIS: **Shut up! …Fucker…

**MR.****KOJIMA****: Hello…? Can we continue…?**

**ME: **Oh, yeah…

**MILLER: **Dammit, Raven! How long does it take to reload!?

**ALL the GOOD PEOPLE, MANTIS, GENOMES #11 & 12, and ME: ???**

**MILLER: **Um… I have a pet crow.

**ALL the GOOD PEOPLE, MANTIS, GENOMES #11 & 12, and ME: **Ahh.

**RAVEN: **Do not worry, boss. Fire!

*bang!*

**ALL the GOOD PEOPLE, MANTIS, GENOMES #11 & 12, and ME: **NOO!

[Snake barely dodge the shell by doing the Matrix's "dodge-the-bullets" move]

**ALL the GOOD PEOPLE, MANTIS, GENOMES #11 & 12, and ME: **Yes!

**RAVEN: **Fire!

*boom*

**SNAKE: **Eat this! [throws a ration]

**GENOME #17: **Cool!

**SNAKE: **Eat this, too! [throws a frag grenade]

**GENOME #17: **Yay! …wait…

*boom*

**GENOME #17:** AAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! [falls out, dies, and goes to hell]

**SNAKE: **Who's next!?

**GENOME #18: **Me! [thinks for six seconds – while Snake shoves a frag down the hatch] Whoops…

*boom*

[body lands on polar bear shit]

**ALL the GOOD PEOPLE, MANTIS, GENOMES #11 & 12, and ME: **YAY!

[Miller has shut his end of the link]

**SNAKE: **Cool… a Level 3 Card… eww! It's covered in shit!

**ALL the GOOD PEOPLE, MANTIS, GENOMES #11 & 12, and ME: **EWW!

[everyone else shuts off their links]

%%%

[Brain 35 - "Only An Illusion" Non Vocal Cut is on]

**RAVEN: **[on a radio] Well, boss, I hop you are happy. He got the card.

**LIQUID: **Maybe we'll play with him- what card?

**RAVEN: **Weren't you watching?

**LIQUID: **No… what card was it!? [with each progressive question, Liquid's voice accelerates with panic]

**RAVEN: **I'll let you guess…

**LIQUID: **Was it my I.D. Card?

**RAVEN: **No.

**LIQUID: **Ocelot's "First-Edition, Holographic, Red-Eyes Black-Metal-Dragon" card? Because if it is, I'm screwed.

**RAVEN: **Nope.

[Sniper Wolf walks inside the room where Liquid's at]

**LIQUID: **Your cousin's girlfriend's Victoria's Secret gift card?

**RAVEN: **Hmm… no… I have it.

**LIQUID: **The Hallmark Valentine's Day Card with pictures of Wolf and me on the front inside a heart, with the words "Sniper Wolf: I love you. Without you, I'm nothing. I want you." written inside?

**WOLF****: [gasps, but suppresses it in time so Liquid didn't hear her]**

**RAVEN: **I think so…

**LIQUID: **NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I spent hours at Hallmark. I asked for a custom-designed card! It took me forever to think of what I was gonna write! I even asked them to insert that picture… but it's gone now… how am I gonna say "Happy Valentine's Day, Wolf" without a card!? [goes into a nervous breakdown] How!?

**WOLF****: [eyes have started to water due to Liquid's "confession"]**

**RAVEN: **Boss… which card are we talking about… this year's? Or that one last year, with the _exact _same design except the picture was with Wolf naked and with you going goggle-eyed?

**LIQUID: ***sniffle* This one… [holds up the card he was talking about with his right hand]

**RAVEN: **Boss… is it just me, or is your shirt and right sleeve mis-matched?

**GENOME #19: **[goes up to the tank and throws a Vulcan Raven action figure at Raven] You can't see over the radio!

**SNAKE: **Yeah…

[an MP3 player pops out of nowhere]

**RAVEN, SNAKE, and GENOME #19: **Huh???

*beep* *beep-beep* *beep-beep-beep-beep*

[If anyone can guess what sound effect pattern I used for those beeps above, I'll insert you in the story somehow… I don't know how, but I will… To enter yourself in this "contest," review my story and place your answer inside! Hint: It's on PlayStation!]

**RAVEN, SNAKE, and GENOME #19: **OH, SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom!*

["Rococco" by Kansai is on]

**CAMPBELL****: Whoo! I love this song! [starts Moonwalking]**

*boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom!*

["Elements of Trance – DJ Kim's Reload Mix" by ACM is heard]

**CAMPBELL****: [stops]Aw, man! It was getting good!**

*boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom!*

[Brain 29 – "Demon of the Church (Mix 1)" is now heard]

**CAMPBELL****: What the fuck!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?**

*boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom!*

["Electrified" by DJ Robert & the Martinez Bros. is played]

**CAMPBELL****: [pulls out an H&K MP5SD]I swear, if that son-of-a-bitch doesn't stop switching tracks, I'll kill him!**

*boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom!*

["Syntrax" by Jack Henderson is playing]

**CAMPBELL****: That's it! He's gonna rot in hell! [storms off]**

**[MEANWHILE**…**]**

**ME: **Whoo-hoo! Another chapter done!

[his bedroom door bursts open]

**CAMPBELL****: Jack-ass! Die!!! *bang-bang-bang-bang-bang-bang***

**ME: **[grabs a cell phone & dials 9-1-1] Help… [dies due to massive shock, internal bleeding, and being lung-shot]

**CAMPBELL****: Loser. [goes back to the sub]**

**[AND BACK**…**]**

**CAMPBELL****: [closes hatch] Well, that's over. [turns around to see Mei Ling holding an OICW/GL, Naomi with an M82A1 Sniper Rifle, some crewman armed with a suppressed P90, and Psycho Mantis carrying an M249 SAW (Squad Automatic Weapon). Hey, look! It's another contest! Whoever can guess which of these weapons don't belong will also be in the story. Like I said, the "entries" are your reviews with the answer somewhere in it.] Oh, shit.**

**NAOMI****: "Oh, shit" is right.**

**MEI****LING****: [angrily] Why did you shoot the poor author!?**

**CAMPBELL****: Kept on switching tracks.**

**CREWMAN: **Wow! And here I am thinking that extras _never get lines._

**MANTIS: **That's not good enough!

**MEI****LING****: Now guess what you did…**

**CAMPBELL****: This chapter's over?**

**NAOMI****: No. You killed the author! How the hell is this story supposed to continue!?!?!?!?!?**

**CAMPBELL****: Whoops…**

**MANTIS: **Now major plotlines will never be finished!

**MEI****LING****: Or solved!**

**CREWMAN: **Another line!

**NAOMI****: Or at least read!**

**CAMPBELL****: Like what?**

**CREWMAN: **My third line!

**MEI****LING****: How Wolf responds to Liquid's "confession."**

**MANTIS: **How Snake got in the Nuclear Warhead Storage Building.

**CREWMAN: **Fourth line!

**NAOMI****: Who Snake loves.**

**CAMPBELL****: Shit. I really _did screw this story up. Oh, what have I done!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?_**

Will Josh live? 

Will this story continue? [No, it's not a contest!]

Will people figure out who Snake loves?

Will you review?

Next chapter coming in soon!

In the meantime, remember the following stuff:

-Review, please! I only have a few.  

-This story is **_NOT _over. I just needed a cliffhanger.**

-Campbell is a goddamn-mother-fucking-son-of-a-bitch.

-The two contests!

-**CREWMAN: The fifth!**

-All the girls in this story (except Wolf) will probably be in a major catfight. 

-The 4th Dimension will return!

-**CREWMAN: Sixth!**

-Contests will end around September 3, 2003.

-I go back to school September 3, 2003. From then on, it will take a bit longer for me to update or respond to e-mails. Right now, it takes two weeks, tops. Once the third arrives, it will probably be three-point-five weeks, tops.

-**CREWMAN: Lucky seven!!!**

-Again, this story isn't over. I'm not looking for anyone to continue it. It's just a cliffhanger. Okay?

-I'm putting up a web site on August 31, 2003. 

-**PLEASE REVIEW! I'm begging you all! I hardly have any reviews! I'm desperate for comments! If I could, I'd launch Arsenal Gear's hydrogen bomb at all of you!!! Well, I'll have to spare Shade Wolf (another ff.net author), since he's my first reviewer (and probably my last – hopefully not…). Thanks, man!**

-The hydrogen bomb's a joke. Shade Wolf being my only reviewer so far is not. C'mon, review, dammit!

-jduran89

-E-Mail me! It's jduran89@yahoo.com – don't forget it!


	8. Chapter 7: One Small Favor Equals One Gi...

**HOW METAL GEAR SOLID REALLY HAPPENED**

By Josh D. Blanco

© 2003 Josh D. Blanco

Yeah, chapter 7! Remember to review and e-mail me! It's jduran89@yahoo.com – please don't forget it!

Disclaimer: As much as I love MGS/MGS2, I hate disclaimers. Yeah, we know Konami owns MGS. Let's go on with the story.

**Chapter VII:**

**One Small Favor = One Giant Screwed-Up Chapter **

In the last chapter, you probably remember that I, Josh D. Blanco, the author of this story, was shot to death by Colonel Roy Campbell. Really sad. But the good news is I have been revived!!! Yeah!!!

[from outta nowhere]

**CAMPBELL****: NOO!!! My attempts were futile!!!**

Too bad, Colonel. There were some bad things. First off, the doctor said I couldn't write, so I pulled out a cell phone from the 4th Dimension. I then dialed a random number…

[in the hospital room]

**ME: **[dials random number]

%%%

**SNAKE: **Hello?

**ME: **Snake! It's Josh!

**SNAKE: **Really!?

**ME: **Really. Listen, man… can you do me a favor?

**SNAKE: **Sure. What?

**ME: **Take over the story for now.

**SNAKE: **…

**ME: **Snake?

**SNAKE: !?!?!?**

**ME: **I'll even throw in some beers and a DVD!

**SNAKE: **Wait a minute! You just turned 14! You don't drink either! How the hell can you get beers without one of those I.D. cards for cigs and beer?

**ME: **Simple. [pulls a six-pack out from the 4th Dimension]

**SNAKE: **4th Dimension?

**ME: **Yep.

**SNAKE: **That's settled… but what about that DVD? What's it about?

**ME: **Nothing much… [sly grin appears, although Snake can't see it. We're on a fricking phone!]

**SNAKE: **What's the title?

**ME: **[pulls DVD case out] "Girls Gone Wild: MGS Style!"

**SNAKE: ***yawn* Not interested.

**ME: **Let's see… [reads some more] "Featuring Meryl, Wolf, Naomi, Mei Ling, Nastasha, Olga, Fortune, Emma, and Rose!"

**SNAKE: **Whoa, whoa, whoa. You said Meryl and Wolf!?!?!?

**ME: **…uh, yeah…

**SNAKE: **I'm in! …so what do I do?

**ME: **Just write Chapter Seven!

**SNAKE: **This is ironic. You're telling me to write Chapter Seven _when you're already writing it on your PC!!!_

**ME: **Uh… hold on… [grabs one of those video phones from the 4th Dimension and hooks it up, then switches from the cell to the vid phone]

**SNAKE: **… [grabs a video phone as well]

**ME: **So?

**SNAKE: **I'm not doing it!

**ME: **Fine. [singsong] But look at what you're gonna miss… [holds phone camera to PC screen]

**SNAKE: **It's not even on.

**ME: **[flips monitor on, showing the DVD]

**SNAKE: **This is blackmail… hell, no. [turns away from the phone]

[a feminine voice is heard…]

**???: **Snake… I want you…

**SNAKE: **Not buying it.

[another female voice (Kurdish accent) joins in]

**???#2: **Snake… I'm near…

**SNAKE: **Was that Wolf? [quickly turns around, spotting Wolf and Meryl on the PC doing some _very arousing stripteases]_

**ME: **No way, man. [turns the monitor and the speakers off]

**SNAKE: **NOO! It was getting good!

**ME: **Then… 

**SNAKE: ***sigh* I'll do it. Just let me see them again!

[monitor and speakers are online again]

**SNAKE: **Oh, yeah!

%%%

A/N: Remember, I _am writing. Right now Snake has *ahem* "taken over for me" at the moment. I am not even injured. Don't worry. I'm fine._

A/N: This is Snake's writing. I don't really care how bad his writing skills are. I don't even think he went to school at all.

**SNAKE: **But-

**ME: **Combat School _doesn_'_t count, soldier!_

**SNAKE: **SHIT!

Now that we know his education, expect to see major spelling problems, grammatical errors, words that aren't even _related_ to this story, stuff about beer, random websites & naked chicks, incorrect Genome numbers, illogical use of weapons & items, et cetera, et cetera. Prepare for the worst chapter… and it's Snake's fault!

A/N: If you can read the rest of this chapter… is your I.Q. as low as his? I don't know…

**meTuL**** beer Solidefyed**

by Solid Snake

capeyrite 2ooTre

disSclaymore: nOw fools, this aint mystory you sonsofbitches .jest wntd 2 tel u dat. Eye'm doin thees 4 mye frend jOsh.

**ChapTeR**** SeveN-**

**wHat**** eyE ded @ duR nuklEer waRhead soreAge Facility**

Okay,s o I closse dA duur from dat dam snofeld. I jus took thes sheety car key dat opUns doRs.

**SNAKE: **That's good so far.

[his door busts open, thanks to a masked person (possibly female, due to curves) with a half-British accent]

**SNAKE: **What the hell…?

**???: **I'll handle this story. [shoots Snake with the M9 from MGS2]

**SNAKE: **You… bastard… [falls asleep]

**???: **[after reading what Snake typed]Hmm… this story's pretty good. But horrible writing! Hmm… I guess I should edit it… [deletes all of Snake's typing…]

**[MEANWHILE**…**]**

**RANDOM GENOME: **Yo! Josh! Who is this person?

**ME: **People would have figured it out already!

**RANDOM GENOME: **Well, who is it!?

**ME: **If you didn't yell I would've told you already.

**RANDOM GENOME: **Just tell us!

**ME: **Why should I?

**RANDOM GENOME: **_Say it or else!!!_

**ME: **Whatever.

**RANDOM GENOME: **That's it! _Now you die! [attempts pulls out his FA-MAS but gets impaled by a butcher knife, three push pins, a plastic spoon, and an entire ant colony]_

**MANTIS: **[off-camera] FUCK YOU!

**ME: **It's Naomi. Satisfied?

**[AND BACK**…**]**

**???: **What should I do?

[takes off mask]

**NAOMI****: I'll just re-edit this… "work…" that Snake did…**

A/N: Crap. Here comes the "FoxDie Woman." I doubt that even her PhD will work in writing.

**NAOMI****: [points the M9 at some random point in the room] If that son-of-a-bitch thinks that-**

**ME: **[off-camera] –"Glamour School" won't buy your way outta this pageant, you liar!

**NAOMI****: DAMN!**

That settles it. Expect loooooooooonnnnnnngggggg sentences, surprisingly _correct_ grammar, definitions, technical stuff, big words, and possible science referrals (that'll most likely be wrong).

**Měh-tŭl**** Gěere Săw-lĭd**

Author: Dr. Naomi Hunter, ATCG

© Copyright MMIII

Disclaimer: A disclaimer is a piece of writing, commonly used in "fan fictions" like these, which the author must write to confirm that he does not own what he is temporarily "borrowing." In any case, this story does not belong to me, or the real author. It _does_ belong to Hideo Kojima and the rest of Konami Computer Entertainment Company.

**Chapter VII:**

**Antidisestablishmentarian Solid Snake**

     "Aah," Snake exhaled as he triumphantly leaped into the structure's bland atmosphere. Thanks to Newton's theory of gravity, Snake could sense a microscopic amount of the radioactive element Uranium 238. 

     He used a Personnel Area Network (PAN) card to get in. A PAN card works by using your own bodily salts as the transmission medium. It accesses security entrances, hatches, garage access ways, gas locks, and bay doors.

**NAOMI****: Whew.**

[another masked person jumps out]

**???: **_I'_ll_ take over. [pulls out an RPK-74 and knocks out Naomi using the butt of the gun]_

[Naomi slumps to the floor unconscious]

**???:** Hmm… what's this? [pulls off mask]

**PSYCHO MANTIS: **Hah-hah-hah-hah- wait a minute… I pulled my mask off!? Fuck! [puts it back on]

**???: **Fucked up! My name's not **???** - it's **Psycho Mantis**! Is the author smoking weed or something? Cause this is fucked up! Damn!

**ME: **[pops in] What?

**???: **Are you high!?

**ME: **Hell, no! I just turned 14! God, I don't even _know_ any drug deals _anywhere_!

**???: **Then fix the line!

**ME: **Ever heard the word "typo?" I hope it's registered in that photographic memory of yours. Wait a minute… you're out of film!!!

**???: **[fuming with anger] Why, I oughta- [levitates a filet knife and "stabs" me with it – only to find that the knife got bent and didn't go through me] What the fuck?

**ME: **Never – I repeat – _NEVER_ attempt to stab a person with a filet knife. You'll only ruin the quality of your future salmon steaks.

**???: **Then fix the fucking line, you dead brain!

**ME: **Can't.

**???: **FUCK! Why?

**ME: **Look in the mirror, smart-ass!

[Mantis looks in the mirror to find his mask – a paper bag with eyeholes, to be exact.]

**???: **Where is it!?!?!?

**ME: **Not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer, are ya?

**???: **Where is it!? [starts crying through the bag]

**ME: **Calm down… just go back to the storyline!

**???: **Fine.

**ME: **Okay. Good.

A/N: Crud… It's Mantis. As we all know, if the doctor ain't smart, than Mantis ain't smart, either.

**???: **But I know how to spell! I've even got a Master's in Computer Programming!

**ME: **Reading the minds of people who _have_ gone to school _doesn_'_t count!_

**???: **Horseshit!

Now that we know Mantis' educational abilities, expect stuff about psychics, thoughts from other people, and him trying to prove his abilities to you.

**Mantis' Great **Story********

By: Psycho Mantis, FOX-HOUND Psychic

© 2003

Disclaimer: I don't own it. "Yeah, you do, it's your story" is what you're thinking, huh?

**Chapter 7:**

**Psycho Mantis is Cool!**

**SNAKE: **Whoo! This is cool! Mantis is cool!

**MERYL****: [off-camera] Mantis is soo hot! I want him! **

**WOLF****: Mantis, you sexy man! I need you!**

**???:** Ya-ha! This is cool!

[I come flying in through the other window]

**ME: **Mantis… you're the third person who messed up my story! Congratulations! You get a prize!

**???: **What, my mask?

**ME: **No, even better.

**???: **All of the girls naked?

**ME: **No… this! [whips out an Desert Eagle and a Bizon 9mm]

**???: **Cool!

**ME: **Bye! [pistol whips Mantis]

**???: **Uhng… [falls on top on Naomi]

**ME:** Never again will I trust anyone in this story to write a chapter again!

Well, it's over. Now I have to waste another chapter due to three idiots! [looks at Mantis & Naomi] Man, those two are going to have a hard time figuring out what the hell happened!

Things to remember:

**PLEASE REVIEW!** I am in desperate need of feedback. Whether it be for you to praise my work, criticize my story, complain about it, or sending flames (hate mail to those who don't know fan-fic terms), I don't care. Just review!

Note: For those of you who don't know how to review, it's at the bottom-left of the page. Just press the "Go" button next to the little sub-menu. However, if you don't want your comments to be displayed for the whole world to see, just e-mail me – it's jduran89@yahoo.com – don't forget it!

**THE CONTESTS FROM CHAPTER 6 ARE STILL UP! **The contests will end on September 3, 2003. If you don't remember what they were, or you're too lazy to go back to Chapter 6, here they are:

1.) *beep* *beep-beep* *beep-beep-beep-beep*

Guess the pattern. Hint: It's from a PlayStation game!

2.) OICW/GL   M82A1     P90SD     M249 SAW

Which of these weapons don't belong?

I'll give you a hint this time. Hint: Go online and search for video games with the "Game of the Year" Award!

To submit an answer for one (or both!) of these questions, simply place them inside your review. Or, you can e-mail me. Depending on how positive your review/comment is, you'll be placed inside my little story _somewhere_. It would also be a good idea to place a name in case you want to be called something. Otherwise, I'll use your pen name/screen name/e-mail for standard.

**NOTICE: POSSIBLE DELAYS STARTING September 3!** I go back to school on the third, so expect a longer time for me to update this fic or my web page. Nothing like the first day of high school – they'll kill me for being me. No, this doesn't mean you'll have to wait till summer 2004 for a new update – it means it'll take a longer time to place more chapters up.

**E-MAIL ME! **E-mail me about anything – problems in life, video game help, "Please Review My FanFic!", stuff about you, requesting stuff from me, web site updates, hate mail,  – ANYTHING! C'mon, people, just e-mail me! Remember, it's jduran89@yahoo.com. Please?

Until the next chapter, people! I'll see ya then! [turns on stealth as he runs off in search of more fan-fics, MP3's, and story ideas]


	9. Chapter 8: INSANITY: The Deadly Disease

**HOW METAL GEAR SOLID REALLY HAPPENED**

By Josh D. Blanco

© 2003 Josh D. Blanco

Is this great or what? Chapter 8 in less than one week!

**Congrats to Pablosky and soridcorps** **for winning Contest #2! **Out of the four weapons, the P90SD doesn't belong. It never appears in Ghost Recon. Maybe I shouldn't have put the hint… but what the heck? Anyway, there was only about two reviews that contained answers, and these two both got No. 2 right. No, the *beep* *beep-beep* *beep-beep-beep-beep* is not the Codec ringing from MGS1. And "?" unfortunately doesn't count. Your prizes: an exclusive cameo appearance in this fic! Not in this chapter, though, but you guy _will appear somewhere… Thanks for playing!_

**Contest #1 still up!** C'mon… answer it! Refer to the end of this chapter or Chapters 6 & 7.

DISCLAIMER: Okay, whoever invented the word "disclaimer" can rot in hell for all I care! I don't own MGS… probably never will.

**Chapter VIII:**

**Insanity… ****The Deadliest Disease**

**ME: **Well, as of right now, I have fully recovered from my wounds. During my stay at the hospital, all I did is play StarCraft because it's so cool. That game rules! Back to my PC for Chapter 8-

[my bedroom door is shot down]

**CAMPBELL****: I don't think so. [grabs a G36 Compact]**

[insert increasing threatening music]

**ME: **What the???

**CMAPBELL: **I didn't have my revenge.

**ME: **Revenge? Revenge on what?

**CAMPBELL****: "Rococco!"**

**ME: **Hot** cocoa?**

**CAMPBELL****: Kansai!**

**ME: **Kansas?

**CAMPBELL****: "Rococco" by Kansai!**

**ME: **…_yeah…_

**CAMPBELL****: YOU MAY DIE NOW!**

**ME: **…_right…_

[some slow-mo effect is added here… think of those action movies when the guys are about to draw their weapons]

**CAMPBELL****: [loads it]**

**ME: ***yawn*

**CAMPBELL****: [deactivates safety]**

**ME: ***yawn*

**CAMPBELL****: I'll…**

**ME: ***yawn*

**CAMPBELL****: …see…**

**ME: ***yawn*

**CAMPBELL****: …you…**

**ME: ***yawn*

**CAMPBELL****: …in…**

**ME: ***yawn*

**CAMPBELL****: …hell!**

**ME: ***yawn*

**CAMPBELL****: [pulls the trigger…]**

**ME: ***yawn*

[and back to normal]

*bang-bang-bang-bang-bang-bang-bang-bang-bang-bang-bang*

**ME: ***yawn*** [just sits there as the bullets whiz past him]**

**CAMPBELL**: !!!****  
ME: **I am being shielded by the electromagnetic weapons technology developed by…**

[dun-dunn-daaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!]

**ME: **…"The Patriots!"

**CAMPBELL****: GASP!**

**ME: **MWAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!!!

**CAMPBELL****: GASP-GASP!**

**ME: **Take him away!

**CAMPBELL****: GASP-GASP-GASP—[starts to hyperventilate]**

[Genomes #11 & #12 and Mantis proceed to place him in a purple straightjacket marked, "Barney Institute"]

**CAMPBELL****: [faints while getting hauled away]**

**ME: **Thank God. Now we can _finally_ get back to the story. When we last left, Snake had just defeated Vulcan Raven, some Genomes, a M1A1 Abrams, and a crack addiction. Wait a minute… I don't think he _did get over his crack…_

**[In the Nuclear ****Warhead**** **Storage****** **Building**…****]******

**SNAKE: **[seen saluting a brick and holding a grenade] I salute you, Captain!

**ME: **[off-camera] See?

**SNAKE: **So, what do you think?

**BRICK: **[really Genome #19]Um… no offense, Snake, but I think there's something wrong here…

**SNAKE: **Whaddya mean, Sir?

**BRICK: **Well, for one, I'm not a brick.

**SNAKE: **Yeah, you are! I mean, look at you pin and lapel.

[indeed, it says "Brick," but it's actually a pink slip for his _Buick in "Race Wars"]_

**BRICK: **But… that grenade…

**SNAKE: **Well… if I'm high, then this must be… ooh, I know! A lime!

**BRICK: **[looks closer] _Uh_-_huh…_

**SNAKE: **No? Okay… a kiwi!

**BRICK: **…

**SNAKE: **A bell pepper!

**BRICK: **[goggle-eyed, realizing that it _is real] HOLY SHIT!_

**SNAKE: **I got it right!?

**BRICK: **[pulls the pin and runs away as fast as he can]

**SNAKE: **A baseball?

**ME: **[off-camera]** He's _totally high._**

**SNAKE: **Spit wad?

**MANTIS: **[to me] What's with him?

**ME: **He's high.

**MANTIS: **Ah.

**SNAKE: **Oh, I know now! One of Meryl's supple-

[time freezes suddenly, and Snake and Meryl are the only ones unaffected]

**MERYL****: [runs up and slaps Snake]**

**SNAKE: **ARGH!  
**MERYL****: What are you thinking!? [leaves]**

[time somehow returns]

**ME: **_Everybody duck and cover!!!_

[everyone panics]

**ME: **[turns around in time to see the frag grenade explode]** Oh, my God! Holy shi-**

**[MEANWHILE**…**]**

[scene shifts to a TV Station]

[insert TV station music]

**ANCHORMAN: **We interrupt this program to bring this special report. Solid Snake, the legend, has apparently gone psycho due to getting high. The disease – "**I**nternal **Nervous ****System **A**cting ****Nuclear ****In your **T**onsils – ****Yuck!" Add all of the capitalized letters, and you get – **INSANITY**! It's a deadly disease. We don't think there's any cure. And here is our field reporter, Chris P. Baycon. Here he is, outside Shadow Moses Island! Chris?**

[focus in now on Chris]

**CHRIS****P.****BAYCON****: Here I am at Shadow Moses, where Snake has-**

*boom*

**CHRIS****: What was…**

[big atomic mushroom cloud appears]

**CHRIS****: SHIT-**

[transmission is cut]

**ANCHORMAN: **Um… if Shadow Moses is in Alaska, and I work in a Anchorage-based TV station, then… AAH-

[nuclear wave sweeps the world – meaning everyone is dead]

**[**…**AND THEN WE WOKE UP…****]**

**SNAKE: **Oh.

**EVERYONE ELSE in the WORLD: **Oh.

**SNAKE: **[sees an active grenade in his hand] What's with da-

*boom*

[nothing happens]

**SNAKE: **Whoo! C4 rules!!! [goes under the open door and goes into a crouching stance] Huh? I'm frozen! Help!

+140.85 (Colonel/Naomi)

%%%

**CAMPBELL****: Snake, we decided to freeze the game to give you this message.**

**NAOMI****: Snake, you must _not use _any_ weapon in there._**

**SNAKE: **And why not?

**NAOMI****: That's the warhead storage building, you deadbolt!**

**CAMPBELL****: Oh, yeah…**

**SNAKE: **Why are you telling me this?

**NAOMI****: Well, for one, I'm a woman. Any smart guy knows that women are smarter. [insert an evil grin]**

**ME: **[opens a link] Hey! I find that insulting!

**MANTIS: **[opens another link] Yeah! Me too!

**GENOME #11: **[opens a third] Ditto!

**LIQUID: **Same here!

**CAMPBELL****: [starts hyperventilating… again]**

**NAOMI****: GASP!**

**MANTIS: **Boss!? What're you doing calling us!?

**LIQUID: **I should ask _you_ the same question!

**MANTIS: **Well… I'm… uh…

**GENOME #11: **…helping us in this situation!

**SNAKE: **Liquid, you don't even _have_ this number…

**LIQUID: **[under his breath] SHIT! [to the others] Uh… let me put Miller on… [is seen running away from the Codec camera]

**LIQUID: **[off-screen] Ocelot! Where the bloody hell is my mask!?

**OCELOT: **[off-screen as well]I don't know, boss.

**LIQUID: **THEN FIND IT!!!

[a bark is heard]

**LIQUID: ? **What was that noise?

[a wolf-dog is seen zipping past the camera "holding" what appears to be a McDonnell Miller mask]

**LIQUID: **You found it! Very good!

[wolf-dog jumps up and down with excitement]

**LIQUID: **Good boy!

[wolf-dog stops]

**WOLF-DOG: **GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR………

**LIQUID: **Uh… nice boy…

**WOLF-DOG: **[leaps on Liquid, causing him to fall on the camera, cutting the link]

**EVERYONE ELSE: **GASP!

**SNAKE: **Liquid… you were the best clone brother a clone can have…

**MANTIS: **[off-screen]Godspeed.

**CAMPBELL****: Amen- *gag* [is seen gripping his throat as if he's choking]**

**SNAKE: **Aww… he's choking… let's go.

**MANTIS: **Yeah. [cuts link]

**GENOME #11: **Yeah… [cut]

**SNAKE: **Whatever… [link cut]

**NAOMI****: Josh, what should I do?**

**CAMPBELL****: I *cough* can't *gasp* breathe *gag* anymore *hack* Naomi! *wheeze***

**ME: **Leave him there. He shot me. [ends link]

**NAOMI****: Okay! [quick smile]**

%%%

**SNAKE: **Nice place they got… YEARGH! [is seen dodging the warheads, hoping the leaking plutonium doesn't get in his brain, which will cause the giant, frilly, all-around nice monsters to creep out of his ears and chase him]

**GENOME #20**:*tappity-tap* Nice shoes…

**GENOME #21: ***snore*

**SNAKE: **Safe… I guess…

**GENOME #22: !**

**(ALERT MODE)**

**SNAKE: **Damn!

**GENOME #22: **Get him!

**SNAKE: **[thinking that the three Genomes _are the giant, frilly, all-around nice monsters that are out to get him] Aah! Scary monsters! Get 'em away! AAH! [runs away]_

**MONSTER #1: **Oh, yeah, like we're gonna let him get away…

**SNAKE: **God, I'm sorry for all the things I've done wrong! I promise, I'll stop smoking crack! I'll take better are of my dogs, _and I'll never ever use your name in vain again! Just give me a sign – _any sign_!_

[runs into a sign]

**SNAKE: **Goddammit.

**MONSTER #2: **[has caught up due to the miraculous sign] There he is! Get him, guys!

**SNAKE: **Please don't eat me! I too young to die! _Please! WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Don't kill me!!!!!!_

**MONSTER #3: **[looks at Monster #2, and back]

**MONSTERS: **HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!!

**SNAKE: **What the…?

**MONSTER #1: **Dude, we want your autograph!

**(NORMAL MODE)**

**SNAKE: **Oh.

**MONSTER #3: **C'mon… sign our masks!

[the three "monsters" take their masks off]

**SNAKE: **[evilly grins] _Okay_… [draws his SOCOM and kill the three Genomes – Monsters – Genome Monsters!?]

**SNAKE: **Now that's settled. Now what was I looking for?

**MANTIS: **[playing with his yo-yo in the other side]

**SNAKE: **Something is wrong here… It's like that thing I saw…

===

[Snake is seen sitting in front of a kid wearing a red cap and a blue-and-yellow striped t-shirt swinging a baseball bat and a yo-yo]

**SNAKE: **EVIL! YOU MUST BE DESTROYED!

===

**MANTIS: **Hey, Snake! [waves happily]

**SNAKE: **You're not gonna fool me, Ness! [whips out a frag]

**MANTIS: **Huh?

**SNAKE: **[tosses the frag and hits Mantis in the balls, causing him to keel in massive pain]

**MANTIS: **ARRGGGHHHH! [faints]

**SNAKE: **How simple is this?

**GENOME #23: !**

**(ALERT MODE)**

**SNAKE: **Shit.

[Genomes #24 - #30 rush out from the elevator and point their weapons at him]

**SNAKE: **[grabs a cell phone from one of the "monsters" and is about to dial "9-1-1"] Don't make me do it!

**GENOMES: **[slowly back away]

**[MEANWHILE IN KCEJ**…**]**

**MR.****KOJIMA****: Ha-hah! It worked! "Phase 2" is over!**

**DEEPTHROAT: **[talking over a pay phone on Shadow Moses] Yes! Snake's nanomachines inserted the "INSANITY" disease into him. And this happened. The ninja telemarketer wins!

**MR.****KOJIMA****: Well, what do you think is gonna happen next?**

**DEEPTHROAT: **FoxDie?

**MR.****KOJIMA****: Nah.**

**SOLIDUS SNAKE: **[from the other room] Damn the Patriots!?

**ME: **What the hell is he doing here?

**MR.****KOJIMA****: Got bored.**

**DEEPTHROAT: **On to "Phase Three?"

**ME: **Yeah… no, no!

**MR.****KOJIMA****: WHAT!?**

**DEEPTHROAT: **What the fuck?

[suddenly, a blinding flash flashes in the room, causing temporary blindness to those who do not have any protective headgear… which would mean that Deepthroat would be the only person who's not blind at the moment…]

**DEEPTHROAT: **[looks toward the flash's point of origin]

**???: **Mr. Ninja! Let me make one thing clear!

[the flash disappears, revealing some floating guy with slender shoulders and some weird-looking jumpsuit of some sort… is it even a jumpsuit?]

**DEEPTHORAT: **Mantis!

**MANTIS: **I am the only one who can use the f-word! Capiche? [pulls out that multi-purpose field revolver from Triple X and fires a Detura Knock-Out Dart]

[the dart harmlessly bounces off the ninja's exoskeleton]

**MANTIS: **This isn't good… [fires another dart]

[bounces off again, but hits a KCEJ employee]

**KCEJ EMPLOYEE: **Shit! This… ain't… good… *zzz* [falls asleep]

**MANTIS: **DAH! [shoots]

[once again bounces off the ninja's suit, this time falling out of a window]

**[50-something FLOORS BELOW**…**]**

**DEMOLITIONS WORKER: **How's life, Johnny?

**JOHNNY****SASAKI****: Great! …except for these damn cramps.**

**WORKER: **Well, enjoy the show.

**JOHNNY****: Thanks- *ack***

[the dart hits him]

**JOHNNY****: What the… [pulls dart out as he falls asleep]**

**WORKER: **Johnny?

**JOHNNY****: [falls on the worker, pressing a button on a remote inside the worker's pocket]**

**WORKER: **SHIT! [runs away]

[a huge bang pierces the tranquil silence, creating a 600-foot tsunami heading towards the USA, Japan, the Philippines, and Hawaii, causing all the people in the specified areas to yell, "All is lost! All is lost!"]

**[AND BACK ON SHADOW ****MOSES…**]****

**SNAKE: **…I swear, I _will dial "911!" I'm suffering from "INSANITY" [Genomes grip their weapons tighter the moment he says this and back away some more, hoping they don't get "INSANITY"] …and I tell you, I'm unstable! Tell 'em, Mantis!_

**MANTIS: **[gripping an ice pack attempting to kill the pain] Believe him! He threw a fucking frag grenade at my balls! You guys know how painful it is?

**GENOMES: **Uh… no.

**SNAKE: **See!? Last chance! Place your weapons down! NOW!

**GENOMES: **[slowly place their weapons on the floor]

**SNAKE: **See? That wasn't so hard, now was it?

|INTERRUPTION|

Due to complaints that nobody made, I'm going to put a little break from codec numbers. Instead it'll look like this:

**SNAKE: **"INSANITY!" [calls Mei Ling]

Not like this:

**SNAKE: **"INSANITY!" [Cals: +140.96 (Mei Ling)]

Observe the space I save. Now to continue.

|END INTERRUPTION|

**SNAKE: ***ring* [receives a call from the Colonel]** Hold on… I'm getting a call, guys. Do me a favor and just leave for a second. Okay?**

**GENOMES: **'kay! [pick up their rifles and leave]

**SNAKE: **Hello?

%%%

**SNAKE: **Hello?

**CAMPBELL****: Snake, I'm disappointed. You're not supposed to be insane. Hell, you're not even supposed to have "INSANITY" in your system.**

**SNAKE: **Whatever.

%%%

**SNAKE: **Okay, guys. Let's pick up where we left off.

**GENOMES: **[rush back to Snake and drop their weapons]

**SNAKE: **[grabs the cell phone] I'll do it!

**GENOME #27: **C'mon… it's just a cell phone!

**SNAKE: **[pulls his FAMAS out and shoots #27] That's it! You're all gonna die! GWAH-HAH-HAH-HAH! [dials "911"]

**GENOMES #23 – 26, #28 – 30: **[cringe in fear]

**SNAKE:** Heh-heh…

**CELL PHONE: ***doo-dee-doo* I'm sorry. You are outside you service area. Please use a pay phone or other means of communication. Otherwise, we can patch you through to another local broadcast area…

**SNAKE: **Shit!

[Genomes overhear the phone and grab their weapons]

**SNAKE: **This sucks ass.

**GENOME #23: **You wanna piece of me, boy?

**GENOME #24: **En Taro Adun!

**GENOME #25: **What _is_ your major malfunction!?

**GENOME #26: **I'll scrap you along with the aliens!

**GENOME #28: **Target designated.

**GENOME #29: **For Aiur!

**GENOME #30: **Prepare to die!

**SNAKE: **[simply grabs a radio and pops in a burned CD]

**GENOMES: ???**

**SNAKE: **[presses "play"]

[radio plays "Bodies – Vrenna Mix" (used in Triple X)]

**SNAKE: **[suddenly develops a plan to go along with the music _and kill the Genomes]_

A/N: Okay… now this is going to be weird. The music will be in _italics_. Actions will be in the usual location… like this…

_Now One - Nothing wrong with me _[Snake kills #23]

The action will occur during the time when the line is sung. For instance, in the above example, Snake kills Genome #23 when the song goes, "_One – Nothing wrong with me". For those of you who have excellent thoughts, an interactive mind, an overactive imagination, or just plain paranoia, try to visualize the actions. I can see it right now…_

_…Here we go, here we go, here we go _[Snake grabs his FAMAS]

_Now One – Nothing wrong with me _[Snake shoots #23]

_Two – Nothing wrong with me _[Snake slays #24]

_Three – Nothing wrong with me_ [kills #25]

_Four – Nothing wrong with me_ [slaughters #26]

_One – Something's got to give_ [executes #28]

_Two – Something's got to give _[exterminates #29]

_Three – Something's got to give _[annihilates #30]

_NOW!!! NOW!!! NOW!!! NOW!!! _[tosses grenades everywhere]

_Let the bodies hit the floor!_ [bang]

_Let the bodies hit the floor! _[bang]

_Let the bodies hit the floor! _[bang]

_Let the bodies hit the floor!_ [bang]

_Let the bodies hit the floor!_ [bang]

_Let the bodies hit the floor! _[bang]

_Push me again _[Genomes #31 – 36 rush out of the elevator]

_This is the end! _[Genomes start shooting at Snake]

_Here we go, here we go, here we go_ [Snake reloads FAMAS]

_Now One – Nothing wrong with me _[Snake shoots somewhere]

_Two – Nothing wrong with me _[Snake shoots somewhere again]

_Three – Nothing wrong with me_ [again…]

_Four – Nothing wrong with me_ […again…]

_One – Something's got to give_ […and again…]

_Two – Something's got to give _[How long does this take?]

_Three – Something's got to give_ [*click*]

_NOW!!! NOW!!! NOW!!! NOW!!!_ [Genomes scream painfully]

_Let the bodies hit the floor!_ [#31's body falls down]

_Let the bodies hit the floor! _[#32's body collapses]

_Let the bodies hit the floor! _[#33's as well]

_Let the bodies hit the floor! _[#34's follows suit]

_Let the bodies hit the floor! _[#35's keels over]

_Let the bodies hit the floor! _[#36's topples over]

**(NORMAL MODE)**

**SNAKE: **Well. That was simple. [boards the elevator]

**END CHAPTER**

[somewhere in my house…]

**SNAKE: **Now this… [points to this chapter] is some pretty messed up shit you got here, Josh.

**CAMPBELL****: Yeah.**

**ME: **Colonel, with all due respect, I think you're violating your restraining order. Sorry. #11! #12!

**GENOME #12: **Sir? What do ya want?

**GENOME #11: **You idiot! He wants us to haul the goddamn Colonel into his brand-new home: a six-by-eight cell.

**GENOME #12: **Ooh! Let me guess! No toilets!

**GENOME #11: **Yep.

**GENOME #12: **Neato! Let's go!

[both haul the Colonel away]

**CAMPBELL****: I swear, Josh! Mark my words: you'll pay for all of this! I'll _kill_ you! I shall have my revenge!**

[doors close]

**SNAKE: **…well… he sounded… cheerful…

**ME: **Oh, well. He can't even escape. As a matter of fact, the U.S. Government had to force a large number of detainees to drown in Sea World.

[cut to Sea World in San Diego, where Shamu is currently doing a show. About fifty of the world's most notorious criminals are parachuting down hog-tied. Unfortunately for them, Shamu thought of them as more live food…]

**SNAKE: **Fifty? Where from?

**ME: **Fort Leavenworth Penitentiary.

**SNAKE: ***whistles*

**MANTIS: **That sucks.

**SNAKE: **So anyway… what are we here for?

**ME: **Well… you two are here because you guys are my "Anti-Colonel-Roy-Campbell-Guards."

**MANTIS: **Cool.

**SNAKE: **So the Meryl and Wolf porn was a scam?

**ME: **Don't have any. Actually, Mantis has some, but he agreed that he won't give you any.

**SNAKE: **[gives Mantis an evil death glare]

**MANTIS: **What!? [starts sweating]

**SNAKE: **I thought we were friends! We were buds! Now look!

**MANTIS: **But I still have your trust, right?

**SNAKE: **Cheap son-of-a-bitch! I'll cut- *gag*

**MANTIS: **I find your lack of faith disturbing, fucker.

**_REAL_**** CHAPTER ENDING**

Okay… what do you think…

I know… I'm slacking off in the humor department, but what can I say? I'm starting school in less than a week, and I'm starting Chapter 9. It's 2:03 a.m. and I've got nothing better to do. Oh, yeah… my post-chapter announcements:

**CONTEST #1 MUST BE ANSWERED!**

Deadline is September 3, 2003. If you forgot what the hell it was, then here it is…

#1. *beep* *beep-beep* *beep-beep-beep-beep*

Guess what game this sound is from!

Hint: It's from a PlayStation game!

**NEW!!! CONTEST #3!!!**

Yes, a new contest. However… I won't be as generous as I was on Contest #2. First one to answer wins nothing! Actually, you'll win something BIG. You will earn the right to actually _write_ a chapter of this story! Sounds cool? Well, you'll have to write about the part when Snake is captured, tortured by Ocelot, and breaking out. The main reason I'm doing this is because I really don't want to decide if Meryl dies or not. Also, I want to avoid as much flames as possible! Anyway… I'll post the question now and put the prize in an easy-to-understand format.

**#3.** Genomes #23, 24, 25, 26, 28, 29, and 30 each say a line before Snake grabs his radio. The task is to identify where those lines came from _and to classify __who said _what_. I'll list their lines one last time:_

**GENOME #23: **You wanna piece of me, boy?

**GENOME #24: **En Taro Adun!

**GENOME #25: **What _is_ your major malfunction!?

**GENOME #26: **I'll scrap you along with the aliens!

**GENOME #28: **Target designated.

**GENOME #29: **For Aiur!

**GENOME #30: **Prepare to die!

[HINT: Think of Chapter 1, when the Sub commander said something…]

**#3.**** = PRIZE:  
****Opportunity**** TO WRITE A CHAPTER IN THIS FIC!**

-Write from the moment Snake is captured to the part when Snake bails out of prison (Include hilarious torture sessions to spice it up)

-Decide if Meryl dies or not

-Show off your writing talent

-Practice your humor

**NOTE: JUST ONE CHAPTER!**

E-Mail me at jduran89@yahoo.com or review this story. Place your answer to any one of these contests.

**REVIEW!  
**I don't even care if you flame this story. Just review!


	10. Chapter 9: The Medicine

**HOW METAL GEAR SOLID REALLY HAPPENED**

By Josh D. Blanco

© 2003 Josh D. Blanco

Well… here's chapter 9.

I actually did it! I kept on putting it off until now!

So, here's some announcements:

**CONTEST #3 is OVER!**

Our winner: Pablosky!

Sorry, Riak Karasawa: You almost had it, but #30 was actually a Zerg Infested Terran, _not_ an Archon. Sorry. But don't worry! I'll insert you in Chapter 10.

**CHECK MY BIO!**

Now, the first things listed are announcements, like possible release dates, status reports, etc. If you want to get an idea of release dates, check out my bio!

**DISCLAIMER: **We all know the drill. I don't own Metal Gear Solid. Or Yu-Gi-Oh! Or Triple X. Or anything else.

**Chapter IX:**

**The…** the**… M**edicine**…**

[doors open to B2F of the Warhead Storage Building]

**SNAKE: **Hmm… what was I supposed to do? [calls Naomi]

%%%

**NAOMI****: Hey, Snake. Um, why are you calling?**

**SNAKE: **Well, I was in the Codec menu and I tried to dial 140.85 to reach Colonel.

**NAOMI****: Well, in case you haven't heard, he's been hauled off to Mantis' "Psychotherapy Facility." I heard Mantis is the CEO, while Ocelot was the #1 employee…**

**SNAKE: **Anyway, I'm guessing you're in charge for now.

**NAOMI****: Yep!**

**SNAKE: **Do me a favor and figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do.

**NAOMI****: Okay!**

%%%

**SNAKE: **Maybe knocking against this wall? [leans against the wall in order to knock]

[camera moves to see what's on both sides of the wall, revealing part of a room, blue carpet, and some geek-looking dude]

**SNAKE: **Whoa! Who the hell is the geek? [receives a call]

%%%

**ME: **Say that again and I'll throw you into the _exact same prison cell_ that the Colonel is using!

**SNAKE: **NOO!

**ME: **Then apologize!

**SNAKE: **…

**ME: **…

**SNAKE: **I was talking to the guy in the other side!

**ME: **Oh… okay. You can go.

**SNAKE: **'kay! …Dumbass.

**ME: **WHAT!?!?!?

**SNAKE: **…

%%%

**SNAKE: **[knocks on wall in hopes of hearing the sound that indicates, "Hey, you can blow me up with C4, shithead!"]** Um… hello? Anybody there? Answer…**

**???: **Aah! It's Kaiba here to kill me with his Blue-Eyes White-Dragon! Please spare me!

**SNAKE: **_Yeah… [leaves and goes to the gassed room]_

[some more flashes]

**SNAKE: **What the hell is this? Nerve gas? [receives a call from Naomi]

%%%

**NAOMI****: Actually, it's some sort of phosphorous-based nerve gas. Its primary role is to hinder the splitting of a major neurotransmitter known as acetylcholine. It can get into your system not only by your respiratory system, but through your skin as well. Good new is that your sneaking suit does have some materials commonly used in NBC gear. Also, the nanomachines I injected contain several amounts of FoxDie – er… a nerve gas neutralizer. Bad news is even those won't protect you during long exposures.**

**SNAKE: **English, perhaps…

**NAOMI****: For the love of God! That gas is POISONOUS! It can KILL you!**

**SNAKE: **Why didn't you say so?

%%%

**SNAKE: **Yeah… like's it's poisonous… [sniffs it and goes unconscious for 25 minutes]

[goddamn silence!]

**SNAKE: **[revived mysteriously] Cool. [gets a call]

%%%

**DEEPTHROAT: **Snake, watch out! That place is filled with gas!

**SNAKE: **No shit! Naomi told me that about 20 minutes ago!

**DEEPTHROAT: **Also, the floor is electrified!

**SNAKE: **Damn!

**DEEPTHROAT: **Well… see the wires on the wall?

**SNAKE: **What, you mean these? [points]

**DEEPTHROAT: **Yes. Go outside the room, and you'll see some sort of generator. Destroy it.

**SNAKE: **But how? I forgot to go to the first floor to pick up the Nikita launcher, and I'm too lazy to pick it up.

**DEEPTHROAT: **Well… I _can_ give you a Nikita, but instead I prefer doing it the old-fashioned way… Yours for only $2.99! Accessories sold separately. Batteries not included.

**SNAKE: **I don't have $2.99, man! …But I do have $2.98!

**DEEPTHROAT: **Hmm… okay! Order will be ready soon…

%%%

**SNAKE: **I wonder how long my shipment's gonna take… [walks outside right when Genome #37 runs up to him]

**GENOME #37: **Hello, Solid Snake. Here's your order.

**SNAKE: **Thanks. [grabs the package and runs for his life]

**GENOME #37: **Hey! Where's the $2.98?

**SNAKE: **$2.98 my ass! [zips back and shoves a frag grenade down the pathetic Genome's throat]

**GENOME #37: **[muffled] …ohm, shit!

*bang*

**SNAKE: **Now where to? [fires the Nikita, which sends the missile into the wall] What the hell? [launches another, but somehow ends up smacking the wall] Cheap telemarketers! [shoots another missile, which – again – flies into the wall] This is shit! [calls Mantis]

%%%

**SNAKE: **MANTIS! YOU THERE!?

[Mantis is seen hobbling to the video screen. Currently, he has his left arm in a cast, and there are bruises all over his shoulders and body. Hmm… must have been about the Meryl porn… He's still holding an ice pack to his balls.]

**MANTIS: **[weakly] …what?

**SNAKE: **Okay. I'm sorry for messing you up after the last chapter behind-the-scenes when nobody was looking.

[Cut to end of Chapter 8, where I just told you to read and review.

**ME: **[just cut the chapter and found Snake beating the bloody hell out of poor Mantis] That unfortunate chap. Oh well.

**MANTIS: **Josh!!! *smack* HELP!!! *whack*

**SNAKE: **Oh, so [punch] the liar [jab] becomes a [wham] loser, eh? Geez, why the hell does the author make me say corny stuff?

**ME: **Because I don't bloody care.

**SNAKE: **[gets teary-eyed] WHAT!?

**MANTIS: **Lord, please forgive me of my sins…

**SNAKE: **Or, I should change your code name to "Praying Mantis!" Har-har!

**ME: **Enough! You bums are worse than those bloody American tourists!

**SNAKE: **Wait a minute… Josh isn't British! He lives in California!

**ME: **Well, you're right… [accent changes to one that sounds British] SNAKEEEEEEE! [takes mask off]

**SNAKE: **LIQUID!

**MANTIS: **BOSS!

**RAVEN: **[walks in the set] JOSH!? TRANSFORMED!?

**LIQUID: **Yes! It's me! Now, guess what? I'm off to bury the Patriots for good!

**SOLIDUS: **[walks in as well] What the- LIQUID!? I thought you were Josh!

**ME: **[over loudspeakers] SHUT UP!!!

**LIQUID: **Goddammit, Solidus! Wrong line!

**ME: **Good job, Liquid! Continue!

**LIQUID: ***ahem*I'm off to bury the Patriots for good!

**SOLIDUS: **You know where they are? How?

**LIQUID: **[brings up right arm] Why do you think I chose Ocelot as my host?

**OCELOT: **[walks in pushing a food cart] All right! I am the host of this par-tay and we'll all play Monopoly! I call the horse!

**RAVEN: **[runs over] I'll take the wheelbarrow!

**LIQUID: **That's not what I meant! ARR!

**SNAKE: **[still teary-eyed] You mean… *sniff* we're NOT *sniff* playing Monopoly?

**ME: **Nope. Can't do that. Sorry.

**SNAKE: **ARRGGGHHH!!! [suddenly transforms into a Blue-Eyes White-Dragon with a cute little navy blue bandana around his head] ROAR!!!

**LIQUID: **[notices that he, Snake, and Mantis are in some room with only one way out] Um, I need to go!

**MANTIS: **[runs for the door] Boss! Wait!

**LIQUID: **[turns around to face Mantis] You stay here.

**MANTIS: **Why, Boss?

**LIQUID: **Because I hate you. [slams door shut and locks it]

**MANTIS: **NOO! BOSS!

**DRAGON: **GRR…

**MANTIS: **Um… nice… Blue-Eyes White Dragon?

[and back…]

**MANTIS: **[weakly] Fucker.

**SNAKE: **It's not my fault! Do _you_ got any Fusion Cards?

**ME: **Fusion Cards? This ain't Yu-Gi-Oh!

**???: **Oh, yes it is!

[Yu-Gi-Oh! theme plays over intercom while camera pans to show Yami Yugi, Joey, Tristan, and Téa]

**YAMI****YUGI****: This fan-fiction will be moved to the Yu-Gi-Oh! fan-fiction section in a matter of seconds!**

**ME: **What!? That's absurd! How are ya' gonna do that?

**TRISTAN: **By this!

[Joey tugs on some sort of leash. Seto Kaiba and Pegasus are seen with collars on. Both look like rabid dogs.]

**TÉA: **We drugged these two to bribe you into selling the story. So give up!

**YAMI****YUGI****: Yeah!**

**KAIBA: **I'll give you a billion!

**ME: **Zen, huh?

**KAIBA:** Damn!

**PEGASUS: **My personalized deck featuring Toon World!

**ME: **Nope.

**KAIBA: **_ALL of my Blue-Eyes White Dragons!_

**ME: **It'll be too easy to win.

**YAMI****YUGI****: How about _me_ throwing in all of the cards for "Exodia: The Forbidden One?"**

**ME: **COOL!

**???:** STOP!!!

[The ceiling breaks causing some nukes and desks to fall.]

**SNAKE:** Aah! It's the giant, frilly, all-around nice monsters! Get away! Aah! [runs away in sheer terror]

**JOEY****: What's with him?**

**ME: **Suffers from "INSANITY."

**TÉA: **Oh.

**SNAKE: **AIIEEEEEEEEEEE! [rams through the walls to the room where he fights the Ninja] …they're *pant* gone…

**NINJA: **Where is my friend?

[Otacon is nowhere in sight.]

**???:** [from somewhere] Josh! Don't do it!

**ME:** [yells somewhere else] Give me three reasons _why I shouldn't give this story away, you son-of-a-bitch._

**???: **One, I happen to read this.

[a masked figure drops down from the hole]

**ME: **Uh… yeah… who are you?

**???:** I'm a reviewer of this story! [takes off mask, revealing the face of a person I don't even know]

**ME: **_That was useless. I still don't know you._

**???:** What do you mean?

**ME:** Hello!? Look at the goddamn script!

**???: **Huh? [looks at script] Oh. You know me as soridcorps.

**ME: **Oh, yeah. A contest winner. Wait… did I just call you a son-of-a-bitch? My bad… I'm really sorry.

**SORIDCORPS:** Yeah, whatever. Second, I've seen the future. Trust me… you don't want to see this.

**ME: **See what?

**SORIDCORPS: **The demise of your hilarious story as the cast of Yu-Gi-Oh! buy it.

**ME: **Lemme see it.

**SORIDCORPS: **Don't say I warned ya'…

[warp to 10 years in the future, If I did sell the story]

**SORIDCORPS: **This is what happens.

**ME: **GASP!

[seen is Liquid firing nukes at the police, Ocelot and Raven on their 334,534,632,419th turn, Yugi's Dark Magician and Joey's Red-Eyes Black Dragon helping out Frieza, Android 19, Gannondorf, Bowser, Evil Majin Buu, Mecha-Genola, a wolf, some random Pokémon gone insane, a truck, Neo Cortex, some Metroid, Captain Falcon after using some speed and steroids at one time, Dark Link, Dingodile using a go-kart, an AT-ST, Infested Kerrigan, some Koopa Troopa, a handful of battle droids, an Ultralisk, Cell, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtledoves, and a partridge wreaking havoc all over the earth]

**ME: **Whoa! Hold on a sec!

[everyone stops dead in their tracks]

**ME: **This is gonna be one hell of a disclaimer… *ahem* …I do not own the following: DBZ (Frieza, Android 19, Evil Majin Buu, Cell), Yu-Gi-Oh! (the characters), Pokémon, the Metroid series, the F-Zero series, Star Wars (the AT-ST and the Battle Droids), StarCraft (Infested Kerrigan and the Ultralisk), the Legend of Zelda (Gannondorf and Dark Link), Super Mario (Bowser and the random Koopa Troopa), the Crash Bandicoot series (Neo Cortex and Dingodile), a truck, and "The Twelve Days Of Christmas." Now back to where you guys came from!

**ALL: **ARGH! [vanish into their homes]

**ME: **Now that sucks. But I gotta admit: it's not so bad. I can live with this.

**SORIDCORPS: **Oh, I forgot to mention reason #3…

**ME: **What?

**SORIDCORPS: **Your personal privacy will be destroyed.

**ME: **Give me a break.

**SORIDCORPS: **Just look. [points]

[seen is a random group of characters]

**SNAKE: **Hey! Let's blackmail him!

**YAMI****YUGI****: No! Let's trap his memories into a card!**

**RAVEN: **[insert his famous monotone]Ha-ha, Ocelot. I finally bought Park Place and Boardwalk. Feel my wrath!

**GANNONDORF: **Toss him into the Evil Realm!

**SORIDCORPS: **Shut up! [pulls out an Uzi and kills them all]

**SNAKE: **I can't die! I've got a story to lead!

**YAMI****YUGI****: You can't kill me! I made my useless Red-Eyes Black Dragon take the hit! So take that!**

**RAVEN: **…I hate to say this, but you landed on Boardwalk, Josh. And it says on the card that you owe me about… $4,000,000.74. So pay up, chump.

**ME: **Dammit! I'm bankrupt!

**RAVEN: **[monotonic] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

**ME: **But I'm the author. I can make you wear a frilly, pink tutu that says, "The Colonel and I are soul mates!"

**RAVEN: **Fine.

**???: **_Your Red-Eyes? Don't you mean Joey's?_

**YAMI****YUGI****: Uh…**

**JOEY****: Damn! My Red-Eyes! You're going down! Hey, "Animé Whiz Geek!" Thanks! [runs to Yugi] You son-of-a…**

**???: **Uh… you're welcome?

**ME: **Wait… Otacon… you're not even supposed to be in this scene! Are ya'?

**OTACON: **Are you guys delusional?

**SNAKE: **[is drunk] …heeyyyyyyyyyyyy… neat flowers…

**ME: **Wait a minute… the only way that Snake can get drunk is in other people's fan-fics… or when he watches a porno… but none of these exist… so that means… SHIT! I'm high!!!

**OTACON: **Hello.

[insert some wavy vision]

**SORIDCORPS: **See? Don't sell it. Otherwise I'll make you high again! Got it! [waves Ziploc baggie w/ weed inside]

**ME: **Think again. 

[50 Genomes pop outta nowhere]

**SORIDCORPS: **Whatever. [somehow vanishes into thin air]

**GENOMES #38 - 88: **He vanished, Sir!

**ME: **What do I pay you losers for!?!?

**GENOME #44: **Actually, Sir… you don't pay us at all.

**GENOME #75:** Don't they use that in every movie involving comedy and some dictatorship-like military force?

**ME: **NO SHIT!!! [pulls out an XM29 OICW/GL and kills the 50 Genomes until nothing is left] Snake… just get this over with. I gotta write the next chapter!

**SNAKE: **Okay! [walks with the Ninja and Otacon to the "Fight Scene"]

[…sometime later…]

**NINJA: ***ahem* Where is my friend?

**OTACON: **W-What are you talking about? [leaks his pants]

**NINJA: **[points the tip of his katana at Otacon] Don't make me use this!

**OTACON: **[sees Snake] Oh, great. What next?

**NINJA: **[turns around to see Snake] SNAKE!

**SNAKE: **…you're that… that… ninja…

**NINJA: **Hello!!!

**SNAKE: **Who are you?

**NINJA: **Ain't it obvious? I'm that-

**SNAKE: **…long-lost buddy?

**NINJA: **Uh… no.

**SNAKE: **…Samurai Jack?

**NINJA: **No…

**SNAKE: **Jet Li?

**NINJA: **…well… I wish…

**SNAKE: **…my mommy?

**NINJA: **…noooo…

**SNAKE: **My girlfriend?

**NINJA: **No.

**SNAKE: **Dark Link?

**NINJA: **[starts to get aggravated]No.

**SNAKE: **Cyrax from Mortal Kombat?

**NINJA: **NO.

**SNAKE: **Lieutenant** Samir Duran from StarCraft: Brood War?**

**NINKA: **NO!

**SNAKE: **Roy from Fire Emblem?

**NINJA: **NO!!!

**SNAKE: **The wheels on the bus that go "round and round?"

**NINJA: **NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! GET IT RIGHT!!!

[long pause]

**SNAKE: **…Ooh!I know!** That slutty, gay telemarketer?**

**NINJA: **YES! FINALLY! HE GOT IT RIGHT! I'M SO HAPPY!

**OTACON: **[make a bewildered face]

**ME: **[is about to deliver some coffee to Mr. Kojima when the ninja's line is heard via intercom, causing him to spill the cups of coffee all over himself, resulting in second-degree burns and a free lesson in Japanese profanity]

**LIQUID: **[gets up out of his bed after hearing the Ninja]** OH, MY GOOD LORD!**

**WOLF****: [gets out of Liquid's bed] The Ninja said WHAT!?!?!?**

**RAVEN: **GASP! [grabs his M61A1 Gatling Gun and shoots about thirty-something kids in the audience] You're not supposed to hear that, you little kids!

**MR.****KOJIMA****: [is now on the seventh word] BAKA!**

**JOHNNY****SASAKI****: Um, that word isn't _that bad…_**

**OCELOT: **[is about to roll the dice when he hears Ninja's line, making him mess up his so-called "lucky roll," resulting in a "Snake Eyes," which moved his piece to the "Go To Jail" space, causing him to lose all of his money (an approximate amount of $3,405,032.67), and making Raven and me point and laugh]

**MANTIS: **[gasps, but since he wears that mask, who cares?]

**MERYL****: Well, that's one guy down…**

**NASTASHA: **Yup… [pulls out notepad and scribbles frantically to erase Ninja from the bachelor's list]

**CAMPBELL****: [somehow hears Ninja, although he's probably halfway across the U.S.A.] What the!?**

**NAOMI****: [is making out with a crew member of the Discovery, when she hears Ninja, making her get up in shock and hitting the bulkhead, resulting in a mild concussion]**

**MEI****LING****: That guy's data is definitely _not going to be saved! That is sick, you know that?_**

**YOU: **[insert response]

[complete silence]

**NINJA: **What?

**OTACON: **Um… I thought that you… um… uh… y'know… go for… *gulp* eh… _girls_… yeah…

**NINJA: **What did he say?

**SNAKE: **Um… well… Otacon's birthday's on Gay… err… May. Yeah. That's what he was saying.

**ME: **[opens the door] Also, about your katana… do you notice that your handle color somehow turned into some gay… I mean grey… color… yeah…

**NINJA: **What? Did I say something?

**EVERYONE ELSE: **[fall over animé style]

**NINJA: **Well… I take that as a "yes." Well… what did I say?

**NAOMI****: Um… look up about… maybe ¾ of the page.**

**MEI****LING****: [tries to look in her script, but to no avail] Um… Naomi? I don't see it anywhere…**

**NAOMI****: Um… it's to Frank…**

**NINJA: **Huh? Did I just hear the voice of the one person I hate? Huh? Did I?

**SNAKE: **Don't tell me he's insane!

**OTACON: **This reminds me of when I had this one time machine. We usually warped to the different worlds that existed. Of course we'd try to hit on the girls-

**SNAKE: **Um, who's "we?"

**OTACON: **Me and Josh.

**SNAKE: **_JOSH__!?!?!? [yells to the ceiling] This is not fair! You don't take me to places!_

[insert magical warping as I – the author – materialize in front of the three stooges]

**??? ****(x3)****: Hey!!! We resent that!**

[the Three Stooges pop out of the locker]

**THREE STOOGES: **Tah-dah!

**EVERYONE but RAVEN: **…

**RAVEN: **GO TO HELL!

[the heavens open revealing a face that looks like… ME!?]

**ME: **WHAT THE!?

**SNAKE: **HUH!?

**NINJA: **Oh, my God! The after-effects of LSD!

**ME (Face): **YES! ME!

**ME: **…Whoa…

**SNAKE: **Uh…

**NINJA: **Um…

**ME (Face): **Raven, I don't think you believe in God.

**RAVEN: **(monotonic)It's called, "Damn the script editors!"

**ME: **Right…

**ME (Face):** …Right! So, where were we?

**RAVEN: **Um… oh, yeah! GO TO HELL!!! [grabs his M61A1 Vulcan and kills the Three Stooges] YA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

**ME (Face): **…o…kay! [vanishes]

**NINJA: **[rubs his head] To more pressing matters! *ahem*Now, Snake! Make me feel it! Make me feel alive again!

**SNAKE: **Okay! But how?

**NINJA: **[in an evil tone] I know how…

**SNAKE: **[worriedly]Eh…?

[One day later…]

[Snake and the Ninja are seen riding one of those kiddie roller coasters – the type seen in those county fairs]

**NINJA: **[holding hands in the air] Whoo-hoo! C'mon, Snake! You gotta do this! Put your hands up in the air!

**SNAKE: **You're shitting me.

[all the kids on the ride start to cry]

**SNAKE: **To hell with this shit!

[Yorgi and Kirill from Triple X appear out of nowhere]

**YORGI: **That's my line. Kirill!

**KIRILL: **Right, my friend! [pulls out his sniper rifle]

**YORGI: **Shoot that bitch!

*bam!*

**DOG: **Arf! [dies]

**YORGI: **Wrong type of bitch, bitch!

**KIRILL: **Whoops.My bad. [pulls out his pistol and shoots himself in the head]

**YORGI: **Whoops. [pulls out an M4A1]

[meanwhile…]

**SNAKE: **Huh? Ninja?

**NINJA: **WHEE!

**SNAKE: **[sigh]

[back to Yorgi]

**YORGI: **Son-of-a-bitch!

[moving to the viewing scope, where the Ninja and Snake are seen on the kiddie roller coaster]

**YORGI: **Almost there…

[Ninja hits Snake on the head]

**YORGI: **Almost _there_…

[Snake pulls out a grenade that blows up half of the fair]

**YORGI: **Ah-hah! Time to die! [pulls the trigger]

[…somewhere else in the fair…]

**MANTIS: **[holding some… wait… is that _my_ slo-mo device!?] Ahh… I love the fair. Now, what does this thing do? [click]

[the slo-mo is on, and we move back to the roller coaster…]

**YORGI: **Yes! Die!

**SNAKE: **[senses something wrong]

**NINJA: **Snake! Come on! Put your hands up!

**SNAKE:** [crosses arms]

**NINJA: **[slowly changes tone to a rather annoyed one] Snake… Come on. I said put your hands up.

**SNAKE: **[frowns]

**NINJA: **[in an aggravated tone] Put your hands up…

**SNAKE: **[looks away]

**NINJA: **[singsongs angrily] _Put your hands up_…

**SNAKE: **Hell, no.

**NINJA: **[in a state in which anger management won't even help at all] I SAID PUT YOUR HANDS UP!!!

**SNAKE: **NO.

**NINJA: **I'm gonna -YEARGH! [the bullet hits his arm]

[back to Mantis]

**MANTIS: **…so… this… [turns off slo-mo] turns it off. Ah.

[…and back…]

**SNAKE: **[happily sighs as the ride is over] Good. [watches as the kids keep crying to their mommies and daddies] Hmm… wonder what got into them… [notices the Ninja…]

**NINJA: **Damn the Patriots! AGH!

**SNAKE: **What a pathetic, gay fag. Such a waste. 

**NINJA: **…help…

**YORGI: **Shit. That fucking ninja!

**SNAKE: **Ah, so _you_ are the one who shot him…

**YORGI: **SHIT! [runs away]

**SNAKE: **[pulls out an M249 SAW] See ya'! [fires]

[none of the bullets even come close]

**YORGI: **Learn how to shoot, you piece of shit!

**SNAKE: **[grabs the Number 1 Best-seller in Barnes & Noble: "Learn How to Shoot, You Piece of Shit!" for Dummies, reads it for the next 60 seconds, and fires again]

**YORGI: **Yah-ha-ACK! [is hit dozens of times]

**SNAKE: ***phew* At least that's over.

**NINJA: **Why!!!!!!

[…1 Day after that…]

**ME: **Well, we're back! …everything, but Ninja's sanity…

[Snake, Otacon, and the Ninja are back in Otacon's lab]

**OTACON: **What's with him?

**SNAKE: **Don't know…

[The Ninja is on his hands & knees, hitting his head on the floor… hey, this floor feels soft! Cuddly!]

**NINJA: **The… the… medicine…

**OTACON: **Actually, Josh… that's 100% cotton. Cuddly, huh?

**NINJA: **The… the… medicine…

**???:** [walks in holding a gold tray, with twenty bottles of Advil, ten cups of water, an a pre-dissected frog] Here.

**NINJA: **HUH!?

**SNAKE: **Who the hell are you?

**???: **I am Pablosky! AKA: A Superior Being!

[insert lightning, thunder, and dramatic background music]

**OTACON: **What's with the added name and sound effects?

**PABLOSKY: **It was on my e-mail.

**SNAKE: **Oh.

**OTACON: **What's with the Advil?

**PABLOSKY: **Actually, it's synthetic LSD.

**NINJA: **MEDICINE!!! [chops open all of the bottles and eats all the tablets – not to mention the bottles]

**PABLOSKY: **[insert animé sweat drop]

**NINJA: **[sees some sort of geek-looking tomato with Psycho Mantis' green underwear on his head] Hee… hee-hee… har-har… LSD! LSD! Little Green Men are chasing me! Scientists are making it; President's taking it; why can't we?

**PABLOSKY: **O…kay… …um, I gotta go.

**SNAKE: **What!? Right now? [makes a hand gesture toward the Ninja. Currently, it looks like he's humping the computer mainframes and eating Otacon's DVD collections of Cowboy Bebop, Ranma, Count Down, Dragon Ball Z, and Sailor Moon]

**OTACON: **NOO!

**ME: **Um… let me see that Advil… [uses the LSD] …hey, baby! How about you and me, 7:00 p.m. sharp tomorrow?

[no response]

**ME: **C'mon…

[still none]

**ME: **Please?

[um… nope.]

**ME: **Bitch! [pulls out a Five-Seven and shoots the girl] …NO! What have I done!? I killed my love! Why'd you have to die, you fucking plastic bottle? Why?

**PABLOSKY: **That's it. The author got high. I'm leaving. Gotta work on my chapter. See ya guys!

**SNAKE & OTACON: **See ya'!

**NINJA: **[on the phone] Mr. President, is it true that you use LSD? Huh? Is it?

**ME: **[somehow on the other end] UH… YEP!

So this is it.

Read & Review.

E-Mail me.

Something.

Come on, people! Review!

…okay, I know I'm begging, but I'm desperate for feedback.

See ya in Chapter 10: The Duel…


	11. Chapter 10: The Duel Between Snake & Man...

**HOW METAL GEAR SOLID REALLY HAPPENED**

By Josh D. Blanco

© 2003 Josh D. Blanco

Hello, folks. jduran89 here. Now, I know that hardly anyone reads for the fun of it. I recently did a school survey, and 3 out of 100 people read for their enjoyment. Okay, I'll be honest… I was one of them. You guys are either going, "Who the hell does this guy think he is?" or "I agree. People should read for fun!" Well, in any case, maybe I should refer people to www.fanfiction.net and make them read. Well, I'll place the important announcements, then on with the story. Yeah! Then I'll get reviews, and then the Shadow Moses Incident will _really happen! Then Solidus will be my best friend and we'll say, "Damn the Patriots!" all day long! …erm… Okay… on with the story…_

**WHAT THE HECK!? THERE AREN'T ANY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS!**

DISCLAIMER: MGS ain't owned by me. Neither is Yu-Gi-Oh!

**Chapter X:**

**The Duel**

**OTACON: **Stupid author! Made me lose my lines for this chapter. I hate him!

**ME: **[gives an eerie glare]

**OTACON: **Nothing's gonna happen to me!

**ME: **Wrong! [whistles]

**OTACON: **Wait! Josh can't whistle!

**ME: **RIGHT!!! MUAH-HAH-HAH! [takes off the mask]

**OTACON: **AAH!

**JOHNNY SASAKI: **What!?

[…and now… the main event…]

**SNAKE: **Okay… so I'm supposed to meet Meryl in the girl's restroom, huh… [receives about 10 different calls]

%%%

**NAOMI: **Snake! You… you… pervert!

**SNAKE: **What?

**NAOMI: **That's… that's… the…

**SNAKE: **Girl's restroom?

**NAOMI: **…I hate you.

%%%

**SNAKE: **…okay…

%%%

**MEI LING: **SNAKE! YOU FUCKING PERVERT!

**SNAKE: **Um… You probably won't be able to talk to me anymore, Mei Ling.

**MEI LING: **Damn straight, you fucking perv.

**SNAKE: **No… really… look… behind you…

**MEI LING: **[scoffs] Right. Like who the fuck's gonna sneak up on me [gets hit with a mallet]

**MANTIS: **My word! …fucker…

%%%

**MERYL: **SNAKE!

**SNAKE: **What?

**MERYL: **You're not supposed to go in the girl's room!

**SNAKE: **And _you're_ not supposed to have a codec unit!

**MERYL: **…dammit…

%%%

**SNAKE: **…who is this?

**NASTASHA: **Wow! I actually got a line! …No, no, no! WAIT!

**SNAKE: **Oops. She wasted her line! BUST!

%%%

**MANTIS: **Alright, Snake!

%%%

**LIQUID: **Snake, you good ol' chap! You're doing a bloody, smashing, banging job going into the girl's room!!! Oh, wait… my disguise ain't on! SHIT! [starts to put his sunglasses on when the link cuts]

%%%

**MILLER: **[sweating like a dog] …and I love ya for it!

%%%

**ME: **Whoa! You're wasting time! Since I cut Meryl's screen time, go over to the Commander's Room. Meryl will be there.

**SNAKE: **O… kay…

%%%

**SNAKE:** Odd…

[in the Commander's Room…]

**MERYL: **SNAKE! MAKE LOVE TO ME!

**SNAKE: **[yells off-screen in a worried tone] Um… Mantis… it's not your part yet…

**MANTIS: **Snake, I'm not doing that.

**SNAKE: **[sees Mantis levitating a spoon and sends it through the ventilation ducts…] I wonder how Otacon would get through the guards…

[somewhere else…]

**OTACON:** [on a cell phone] …no, Mr. Kojima. I'm asking if… wait… did you just say you'll give me _all_ of the Yu-Gi-Oh! DVD's in the vault? NO WAY! …uh… okay! …But can you include the uncensored versions of Cowboy Bebop and Ranma? Hello? Hello!? *click* DAMN! [just walks…]

**GENOMES #89 & 90:** FREEZE!

**OTACON: **HYAH![chucks the cell phone at #90, killing him]

**GENOME #89: **Well… you're all outta weapons. How ya' gonna kill me, ass? HA-HA-HA- ACK! [the spoon flies right through his mouth and leaves him on the floor, gagging]

[…and back…]

**SNAKE: **Oh. _That's_ how.

**MERYL: **[throws the script at Snake] Snake… we got a problem. Yeah…

**SNAKE: **Uh… I don't get you.

**MERYL: **Mantis, you know how you became our ally?

**MANTIS: **Yeah… what about it?

**MERYL: **Well, it said that you two had to fight.

**SNAKE: **NOO! I don't wanna hurt my buddy!

**MANTIS: **There has to be a way!

**ME: **I got a way!

**MERYL: **If only someone had an idea…

**ME: **I have an idea!

**SNAKE: **…a very good plan…

**ME: **I have a very good plan!

**MANTIS: **…one that does _NOT_ involve the author making us look like overgrown sluts who knock our heads off…

**ME: **BUT-

**MANTIS: **…or any other sadistic, insane, cheesy plotline…

**ME: **…shit…

**[some time later**…**]**

**MANTIS: **…

**MERYL: **…

**SNAKE: **…

**ME: **…

**MANTIS: **Ah, what the hell… let's just use Josh's plan.

**ME: **YAY!

**MERYL: **So what is it?

**ME: **A duel.

**SNAKE:** …uh… what type… of duel? I don't wanna hurt him.

**ME: **A card duel!

**MERYL: **Using…

**ME: **Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters!

**MANTIS: **YES! Now I can prove to my allies that I'm better than him!

**SNAKE: **What the – Mantis, _I'M_ better. Forget it; let's just do this so the author can give me my paycheck.

**ME: **'Kay!

**[SEVERAL MINUTES LATER**…**]**

[There is a small set of bleachers on both sides of the Commander's Room. The crowds have gathered as we await our two duelists… Solid Snake and Psycho Mantis.]

**ME: **Both players start with 10,000 Life Points!

**CROWDS: **YAY!

**ME:** On the blue side, Solid Snake!

**SNAKE'S CROWD: **YAY, SNAKE!

**MANTIS' CROWD:** BOO, SNAKE!

**ME: **And in the red side, Psycho Mantis!

**MANTIS' CROWD: **YAY, MANTIS!

**SNAKE'S CROWD: **BOO, MANTIS!

**ME: **BEGIN!!!

**[The Duel Starts!]**

**MANTIS: **I won the backstage coin toss, so I go first! [draws a card, then places it facedown] I place this monster in Defense Mode! I end my turn, Snake.

**SNAKE: **Ooh… scary… [draws a card] Wha… YES! [shows his crowd, the places it face-up on the field] SWORDS OF REVEALING LIGHT! YAH-HAH-HAH!

**MANTIS' CROWD: **BOO!

**MANTIS: **Don't panic, people. He wasted it on… [flips his monster…] …my Beaver Warrior!

**MANTIS' CROWD: **HAH-HAH!

**SNAKE: **[flips 'em off] SHUT UP! I'm not done yet! I bring out… the Summoned Skull in Attack Mode!!

**CROWDS: **GASP!

**SUMMONED SKULL: **ROAR! [2500ATK 1200DEF]

**SNAKE: **However… I end my turn.

**MANTIS: **[to self] What is this idiot thinking? He could've attacked me then and there! What is he, four?

**SNAKE: **[to self] Shit. I should've attacked his Life Points. But I didn't do that. What am I, four?

**MANTIS: **[draws a card] Your move.

**SNAKE: **[draws] Hmm… I call out the Red-Eyes Black Dragon!

**SNAKE'S CROWD: **YAY!!!

**EVERYONE ELSE: **GASP!

**RED-EYES BLACK DRAGON:** ROAR! [2400ATK 2000DEF]

**MANTIS: **[draws]Well… I guess I'll place my Dark Magician in Defense Mode!

**DARK MAGICIAN: **Yeah! I rule! [2500ATK 2100DEF]

**MANTIS' CROWD: **GO! MANTIS!

**SNAKE: **SHADDUP! [draws] Ahh… Mantis, beat this! I call the legendary Blue-Eyes White Dragon!

**CROWDS: **GASP!!!

**BLUE-EYES WHITE DRAGON:** ROARRR!!! [3000ATK 2500DEF]

**MANTIS:** [draws] So, I guess this is my last turn before I can "attack…" but, I also play… SWORDS OF REVEALING LIGHT!

**SNAKE:** NOO!

**SNAKE'S CROWD: **GASP!

**SNAKE: **Shut up. [draws] Hmm…

**MANTIS: **Oh, what's wrong? Poor Snake can't move? YAH-HA-HA! [draws his card] …yes! I call the Metal Dragon!

**METAL DRAGON: **ROAR. [1800ATK 1700DEF]

**SNAKE:** Ooh… scary!

**MANTIS: **But I have… this card! [reveals a blank card…]

**SNAKE & CROWDS:** …huh…? [they all give the that anime look – the one that makes 'em have wide eyes, very small pupils, and a "Huh?" look painted all over their face]

**MANTIS: **Behold! The Millennium Rod!

[the Millennium Rod materializes on the card]

**MARIK ISHTAR: **Yeah, Mantis! …wait… _my Millennium Rod!?!?!?_

**SNAKE: **Uh… What's it do?

**MANTIS: **Well… if you play a Shadow Realm Duel, it permanently controls a monster from the opponent's side!

**SNAKE: **Yeah? So? This ain't a Shadow Realm Duel!

**ME: **But I am the author. I shall screw up this duel so anything can happen! Take that!

**SNAKE: **Damn…

[the dueling field warps into the Shadow Realm]

**MANTIS: **Hah! Now I can use the Millennium Rod! I'll take control of… the Red-Eyes Black Dragon!

**RED-EYES BLACK DRAGON: **ROAR!!!

**MANTIS: **Not only that, but I play this card to fuse the Red-Eyes and the Metal Dragon together, thus-

**SNAKE: **…creating the…

**CROWDS: **…Red-Eyes Black Metal Dragon!!!

**RED-EYES BLACK METAL DRAGON: **ROAR!!! [2800ATK 2400DEF]

**CROWDS: **GASP!

**MANTIS: **I take that as a "thank you."

**SNAKE: **[to self]Crap! I'm screwed! I don't have any magic or trap cards that can negate it! If only I had some Egyptian God Card, I'd kick his ass right now! But I don't!

**MANTIS: **Hah. You don't stand a chance!

**MANTIS' CROWD: **HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

**SNAKE'S CROWD: **BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! 

**ME: **Okay… I'm interrupting my own story… anyway, I'll occasionally interrupt the story by placing three plus signs together. I'll display the duelist's stats and stuff. It will look something like this: (This is their current status…)

+++

**SNAKE**: 10000LP

     MONSTERS:

          Summoned Skull – 2500ATK 1200DEF

          Blue-Eyes White Dragon - 3000ATK 2500DEF

**MANTIS:** 10000LP

     MONSTERS:

          Beaver Warrior – 1200ATK 1500DEF

          Dark Magician – 2500ATK 2100DEF

          Red-Eyes Black Metal Dragon – 2400ATK 2000DEF

     MAGIC/TRAP CARDS:

          Swords of Revealing Light

+++

Okay… back with the story!

One more thing – I don't know how you play the Red-Eyes Black Metal Dragon – do you need "Polymerization" or some other card? I dunno – that's why I said "…some other card…" …or maybe you don't even _need_ them… damn, I knew that I should have made them do some GoldenEye 007 tournaments!

[Alec Trevelyan from GoldenEye walks in]

**ALEC: **YEAH!

**ME: **But I didn't. [shoots him]

**SNAKE: **I wish I had a good card!

**ME: **Well, shut up and I'll give you one!

**SNAKE: **YAY!

**ME: **Hey! You didn't shut up!

**SNAKE: **WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

**ME: **Too bad! [throws a card to Mantis]

**MANTIS: **[catches the card and looks, nearly fainting in shock] Oh, my God! I got it!

**SNAKE: **GRR… [draws card]

**MANTIS: **My turn? Oh, well I'll just place down… my Obelisk the Tormentor!

**OBELISK:** GRR… [4000ATK 4000DEF]

**MANTIS: **Oh, I forgot to draw a card… [draws] YES! I play… Toon World!!! Ha-ha!

**SNAKE: **Heh… you just started to bury your own grave! Playing "Toon World" costs you 1000 Life Points!

**MANTIS: **Shit.

+++

**SNAKE: **10000LP

     MONSTERS:

          Summoned Skull – 2500ATK 1200DEF

          Blue-Eyes White Dragon – 3000ATK 2500DEF

**MANTIS: **9000LP

     MONSTERS:

          Beaver Warrior – 1200ATK 1500DEF

          Dark Magician – 2500ATK 2100DEF

          Red-Eyes Black Metal Dragon – 2400ATK 2000DEF

          Obelisk the Tormentor – 4000ATK 4000DEF

     MAGIC/TRAP CARDS:

          Swords of Revealing Light

Toon World

+++

**SNAKE: **Well… this sucks!

**ME: **I agree. Which is very shocking because normally, I would have made him do something stupid by now.

**MANTIS: **_Uh-huh…_

**ME: **For that, I will let Snake search his deck for five – I repeat, very loudly – FIVE cards of _his_ choice! Search NOW!

**SNAKE: **Okay! [starts looking furiously]

**MANTIS: **[to self]CRAP! This chapter's gonna end anytime now! If his deck was the same two weeks ago, then he's gonna find… [not to self] EXODIA THE FORBIDDEN ONE!!!

**MANTIS' CROWD: **GASP!!!

**SNAKE: **I found my cards!

**MANTIS & his CROWD: **OH, NO!!!

**ME: **Alright. Shuffle your deck.

**SNAKE: **[shuffles]

**ME: **Now show us all the cards you drew!

**SNAKE: **[reveals the cards]

**CROWDS: **GASP!

**MANTIS:** HUH!?!?!?

**ME: **[insert animé sweat drop & make me talk in a blunt voice] And he has… a "Monster Reborn" card, "Ritual of Chaos Black Magic", "Doppelganger", and two Man-Eater Bugs.

**MANTIS & his CROWD: **HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

**SNAKE: **Oh, yeah? I haven't even drawn a card yet! [draws a card] Well… I got the "Card Printer." What the heck???

**MANTIS: **???

**ME: **Let me explain. It's a magic card I made up. It allows the duelist to use the card as any card that he has in his deck. For example… let's say Snake needs "Magical Hats" to hide his monsters, but he can't afford to wait any longer. But then he uses "Card Printer" and presto! Card Printer becomes Magical Hats!

**SNAKE: **But that almost the same as "Doppelganger!"

**ME: **True, it does copy cards, and it won't let you copy a card from your opponent's deck, _but_ is has one more effect. Read the rest of the card, Snake.

**SNAKE**: Hmm… "…If used in conjunction with 'Doppelganger', you can make it be _any_ card in existence!" Whoa! And I know just what to do! [pulls out a laptop and plugs it into the big screen in the other side] Damn Windows 98! [bangs the laptop screen, denting… _THAT'S MY LAPTOP!?!?!?]__ There!_

[the screen displays FF.NET's homepage…]

**ME: **Okay…

**SNAKE: **Keep watching… it just gets better. [types] YES! I have found what I was looking for!

**ME: **And that is…

**SNAKE: **Look… [moves laptop, showing some porno site]

**CROWDS: **Eek! Gross!

**MANTIS: **Whoa… hot!

**MERYL: **Damn… I look _good_ in leather!

**SNAKE: **What the… ! Uh, wrong web page… heh… *tappity-tap*

**ME** …what now?

**SNAKE: **Well… I looked at your links, Josh, and I notice you read a good number of Yu-Gi-Oh! fics on FF.net.

**ME: **Yeah… so?

**SNAKE: **Well, on Shade Wolf's YamiBallZ, Yugi used a card called, "The Annoying Ear Flick."

**(A/N: Disclaimer: YamiBallZ is _not mine! It belongs to Shade Wolf, another FF.net author. If you happen to read stuff related to insanity, read it! It's FUNNY!!!)_**

**MANTIS: **Yeah. And?

**SNAKE: **I summon… The Annoying Ear Flick!

[a giant hand in a flicking position materializes]

**EAR FLICK: ***flicks* [100ATK 100DEF]

**MANTIS: **So? What can it do? It's powerless against my Tormentor! You possibly can't do a fucking single thing! [looks at Snake, who has a serious-looking face] …Right?

**OBELISK: **Yeah! I can crush it!

**SNAKE: **But did you even read YamiBallZ? Annoying Ear Flick, go to the Tormentor and do your stuff!

[the Ear Flick flicks the Obelisk's ears… if it has any…]

**OBELISK: **Get away from me! [starts swinging his arms, in attempt to destroy the Ear Flick]

**MANTIS: **NOO!

**SNAKE: **HA.

**MANTIS: **NOO!

**SNAKE: **HA.

**MANTIS: **NOO!

**SNAKE: **HA.

**MANTIS: **NOO!

**SNAKE: **HA.

**MANTIS: **NOO!

**SNAKE: **HA.

**MANTIS: **NOO!

**SNAKE: **HA.

**ME: **Okay. I hit the "paste" button too many times. Anyway…

**OBELISK: **HAH! [slams the ground, killing the Ear Flick]

**MANTIS: **Well, there goes your plan. Well, 4000 minus 100 equals… hmm… 3900! Hah!

**SNAKE'S CROWD: **BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

**SNAKE: **Damn!

[Life Point Standings: **SNAKE: **6100LP **MANTIS: 9000LP]**

**MANTIS' CROWD:** GO, MANTIS!!! YAY!!!

**SNAKE: **Ahem… well… who cares? I didn't lose much. Besides, you Obelisk the Tormentor got so carried away with the Ear Flick! Just look what he did!

[Everyone looks at Mantis' side of the field, where all of Mantis' other monsters are lying dead on the field]

**BEAVER WARRIOR: **Uhng…

**RED-EYES BLACK METAL DRAGON: **ARGH!

**DARK MAGICIAN: **OUCHIE!

**OBELISK: **Uh… oops? Heh…

**MANTIS: **HUH!?  
**SNAKE: **And since they were _your monsters, __you lose life points! HA-HA! C'mon, people! Point & laugh!_

**SNAKE & his CROWD**: [point at Mantis] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

**MANTIS: **NO!

**SNAKE: **Hmm… (4000-2800) + (4000-2500) + (4000-1200)= 5400!

**MANTIS:** NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

+++

**SNAKE: **6100LP

     MONSTERS:

          Summoned Skull – 2500ATK 1200DEF

          Blue-Eyes White Dragon – 3000ATK 2500DEF

**MANTIS: **3500LP

     MONSTERS:

          Obelisk the Tormentor – 4000ATK 4000DEF

     MAGIC/TRAP CARDS:

          Toon World

+++

**SNAKE: **And here's the real kick: I'm not done yet!

**CROWDS: **GASP!!!

**MANTIS: **Helluva turn.

**SNAKE: **Well, I'll play… Monster Reborn!

**MANTIS: **Fuck.

**SNAKE: **I call back the Annoying Ear Flick!

**MANTIS: **Huh…

**EAR FLICK: **[flips off Mantis]

**MANTIS: **Oh, yeah? [flips off the Ear Flick] Take that!

**SNAKE: **Oh, and Josh just rewarded me with something else!

**MANTIS: **Fuck this game!

**SNAKE: **Ooh! Here it is!

[The heavens opened and five sparkling cards floated down…]

**SNAKE: **HAH!

**MANTIS: **[puts his hands to his head]NOO! IT CANNOT BE!!!

**SNAKE: **YES IT CAN! I have just gotten these five cards three weeks ago… dueled you with 'em two weeks ago… told the shoe shiner to make 'em sparkle a week ago… anyway… I now have them back! I CALL ON EXODIA: THE FORBIDDEN ONE!!!

**MANTIS: **NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

[Exodia pops out of that screenish-like thingy…]

**EXODIA: **HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR-!!!

**SNAKE: **EXODIA!!! OBLITERATE!!!

**EXODIA: **GRR…

**MANTIS: **[is about to pull off his move when he stops] Um… no offense, but… uh… can I try doing something else?

**SNAKE: **Uh… sure!

**EXODIA: **Alright! [puts his hands back…] KAME-AME-HAME…

**MANTIS: **Oh, shit!

**OBELISK: **PLEASE SPARE ME, O GREAT FORBIDDEN ONE! PLEASE!!!

**EXODIA: **…AME-HAME-AME-HAME-AME-HAME-AME-HAME-AME-HAME…

**SNAKE: **Just do it already!

**EXODIA:** …AME-HAME-AME-HAME-AME-HHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

[the Kameamehah blast is sent hurtling toward Mantis]

**MANTIS' CROWD & OBELISK: **AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

**SNAKE:** It's over!

**MANTIS:** Yes… it's over… but for me… IT'S NOT!!! [slams down a card] THE S.O.S. DISTRESS CALL OF THE LONE WARRIOR!!!

[the Kameamehah blast is frozen in mid-air]

**SNAKE: **HUH!?

**MANTIS: **This is a special card… a card given to me by… him! [points toward a member of his audience – Dark Link (the "Ocarina of Time" Dark Link)]

**DARK LINK: **Yeah! Go, Mantis! EVIL ROCKS!

**MANTIS' CROWD: **Yeah! Go! [camera pans back, showing that in the audience is every single bad guy/girl/thing that existed in the known universe] Evil shall win this duel!!!

**MANTIS: **[bows] Thank you, thank you. Now… *ahem* This is a trap card. It activates once the opponent unleashes the hellish wrath of Exodia. In laymen's terms, it can be used anytime after the opponent has those five cards. It consists of three stages. The first was that Exodia… CAN'T… attack me with "Obliterate," the Kameamehah, or any other one-hit victory attack.

**SNAKE: **That's what happened just now!

**MANTIS: **Yes, but Stage One isn't over yet! It also turns Exodia into a regular monster, but it can combine its powers together.

**SNAKE: **Yay! So that means… [bluntly] …that it only has an attack strength of 1800, and its defense is 2200!

**MANTIS: **Well, at least you know math. Anyway, I'll explain the next two phases on my turn. MWAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!!!

**SNAKE: **[bluntly… again…] …which is right now.

**MANTIS: **Huh? You ended you turn?

**SNAKE: **Uh… yeah.

+++

**SNAKE: **6100LP

     MONSTERS:

          Summoned Skull – 2500ATK 1200DEF

          Blue-Eyes White Dragon – 3000ATK 2500DEF

          The Annoying Ear Flick – 100ATK 100DEF

          Exodia: The Forbidden One – 1800ATK 2200DEF

**MANTIS: **3500LP

     MONSTERS:

          Obelisk the Tormentor – 4000ATK 4000DEF

     MAGIC/TRAP CARDS:

          Toon World

          The SOS Distress Call of the Lone Warrior

+++

**MANTIS: **Well… on to Phase Two. Now, I get to search my deck for the card that will kick your ass! [immediately searches for the card that will kick Snake's ass]

**SNAKE: **NOO…

**MANTIS: **I found it!

**SNAKE: **[thinking] Please don't use it…

**MANTIS: **Well, I ain't using it 'til next turn. That is Part Three. Now just wait until you die, you rotten maggot.

**SNAKE: **Where is it? [draws his card] Shit! Well… I got no other choice… Annoying Ear Flick, sic dat Obelisk again!

**OBELISK: **Not again! Shit! [runs away, the Ear Flick in tow]

**SNAKE: **Oh, and since you don't have any monsters left… Blue-Eyes! Attack his Life Points with White Lightning!

**BLUE-EYES WHITE DRAGON: **ROARRRRRRR!!! [opens its mouth…]

**MANTIS: **Shit…

[the Blue-Eyes hologram crackles, and breaks]

**ALL: **HUH!?!?!?

**SNAKE: **What the… [looks where his card was laying] my Blue-Eyes card! It's gone! [looks behind him]

**SETO KAIBA: **Looking for this? [holds up Snake's Blue-Eyes and tears it in two]

**ALL: **GASP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**KAIBA: **HAH! NOW I SHALL GET PAID MILLIONS BECAUSE I– ACK!!!

**SNAKE: **[choking Kaiba] GIVE ME YOUR BLUE-EYES… _ALL OF THEM._

**KAIBA: **Okay, Okay! Geez! [hands over his Blue-Eyes…]

**ME: **[stands up & yells at Snake] USE PLAN "B!"

**SNAKE: **Right! [to Mantis] Well, you gay prick, you wanna know what "Plan B" is?

**MANTIS: **Uh… no.

**SNAKE: **Too bad! Well, I'll just play a Blue-Eyes!

**BLUE-EYES WHITE DRAGON: **ROARRR!

**MANTIS: **Fuck!

**SNAKE: **White Lightning!

**BLUE-EYES: **ROARRR! [attacks Mantis]

The blast pretty much blinded everyone, so one of my friends had to copy a Braille version of my script, xeroxed it a zillion times, and handed a copy out to everybody that needed a script. Which took about three days considering I couldn't find my loose change. Anyway… I got eye surgery and… NOW I CAN SEE!!!

**SNAKE: **HEY!

**MERYL: **I still can't see!!!

**JOHNNY SASAKI: **Yeah! Me, too!

**MANTIS: **Screw you three. Ninja and I can still see!

**NINJA: **YEAH! [back-flips into a spike pit currently located in the World of White, where the spikes look like "W's" and "V's" that were upside down…]

**ME: **And Ninja! Get the hell outta my script!

**NINJA: **Why?

**ME: **Hmm… Need I explain?

**NINJA: **Ohh… the porn… OKAY! [leaves]

…And so the Ninja left and everyone lived happily ever after. The End.

Well, it's over. But I think I forgot someone…

**SNAKE: **HELL, YEAH!

Yeah, I did… but wasn't there something else? Like some sort of Duel Monsters match or something?

**MANTIS: **NO SHIT!

Oh, what the hell… ANYWAY! *ahem* And it turned out that the blindness was actually a prolonged flash grenade. So basically, everyone turned out okay. Now my friend is being hunted down because people think he stole a Xerox machine. And I… shit… I wasted my $2.39 worth of CD's on that worthless eye surgery… LAWSUIT!!!

[insert the DBZ preview music…]

**THAT NARRATOR DUDE FROM THE DRAGON BALL Z SERIES:** On the last episode of How Metal Gear Solid Really Happened, there was a big explosion from a tiny flash grenade. The light has dimmed, and we see Psycho Mantis doing one of his evil British laughs…

**LIQUID: **HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

**NARRATOR: **Uh… Right! And now, we'll see the psychic loser! **MANTIS: SHADDUP! [voice changes to that of Darth Vader]**

**ME:** Now if you have no idea what the fuck Star Wars is, get out! [realizes that some kids are now looking through this shockingly hilarious story after doing some Google.com or Ask.com search for "Star Wars" or "Blue-Eyes White Dragon" or "Metal Gear Solid" or something. NO! I've lost readers!]

**MANTIS: **I find your lack of faith disturbing.

**NARRATOR: **No- *gag* I- *gag* am- *gag* really *gag* sorry!

**MANTIS: **Yeah, right! [snaps the guy's neck] Now my last phase is complete! I can now bring out my anti-Exodia card that will lead me to victory!

**ALL: **GASP!

**MANTIS: **[turns to face me] Josh, what's with the crowds going, "GASP!" all the time?

**ME: **Budget cuts. Low wages. Total recall. Got it?

**MANTIS: **…_uh-huh_…

**MERYL: **Go, Snake!

**MANTIS: **Prepare to meet your doom! Prepare to face your defeat! Prepare to encounter the most powerful card in Duel Monsters history! Prepare to meet… RIAK KARASAWA!!!

[A person with the pen name of Riak Karasawa appears]

**RIAK: **What the hell? [????ATK ????DEF]

**SNAKE: **Now this is a toughie. How do I kill Mantis' Life Points without killing one of Josh's reviewers?

**ME: **Hmm… good question… well, Mantis can't attack until next turn. Snake, your move.

**SNAKE: **God, no… [draws] …yes! Swords of Revealing Light!

**MANTIS: **Damn…

**SNAKE: **Now I play Pot of Greed. [discards and draws two cards] Yay! I call my _other_ Red-Eyes Black Dragon!

**RED-EYES BLACK DRAGON: **ROAR! [2400ATK 2000DEF]

**RIAK KARASAWA: **What happened?

**ME: **Well… I'm guessing that _you're_ the Anti-Exodia unit.

**RIAK: **Cool.

**MANTIS:** Hey! Cheater! You summoned two monsters! The rules say that you can only call on one!

**SNAKE: **Yeah… but did you forget that we're still in the Shadow Realm, you prick?

**MANTIS: **So?

**SNAKE: **_AND the fact that Josh is still helping me out?_

**MANTIS:** Oh, no.

**SNAKE: **Oh, yes. Now I play… [slams a magic card down in the appropriate zone] Polymerization! Now I combine the Summoned Skull and the Red-Eyes to create…

[FFFFFFFFFLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHH!]

**SNAKE: **…_THE BLACK SKULL DRAGON_!!!

**BLACK SKULL DRAGON: **ROAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [3200ATK 2500DEF]

**RIAK: **…okay… well… what's my attack power?

**ME: **0.

**RIAK: **WHAT!?!?!?

**ME: **…_BUT… there __is an effect. You use the power of the ever-famous, cuddly-soft, purely plush 100% Cotton Floor!_

**RIAK: **AND…

**ME: **…raises you attack power by 100. However, the Cotton Floor destroys all monsters that attacked. _And_ it destroys all of the opponent's Magic & Trap Cards! _AND_ Mantis is allowed to draw two cards! Okay, think of "After Genocide," "Harpie's Feather Duster," and "Pot of Greed" all in one! Not only that, but the Life Point damage _will_ be affected!

**RIAK: **I AM POWERFUL! I AM INVINCIBLE! I AM ALMIGHTY!

[the effects are applied, and Snake's screwed… a little…]

**MANTIS: **YAH-HAH-HAH! Whatcha gonna do now, SNAKE???

**SNAKE: **Um… uh… I have no idea…

**MANTIS: **Well, that's good.

**SNAKE:** Well, I got Josh to back me up! Right?

**ME: **[blank stare]

**SNAKE: **NOO!

**MANTIS: **Hah. You're gonna lose.

**SNAKE: **Oh, yeah?

**ME: **Just go on with the script!

**SNAKE: **Oh, fine.

**MANTIS: **Fuck. I wasted a line.

**ME: **So did I.

+++

**SNAKE: **3100LP

     MONSTERS:

          Exodia: The Forbidden One – 1800ATK 2200DEF

          Black Skull Dragon – 3200ATK 2500DEF

**MANTIS: **500LP

     MONSTERS:

          Obelisk the Tormentor – 4000ATK 4000DEF

          Riak Karasawa – 100ATK 0DEF

     MAGIC/TRAP CARDS:

          Toon World

+++

**SNAKE: **Grr… [draws and nearly faints] Oh, my gosh! I got a good card! I now play… this card! [places card face-down]

**MANTIS: **[draws]Now, Riak! Attack Exodia!

**SNAKE: **But his attack is low! You'll kill him!

**MANTIS: **Don't forget: Riak is the "Anti-Exodia Unit." Exodia is destroyed no matter what. Riak! Attack!

**RIAK: **HA! [pulls out a FAMAS and one of those shields used by the SWAT team – except it's made of cotton…]

**EXODIA: **Hah! No mere mortal can destroy me! [sees Riak running toward him with his large cotton shield] EXCEPT HIM!!! AAH! COTTON! [sneezes] MY ALLERGIES! ARRGGGHHHH!!!!!

[Riak just shoots him]

**EXODIA: **NOO!

**SNAKE: **NOO!

**SNAKE'S CROWD: **NOO!

**MANTIS: **YES! NOW FEEL THE PAIN!

**SNAKE: **HUH!?

**MANTIS: **Didn't I tell you? Once Exodia is destroyed, Riak Karasawa gains the attack and defense power of Exodia. _And_ it gets to be doubled!

**SNAKE: **NO!

**MANTIS: **Oh, yes. Now face the wrath that is Riak! HA-HA!

**SNAKE:** Really? Well, then… face this! I play the Giant Soldier of Stone in Defense Mode!

**GIANT SOLDIER OF STONE: **[rumble] [1300ATK 2000DEF]

**MANTIS: **And what's that gonna do?

**SNAKE: **Buy me time to defeat you!

**MANTIS: **[sarcastically]Ooh… I'm scared! Snakey is gonna kick my poor little ass! Well, too bad! I play… the fabled Dark Magician Girl!

**DARK MAGICIAN GIRL: **Yeah! [2000ATK 1700DEF]

**MANTIS: **_AND since my Dark Magician is in the Graveyard, my Dark Magician Girl gets a power boost of 300!_

**DMG: **All right! [2300ATK 1700DEF]

**MANTIS: **Now, my Dark Magician Girl! Attack that rock!

**DMG: **Yaahh! [unleashes some dark energy]

**GIANT SOLDIER OF STONE: **NO! [is destroyed]

**MANTIS: **You don't have the guts to attack my Dark Magician Girl… now that I set these Magic & Trap Cards facedown!

**SNAKE: **Should I attack?

+++

**SNAKE: **3100LP

     MONSTERS:

          Black Skull Dragon – 3200ATK 2500DEF

          [FACE-DOWN] Man-Eater Bug – 450ATK 600DEF

     MAGIC/TRAP CARDS:

          [FACE-DOWN] Monster Reborn

          [FACE-DOWN] Yami

          [FACE-DOWN] Dark Hole

          [FACE-DOWN] Metal Detector

          [FACE-DOWN] Harpie's Feather Duster

**MANTIS: **500LP

     MONSTERS:

          Riak Karasawa – 3700ATK 4400DEF

          Dark Magician Girl – 2300ATK 1700DEF

     MAGIC/TRAP CARDS:

          Toon World

          [FACE-DOWN] Waboku

          [FACE-DOWN] Waboku

          [FACE-DOWN] Dragon Capture Jar

          [FACE-DOWN] Soul Exchange

+++

**SNAKE: **[to himself]Maybe I should… but what about those trap cards!?!?!? Nah… [draws] [still to self] Hmm… this card will do me well… heh-heh… [places the Magic Drain facedown and speaks] Your move, Mantis!

**MANTIS: **Well… it looks to me like you're dead. [flips over one of his cards] I play the Dragon Capture Jar! It forces all dragons into Defense Mode!

**SNAKE: **Oh, yeah? Well, I play Metal Detector! It activates when a Continuous Trap is played, such as that Dragon Capture Jar. Think of another strategy!!!

**MANTIS: **[mumbles to self] Shit. What would I do?

**SNAKE: **My move?

**MANTIS: **Nope! Riak! Attack the Black Skull Dragon!

**RIAK: **[pulls out some C4, sets it to 5 seconds, and hurls it toward the Black Skull Dragon]

**SNAKE: **Grr… [2600LP]

**MANTIS: **You think this is over!? Dark Magician Girl! Attack that face-down card!

**DMG: **Hi-yah! [does a drop kick onto the face-down card]

[the Man-Eater Bug turns the card over]

**MANTIS: **Oh, no!

**SNAKE: **Who cares about Life Points? For now… I decide to destroy… Riak Karasawa!

**RIAK: **HEY!!!

**ME: **Hold everything! [grabs one of those cool high-tech earpiece/microphone thingies that the Secret Service use] Hmm… Bakura!

**SOMEONE in MANTIS' CROWD: **What!?

**ME:** Use your Millennium Ring!

**BAKURA: **Name a price.

**ME: **Um… free pizza?

**BAKURA: **No, you dolt. I want something good… like that one DVD you gave Snake! That "Girls Gone Wild: MGS Style" DVD! I want that copy!

**SNAKE: **[quickly grabs his DVD and holds it like there's no tomorrow] NEVER!

**ME: **Fine… Snake, give it to him.

**SNAKE: **WHAT!?!?!?

**ME: **You heard me… give it.

**SNAKE: **Why? [gives it to Bakura]

**BAKURA: **YAY! Alright… well, I… what does my Ring do again?

**ALL: **[fall over animé-style]

**ME: **Well… in the show, didn't you summon a Man-Eater Bug when you, Tristan, and Mokuba were running from Pegasus' henchmen?

**BAKURA: **I still don't see the picture…

**ALL: **[fall over animé-style… again]

**ME: **Just do it or I'll give the DVD back to Snake!

**BAKURA: **Alright! Sheesh… Mantis, let me see the card.

**MANTIS: **Okay.

**BAKURA: **[starts chanting some mantra in Egyptian]

[a confused Riak Karasawa pops out of the card]

**RIAK:** Huh?

**BAKURA: **Okay. Job's done. Yo, Liquid! Raven! I got the DVD!

**LIQUID: **HOLY SHIT!

**RAVEN: **YAY! To Josh's big screen TV!

**THE THREE: **YAY!

**ME: **Hey! I forgot to deactivate…

*boom*

**ME: **…the… security… system…

**MANTIS: **Actually, you did. I just turned it on. Hah.

**ME: **You lose 200 life points!

**MANTIS: **FUCK!

+++

**SNAKE: **750LP

     MAGIC/TRAP CARDS:

          [FACE-DOWN] Yami

          [FACE-DOWN] Monster Reborn

          [FACE-DOWN] Harpie's Feather Duster

**MANTIS: **300LP

     MONSTERS:

          Dark Magician Girl – 2300ATK 1700DEF

     MAGIC/TRAP CARDS:

          [FACE-DOWN] Waboku

          [FACE-DOWN] Waboku

          [FACE-DOWN] Soul Exchange

+++

**SNAKE: **But… my DVD!

**ME: **_YOU lose 700 Life Points!_

**SNAKE: **NO!

[Life Point Standings: **SNAKE: **50LP **MANTIS: 200LP]**

**MANTIS: **Your _LAST_ move, Snake.

**SNAKE: **[evil grin appears as he finds out what he drew] You're right! It _is_ my last turn… because _you'll LOSE!_

**MANTIS: **What!?

**SNAKE: **First, I'll play Harpie's Feather Duster!

**MANTIS: **Fuck.

**SNAKE: **Now I play… the Ritual of Chaos Black Magic!

**MANTIS: **HUH!?

**SNAKE: **I sacrifice these two cards from by hand to summon… the legendary Magician of Black Chaos!

**MAGICIAN OF BLACK CHAOS: **Man, I'm good! [2800ATK 2600DEF]

**MANTIS: **Pffh… If you attack my Dark Magician Girl, I'll still have 100 Life Points left. Then, I'll play Dark Hole, summon Battle Ox, and KILL you!!!

**SNAKE: **Think again! LOOK!

**MANTIS: **HUH!?

[the Dark Magician Girl is giving off that, "Oh! He's so strong and handsome!" look towards the magician]

**DMG: **[turns to Mantis] You know what? I hate you, Mantis. Give my card to Snake. [walks over toward Snake's field]

**MANTIS:** Oh, no.

**SNAKE: **Oh, yes! Now I play Monster Reborn! I summon the Dark Magician! Now, Magicians! Attack!

**MANTIS: **NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

**REFEREE**: Snake is declared the winner!

**SNAKE: **YAY!

**MANTIS: **BOO!

**CROWDS: **[cheer or boo depending on who favored who]

**[Somewhere else**…**]**

**RAVEN: **This DVD is good!

**LIQUID: **Oh… so Wolf _doesn't_ use a push-up bra…

**BAKURA: **Man, this DVD is cool!

**[**…**and back…****]**

**SNAKE: **Well, we're still friends, Mantis. [gets angry] Now, sinc we were playing by a modified version of the Battle City Rules, give me yor deck. [turns happy] Now, let's go Meryl.

**MERYL: **Okay.

**MANTIS: **I'll get revenge! I know where you live!

**SNAKE: **Whatever.

And so, Snake left to go to the Communications Towers.

**THE END**……**FOR NOW… ****MWAH-HAH-HAH!**

**WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

I'm not done! Now, anyway, Contest 1 is over with no winners. I hate school!

**ANNOUNCEMENTS:**

**1.) Check my Bio from time to time!** Yeah, you'll learn about me and my hobbies. Also, I update it almost every other day by placing release dates on my next and latest chapters and maybe stories!

**2.) REVIEW, GODDAMMIT!** Please review!

**3.) PREVIEW OF CHPATER 11! **Yep, a little preview… It may not look like this, but I'll guarantee that Snake's line _will_ appear in there!

**MERYL: ***bang*AGH! I'm hit!

**SNAKE**: Oh, my God! They shot Meryl! You bastard!

**4.) THAT'S IT.**

**NOW LEAVE BEFORE I BANISH YOU INTO THE SHADOW REALM! AND KINDLY REVIEW! IF YOU ATTEMPT TO COPY THIS, YOU ARE SCREWED. SO DON'T DO IT! BYE!**


	12. Chapter 11: National Torture Day

**HOW METAL GEAR SOLID REALLY HAPPENED**

By Josh D. Blanco

© 2003 Josh D. Blanco

YO! It's me again!

First, let me apologize for the late update. Sorry!

If you haven't seen "The Twin Snakes" or the "Snake Eater" trailers (view both of each!), then don't just read this! Go do a Google.com search for the trailers, download, watch, and enjoy! I can't really put it on my web site – stupid bandwidth (Damn the Patriots!) – so you'll have to get it from someone else. Anyway…

If you forgotten, or if you are a lazy-ass on the chair hoping the author updates every day, look at my BIO!!! It's got major announcements… some of my personal info, yada, yada, yada…

[hears a person in the back say, "Josh sucks!"]

**ME: **ARGH! [grabs an AK, shoots the dude, goes through a crash course in anger management, and comes back]

Anyway… read!

DISCLAIMER: 

Um… *sigh* …I'll _never get to own Metal Gear Solid._

[Genomes #11 & 12 walk in]

**GENOME #12: **We still playing that "Pick Someone to Damn" game, Josh? Cause I LOVE it.

**ME: **Actually… we are.

**GENOME #11: **Yay! *ahem* "Damn the Patriots!"

[Solidus Snake from MGS2 walks in]

**SOLIDUS: **Hey! Buzz off! That's _my_ line!

**GENOME #12: **"Damn Solidus!"

**SOLIDUS: **That's not funny.

**ME: **You guys suck. *ahem* "DAMN KOJIMA!"

**ALL:** YEAH! [give each other high fives]

**ME: **Actually, almost everything here isn't mine. 'Kay?

**Chapter XI:**

**National Torture Day**

**ME: **That was probably the longest disclaimer.

**SOLIDUS: **Hell, yeah!

**[**…**and back to our daily scheduled program…**** the story?]**

**SNAKE: **So there's this dyslexic guy that walks into a bra…

**PAID AUDIENCE: **HA-HA.

**MERYL: **[whispering to me] Does he even know that they're being _paid to laugh?_

**ME: **I don't think so…

**SNAKE: **[now realizes that the camera is on] HOLY SHIT!

**LITTLE KIDS in the AUDIENCE: **EEP!

**MERYL: **SNAKE! Stop cursing in front of the kids!

**SNAKE: **MERYL! ASSHOLE!

**LITTLE KIDS: **EEP!

**ME: **[to Raven] I thought you were the bouncer. Why'd you let these kids in?

**RAVEN: **I need to offer some animals for a ceremony.

**ME: **Um… hello? We are _humans_, Mr. Know-it-All.

**RAVEN: **[uses his famous monotone] No, we are _Homo sapiens._

**ME: **Fuck you.

[a little boy talks to his parents]

**RANDOM LITTLE KID: **Mommy? What does "fuck" mean?

**MOMMY: ***GASP!* [faints]

**SNAKE: **[yells to the kid] That's another word for "sex."

**RANDOM LITTLE KID: **Hmm… okay.

[short pause]

**RANDOM LITTLE KID: **Daddy? What does "sex" mean?

**DADDY: ***GASP!* [faints]

**SNAKE: **It's the concept of making babies, kid!

**RANDOM LITTLE KID: **Okay.

**SNAKE: **Man, I'd make a good sex education teacher!

**[sometime after the audience has left]**

**SNAKE: **Um… Meryl? Where are we?

**MERYL: **Outside Mantis' room.

**SNAKE: **[hears wolf howling] I don't like the sound of that!

**MERYL: **Stop being a sissy.

**SNAKE: **I AM NOT A SISSY! …bitch.

**MERYL: **WHAT!? [pulls out her Desert Eagle]

**SNAKE: **Um… sorry? Heh-heh?

**MERYL: **Apology… _NOT_ accepted! [shoots Snake]

**SNAKE: **ARRGGGHHHH!!!!! [dies]

**MERYL: **Whoops… again.

**[some time later**…**]**

**SNAKE: **[wakes up and finds himself inside the torture room, inside the cell] Huh? I'm not dead?

**???: **No shit.

[Liquid walks into the room]

**SNAKE: **What's the meaning of this?

**LIQUID: **Don't you remember? It's "National Torture Day!"

**SNAKE: **What's that?

**ME: **(O/C)** Man, he's dense.**

**SNAKE: **And what am I doing here? I appear here in Chapter 13! Y'know – Pablosky's chapter! [some guy appears, and whispers something in Snake's ear] Wait… I've just received word that Pablosky is _not doing the chapter. Crap._

**LIQUID: **Who cares?

**SNAKE: **But he was one of Josh's supporters!

**LIQUID: **I know – but today is "National Torture Day!" Duh.

**SNAKE: **It's… National Torture Day…? I don't quite see… [gets the point] OH, MY GOD!!! NATIONAL TORTURE DAY!?!?!?

**LIQUID: **[covers ears] OW! Not so loud!

**SNAKE: **[yells from the top of his lungs – in his case, anyone within a two meter radius is deaf for 5 minutes] NATIONAL TORTURE DAY!?!?!? OH, MY GOD! EVERYONE! RUN!!! DON'T YOU KNOW? IT'S NATIONAL TORTURE DAY!!!

**[**…**and whaddya know? Everyone heard it! From Shadow Moses…**]****

**MERYL: **What?

**GENOME #11: **[FYI: he's a good guy] National Torture Day!?

**SNIPER WOLF: **Oh, my God!

**NINJA: **It is!? Alright! [pulls out his katana]

**MANTIS: **YES! FUCKING SHOOTOUT FRENZY! [grabs a P90]

**[**…**to the submarine USS Discovery…****]**

**CAMPBELL****: Oh, dear God…**

**NAOMI: **[is playing DDRMAX2 when she hears Snake, faints in complete shock, and loses her chance to beat the Colonel's top score… 10…]

**MEI LING: **Oh, no! Now I'm gonna get shot! [is shot about a zillion times – in VR Training…]

**CAPTAIN: **What the…!? [hits his head on the periscope handle, resulting in a concussion that made his body hit the controls for the sub, making the Discovery swerve and hit an inconveniently placed brick wall located on the bottom of the ocean, causing one of the torpedo men to "accidentally" launch a nuclear-tipped torpedo toward some random location…]

**[**…**and to ****Japan…**]****

**MR. KOJIMA: **I'm gonna kick that baka Josh's ass!

**RANDOM KCEJ WORKER: **RUN!!!

**GODZILLA: **ROAR? [Translation: Huh?]

**MR. MIYAMOTO: **[in case you got no idea who this guy is, he's one of the head honchos in Nintendo] AAH!

**[**…**to the ****U.S.**** Mainland, where about a bunch of people live…** me included**…**** duh…****]**

**ME: **Oh, shit! [looks around and then gets beaten up by… well… everybody that beats me up…]

**RANDOM ****U.S.**** FOOD SERVICE WORKERS THAT HAVE BEEN ON STRIKE: YES! LET "THE UNDER-COOKED FOOD FULL OF E-COLI" CONTEST BEGIN! YAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!**

**[**…**and now it's over. The echo, I mean.]**

**SNAKE: **So, how ya gonna torture me?

**LIQUID:** Dunno… maybe by using this! [pulls out some VR Training Manual]

**SNAKE: **[animé sweatdrop]

**LIQUID: **Ahem… …whoa, she's hot.

**SNAKE: **…huh?

**LIQUID: **Oh, I forgot to mention what's _hidden behind the manual… [flips book around to reveal the latest issue of _Playboy_]_

**SNAKE: **[sweating and acting defensive] …that's… …that's not right… …Liquid! It's… …not fair!

**LIQUID: **All's fair in love, war, and _Playboy_!

**SNAKE: **GRR… [breaks free of the torture device as crummy and cheesy heroic music is played via intercom]

**LIQUID: **What the hell!?

**SNAKE: **Gimme the _Playboy_!!! [is about to jump for it when…]

[a tranquilizer dart flies by and hits Snake on the chest]

**LIQUID: **Good work, Wolf!

**WOLF: **Anytime, hon. [winks & leaves]

**LIQUID: **[goes ga-ga and follows her]

**SNAKE: **[after pulling out the dart] It was only a magazine… [falls unconscious and – well – gets the dart in him again]

**[**…**sometime later…**** …**somewhere else**…****]**

**ME: **Excuse me… um, hi. Me again. Anyway, I have no idea where Snake is. Er… he's not really _here_ at the moment…

[Meryl goes up to him & whispers something in his ear]

**ME: **What!? He did!?

**MERYL: **[grim nod]

**ME: **That bastard! Well, anyway, we found him. In jail. Apparently, he found it fun to use my imaginary time machine to warp two chapters ahead to where he gets captured. _AND THEN_ he used some… [to Meryl] …what again?

**MERYL: **[whispers]

**ME: **Oh. He got high using a marijuana joint that was stuffed with cocaine, dipped in PCP, laced with synthetic LSD, _AND_ benzodiazepine. _THEN_ he got drunk. Asshole. Well, Meryl, I guess we got no choice but to wait until all those side effects wear off.

**MERYL: **Super Smash Bros. Melee!

**ME: **Pffh… you're always Zelda! Why do you always win!?

**MERYL: **Dunno. You're just dead!

**ME: **Not if I pull out my GameShark!

**MERYL: **…well, you can't beat that.

**[**…**15 minutes later…****]**

**SNAKE: **[is now back to normal, and out of jail since I paid the "expensive" bail of $2.35…] Whoo! Man, what happened?

**MERYL: **Um, you got… high… and… drunk?

**SNAKE: **[shocked] I did?

**ME: **[faints]

**SNAKE: **Hmm… maybe I should go to Wolf's place later and get some drug counseling. After I kill her.

**MERYL: **Um, that doesn't make sense. I mean, you killing her, _then talking to her._

**SNAKE: **…I think I'm still high.

**MERYL: **…

**GENOME #91: **[walks in]** Can we get a move on?**

**MERYL: **Hold on… [looks at Snake, who's wielding his SOCOM toward Meryl _AND Genome #91]_

**GENOME #91: **Okay…

**SNAKE: **[fires at the poor Genome] Okay, now where were we?

**MERYL: **Um… well… it was when we were at those wolf caves.

**WOLF-DOGS: ***bark!* [run to Snake]

**SNAKE: ***gasp!* Wolves!? I'm scared!

**MERYL: **…geez… …and I thought "National Torture Day" couldn't get any worse…

**WOLF-DOGS: **[whine and run away right after Meryl says "National Torture Day"]

**MERYL: **What got into them? [starts walking]

**SNAKE: **Well, glad that's over. Now… where do we… um… go? YEAH! Hey, Meryl! Where do we go? …Meryl? Meryl…?

[Meryl is nowhere in sight]

**SNAKE:** Meryl, this ain't funny. Meryl?

*wolf howl*

**SNAKE: **[starting to get worried…] Meryl…?

[Codec rings & Snake answers]

**MILLER: **Snake, where are ya'?

**SNAKE: **Um… in some caves…

**MILLER: **…which ones…?

**SNAKE: **Y'know… the cave… with wolf-dogs…

**MILLER: **Any cave can have wolf-dogs. Now where the hell are you, you fucking lazy-ass?

**SNAKE: **[finally snaps] I DON'T FREAKING KNOW!!! RIGHT NOW, ALL I'VE BEEN DOING IS RUNNING AWAY FROM WOLF-DOGS, TRYING TO FIND THE COLONEL'S DAMN NIECE, SHOOTING THE GENOMES FOR NO REASON, AND LOOKING FOR A DAMN WAY OUT!!! OKAY!?!?!?

[silence]

**MILLER: **Hold on a sec.[grabs a radio] OCELOT!!!

**OCELOT (VO): **WHAT!?

**MILLER: **Where the fuck are the Genomes?

**OCELOT (VO):** Dunno. Ask Mantis.

**MILLER: **Okay. And… wait… …ya' still got your hand?

**OCELOT (VO): **Uh… yeah?

**MILLER: **Good. Liquid out. [switches radio frequencies]

**??? (VO):** …now, what you should _really_ do… is confess to him that you love him. Got that?

**MILLER: **Mantis, I don't pay you to operate an advice hotline! Is that understood!?

**MANTIS (VO):** Well, Boss… san I say something?

**MILLER: **Uh, sure…

**MANTIS (VO):** You don't pay us at all.

**MILLER: **I don't? Uh… oh, yeah, huh?

**MANTIS (VO):** …_right_…

**SNAKE: **What?

**MANTIS (VO): **D'oh! Liquid! You idiot! You kept the Codec _ON!?!?! Mother-fucking…_

**MILLER: **Uh… …what Codec? [suddenly kills the communication]

**SNAKE: **Hmm… odd… oh, well.

[he receives another call]

**CAMPBELL****: Hey, Snake!**

**SNAKE: **Colonel? I thought you were in some mental institution… how'd you get out?

**CAMPBELL****: Some 10-year-old kid named Timmy Turner sent a check for my bail money. Weird…**

**SNAKE: **Wait… you mean some 10-year-old kid named Timmy Turner from the TV show Fairly Oddparents?

**CAMPBELL****: …yeah…**

**SNAKE: **Did he say how he got the money?

**CAMPBELL****: [thinks hard] Uh… internet?**

**SNAKE: **_Okay… Now that you're back, I… …I got a __slight problem… I kinda lost Meryl in the wolf caves… …um, yeah._

[complete utter silence]

**CAMPBELL****: WWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT!?!?!?!?!?**

**SNAKE: **Um, I should go…

[cuts Codec]

**SNAKE: **Yo, Meryl! Where are ya?

[silence]

**SNAKE: **Meryl?

[more silence]

**SNAKE: **…Meryl?

[some more silence]

**SNAKE: **[calls me]Cut that out, Josh!

**ME: **What?

**SNAKE: **That – that – that silence thingy!

**ME: **Sorry. Can't.

**SNAKE: **Why not!?

**ME: **Oh, nothing. ["sneezes"] _"National Torture Day!"_

**SNAKE: **Damn…

[cuts link]

**SNAKE: **MERYL!!!

[a gun click is heard, followed by…]

**???: **Freeze!

**SNAKE: **Huh? [puts his hands up]

**???: **Don't move!

**SNAKE: **Why me?

**???: **Why you? Well, you're the hero. I'm just a lousy Genome. You get the girls, I get photos. They probably gave you a hefty sum of cash, and I don't even get paid.

**SNAKE: **Stop rambling and start shooting!

**???: **Nah. [slaps Snake's shoulder] C'mon, Snake. Lighten up, man. [steps in front of Snake]

**SNAKE: **#11!?

**GENOME #11: **Yep! It's me!

**SNAKE: **Why'd you do that?

**GENOME #11: **Duh. "National Torture Day." [leaves]

**SNAKE: **Oh.

**MERYL: **SNAKE!

**SNAKE: **MERYL! Thank goodness you're safe!

**MERYL: **[slaps Snake on his face]

**SNAKE: **OW! What was that for?

**MERYL: **For ditching me!

**SNAKE: **Pffh… No, I did not.

**MERYL: **Yes, you did!

**SNAKE: **No, I did not!

**MERYL: **You did!

**SNAKE: **Did not!

**MERYL: **Did too!

**SNAKE: **DID NOT!

**MERYL: **DID TOO!

[someone emerges from the shadows]

**ME: **For the love of God, shut the hell up!

**SNAKE & MERYL: **[shut up]

**ME: **Jeez. Now, I have no choice but to punish both of you since it's "National Torture Day." I'm really sorry. Actually, hold the phone… Nah, I ain't sorry at all.

**MERYL: **[almost looks brokenhearted]But Josh!!! Why me?

**ME: **Hmm… [pretends to think hard]…Don't know, don't care.

**MERYL: **C'mon… _please_!?!?!? [gives Josh an irresistible puppy-eyes look] Pretty please? With a cherry on top?

**ME: **I hate cherries.

**MERYL: **…oranges?

**ME: **Too acidic.

**MERYL: **A movie?

**ME: **Does it involve anything to do with your childhood?

**MERYL: **NO!  
**ME: **…

**MERYL: **[dejectedly] …yes…

**ME: **Too bad. REX!

[a cute little wolf-dog puppy walks out of the shadows]

**MERYL: **Aww… he's so cute!

**ME: **[insert evil grin]Think again.

**MERYL: **Huh?

**ME: **Snake, slap Meryl.

**SNAKE: **WHAT!?  
**ME: **You heard me, Snake. Slap her.

**MERYL: **[cringes]

**SNAKE: **I can't. I don't want to hurt her.

**ME: **Slap her.

**SNAKE: **No!

**ME: **Do it.

**SNAKE: **NO!!!

**ME: **I SAID DO IT, YOU FILTHY PIECE OF SHIT!

**SNAKE: **LIKE HELL I WILL! I AM _NOT_ GOING TO SLAP HER, AND THERE'S NO WAY YOU'LL MAKE ME!

**ME: **[pulls out a folded paper and gives it to Snake]

**SNAKE: **[opens it] *GASP!* An authentic, _Playboy centerfold of Sniper Wolf! Alright! I'll do it! [slaps Meryl]_

**MERYL: **OWIE!

**SNAKE: **Now what?

**MERYL: **[starts crying] …d-d-do you… *sob* …kn-n-now how m-m-much… *sob* …that hurt m-m-m-me, S-s-s-snake? *sob*

**ME: **Look what you did, Snake! Meryl, I want you to whistle.

**MERYL: **…w-w-what… *sob* …g-g-g-good would that d-d-do?

**ME: **Just do it!

**MERYL: **[slowly stops crying] …well… …um… …_okay… [whistles]_

[Rex the wolf-dog pup starts chewing on Snake's leg]

**SNAKE: **Aah! Rabies! It burns!

**ME: **Feel better?

**MERYL: ***sniffle* Actually, yeah!

**SNAKE: **Wolf, you got any rabies shots available?

[voice is heard O/C]

**WOLF: **Uh, no, Snake.

**SNAKE: **AAGH!

**MR. KOJIMA: **CUT! Snake, Rex ain't infected.

**SNAKE: **But, this wolf-dog _IS_ infected!

**WOLF: **Hey, don't look at me!

**MR. KOJIMA: **Fine, you wuss. [yells off-stage] Props!

**PROPS GUY: **What?

**MR. KOJIMA: **Get Rex off the set.

**REX: **[sadly whines… aww, how sad!]

**MR. KOJIMA: **LIGHTS!

**LIGHTS GUY: **What?

**MR. KOJIMA: **Change the lights. We need "infrared vision."

**LIGHTS GUY: **'Kay.

**MR. KOJIMA: **FOOD!

**FOOD GUY: **WHAT?

**MR. KOJIMA: **#2 at In 'N Out.

**MERYL: **Let's just get on with the scene.

**MR. KOJIMA: **"National Torture Day" rules!

**[**…**out to the Underground Passageway…****]**

**SNAKE: **[shiver] …uhh…

**MERYL: **Snake, watch out! There's claymore mines out here!

**SNAKE: **Uh-huh. Like there is any! [walks out…]

[claymores blow up]

**SNAKE: **[after falling on his ass in pain] OW! What the!?

**MERYL: **Told you, "Mr. I-Don't-Believe-You."

**SNAKE: **I HATE THIS "NATIONAL TORTURE DAY!!!"

*record scratches*

[glass shatters]

**ME: **[starts sniffling] …b-b-b-but… I-i-i-i-i-i t-t-thought…

**SNAKE: **So what?

**MERYL: **[elbows Snake]Snake! You idiot! "National Torture Day" is NOT over yet! Stubborn jackass!

**SNAKE: **[worriedly] …um, it… [gulp] …isn't?

**ME: **[still sniffling] Snake's gonna die. [grabs a radio] WOLF!!! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU!?!?!?

**WOLF (VO): **Yeah?

**ME: **Get Snake in your crosshairs and don't fire until I give the order! Got it?

**WOLF (VO): **Affirmative. Wolf out! [radio static]

**(Meanwhile, at Wolf's position**…**)**

**WOLF: **…heh, heh, heh… say "Goodnight," Snake…

**(**…**and back…**** …**man, why do I even do the "And back**…**" thing?)****

**ME: **Don't make me!

**SNAKE: **Well, I hate it! I mean, isn't there someone else you can torture… like her? [pushes Meryl in front of him]

**ME: **[all fast] NO! 

**SNAKE: **[evil grin]

**LIQUID: **[walks in w/ an evil grin]

**MANTIS: **[evil grin as well – although we can't see it]

**ME: **What's with the… grins…?

**SNAKE, LIQUID, MANTIS: **[make eye gestures referring to Meryl and me]

**ME: **[gets the picture] What the!? You guys actually think I _like Meryl? Are you insane? [to Meryl] Uh, no offense._

**MERYL: **[crosses her arms] None taken.

**ME: **I'm a freaking 14-year-old! She's… what? In her 20's? That obviously wouldn't look right, you goddamn hentais*!

(**A/N: Hentai is Japanese for "pervert")**

**MERYL: **Bastards! [slaps each of them – although Mantis "warped" away and forced Meryl to grab Snake's thermals]

**ME: **[…snaps… …again… …which is bad……very bad…]** You think I'm the type of guy every girl likes? Hell, no! I'm just an ordinary 14-year-old Freshman who writes stories like this, listens to video game music, has zero strength, can't last a second under a severe beatdown, suffers from a "disease" commonly know as "Insanity," and has a reputation of being an idiot! You think girls like that? Do ya'? HUH!?**

**SNAKE, LIQUID, MANTIS: **HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

**SNAKE: **Okay! I'll admit it! "National Torture Day" rocks!

**LIQUID: **Amen to that, dear brother!

**MANTIS: **[grabs his script, read ahead, drops it in sheer panic, and floats away to the comfort of his room]

**ME: **Wha-?

**SNAKE: **[to Liquid] Dude, he doesn't know!

**LIQUID: **HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

**ME: **How'd I get tortured?

**SNAKE: **Psychologically and emotionally.

**LIQUID: **You see, you stupid young chap, we made you write what's called "Self-Depreciating Humor." And to you bloody dumbasses in the bloody audience, that means he insulted himself. Bloody shitheads.

**ME: **ARGH! [grabs the radio] WOLF!

**WOLF (VO): **What?

**ME: **Forget Snake! Shoot whoever you see! NOW!

**WOLF (VO): **…but… what about you!?

**ME: **Don't worry. I'm being shielded be the electromagnetic thingy created by… THE PATRIOTS!!!

**WOLF (VO): **Well, that explains how you keep surviving… okay. Wolf out.

**(**…**mere seconds later…****)**

*bang*

**ME: **Oh, no.

*bang*

**SNAKE: **HUH!?

*bang*

**LIQUID: **Wolf's gone mad! Run! [runs away]

*bang*

**MERYL: **Huh?

*bang*

**MERYL: **[gets hit] AGH! I'm hit!

*bang*

**MERYL: **[hit again] UHNG! Again!

*bang*

**SNAKE: **Oh my God! She shot Meryl! [looks @ me] YOU BASTARD!

*bang*

**ME: **What!?

*bang*

**MERYL: **Josh! How… could you…!

*bang*

**ME: **[grabs the radio] WOLF! STOP!

[the gunfire _DOES NOT cease]_

**ALL: **AAH!

**(**…**two hours later…****)**

[the Earth is in total chaos]

**ME: **EVERYONE!!! STOP!!!

[…and all the king's horses & all the king's men stopped…]

**ME: **Okay… tally count. Who got tortured… [grabs a list and prepares to read that list of people that got tortured…]

[the list…]

**ME: **Duh. Beatdowns… "Self-Depreciating Humor…"

**SNAKE: **Claymores, _Playboy_, Wolf-Dogs

**MERYL: **Just got shot

**GENOME #91: **Dead…

**MANTIS: **…um… …don't know, don't care.

**ME: **Snake, for insulting my "National Torture Day," you shall have to go over the mountains, through the woods, under the tables, through the minefield, past the wolf-dogs, in-between the enemy Genomes, cross the trap holes, and slip past cameras just to grab a PSG1. Well, normally, I'd allow you to use the infamous 4th Dimension, but I closed it off. Ha-ha. Well, see ya'! [leaves]

**SNAKE: **WHAT!? [calls Campbell] Colonel! I can't do that!

**CAMPBELL****: Well, you gotta do it. Otherwise that Sniper Wolf centerfold blows up.**

**SNAKE: **DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU TO HELL, JOSH! [leaves]

**(**…**somewhere else…****)**

**ME: **[on the radio]Hello, "Insane-Behind-The-Scenes-Manipulator-Whose-Name-Will-Forever-Remain-Anonymous-Until-The-Plot-Screws-Up-Even-More!" This plotless story of mine has finally been updated! …yes, I got footage of Snake insulting me… It's all under wraps… …okay, it's not… but oh, well… MWAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!!!

Weird… Well, at least I got this up. Again, I am VERY SORRY about the long update.

**ANNOUNCEMENTS:**

**1.) MERRY CHRISTMAS!**

**2.) HAPPY NEW YEAR!**

**3.) SEE YA' IN 2004!**

**4.) DAMN THE PATRIOTS!**

Thanks for reading, and remember: Review!


	13. Chapter 12: Why BUYING A Sniper Rifle Is...

**HOW METAL GEAR SOLID REALLY HAPPENED**

By Josh D. Blanco

© 2004 Josh D. Blanco

Hey, everyone! Welcome to the New Year! Well, here's some of my regular announcements… and then Chapter 12!

**MANY THANKS TO ALL MY REVIEWERS OUT THERE!** From people like Shade Wolf, Riak Karasawa, and Pablosky, and to the others who read the PG Version of this story, like Ted Toss and NeoLives! I appreciate your kindness and suggestions. Also, Dragon Master's Mistress, if you're reading this, maraming salamat! It helped me a lot!

**THANKS TO HIDEO KOJIMA! **Hey, Metal Gear wouldn't even exist without him! But I want Metal Gear!

**METAL GEAR SOLID: THE TWIN SNAKES RELEASE PUSHED BACK! **First from last winter, to February 2nd. Now it's March 15th. Make up your mind, will ya?

**STORY STUFF:**

[action]

*noise*

_(thoughts)_

**DISCLAIMER:**

Metal Gear Solid and all the other games in the Metal Gear series is not mine. Everything else in this poor, dumb story that I didn't come up with ain't mine either.

**CHAPTER XII:**

**Why Buying a Sniper Rifle Is VERY EASIER Than FINDING ONE**

**NARRATOR: **On the last episode of How Metal Gear Solid Really Happened, Snake was forced to find a PSG-1 back in the Armory.

**SNAKE: **Josh is so gonna rot in hell.

**NARRATOR: **Wolf is just sitting there, bored…

[Cut to the Underground Passageway, where Wolf has just joined Raven and Ocelot's new Monopoly game and is playing for the first time…]

**WOLF: **Okay… so, how do you play?

**RAVEN: **Roll the dice…

[Wolf rolls a 39]

**OCELOT: **What the? How'd she do that?

**ME: **Simple. [shows Ocelot two 20-sided dice]

**OCELOT: **And she got…

**RAVEN: **Boardwalk!? But… but…

**WOLF: **Boardwalk? What's so special about it?

**ME: **Well, the objective is to be the richest person in the game. Boardwalk can be very expensive after a while.

**WOLF: **OKAY! I'll buy it!

**RAVEN & OCELOT: **NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

**NARRATOR: **…Meryl's just lying there, dying…

[cut to Meryl… who's not lying there dying…!?]

**MERYL: **Okay, Rex! Go get the stick! [hurls one over at the other side of the Passageway] Go get it, boy! Go!

**REX: **Arf! [zips off]

**NARRATOR: **…and Snake has to find a PSG1, but he doesn't even know where to start! Ha-ha!

[We now return to Snake… who's sitting down and looks like he's in extreme thought…]

**SNAKE: **Where to look? [calls Otacon]

%%%

**SNAKE: **Otacon? Otacon?

**OTACON: **Hey, Snake. What's up?

**SNAKE: **I need to find a sniper rifle. You know where to get one? Cause I really, _really_, really need one.

**OTACON: **Well, I'm not an authorized gun expert. I'll patch you through to another guy I know…

[the picture of Otacon switches to… ME!? COOL!!!]

**SNAKE: **Josh? _You're_ the weapons expert?

**ME: **Uh, yeah.

**SNAKE: **But what about Nastasha?

**ME: **Uh… that can be explained in How Metal Gear Solid 2 Really Happened by Josh D. Blanco. Something about divorce or something… gimme time to make it up. She'll be back, anyway, so it's not like it matters. 

**SNAKE: **But you're the author! Tell me what happens in MGS2!

**ME: **Um… okay.

**SNAKE: **[excitedly]You are?

**ME: **I was, but I CHANGED MY MIND!

**SNAKE: **Shit.

**ME: **Well, since I'm the weapons expert here… alright, what type of weapon or item?

**SNAKE: ?**

**ME: **[realizing that Snake is, once again, dumb] …or order…]

**SNAKE: **Er… a Big Mac, Super-sized fries, large Coke?

**ME: **Weapons! This ain't McDonald's!

**SNAKE: **Well, since you're the author, why don't you make one here? Right now?

**ME: **Well, I was, but since Pablosky, who was one of my first reviewers, said that he couldn't do Chapter 13 of this story, I decided to create it there.

**SNAKE: **Since when did Pablosky say that he couldn't write it? I don't see any evidence ANYWHERE! I even asked Otacon to hack into your Yahoo! account, but he found nothing!

**ME: **Check the reviews of the PG Version of this story.

**SNAKE: **You mean that one that's always at least two chapters behind this one and usually replaces the f-word with "Baka"? That crummy one?

**ME: **Hey! It ain't crummy! I made it so _ANYONE_ could read it. That way, people who have some sort of reason not to read PG-13 or higher stuff – both personal and parental – can read How Metal Gear Solid Really Happened.

**SNAKE: **Oh. Okay. Now back to the weapons… uh… I needed one of those long-range thingies… those ones that can reach several hundred yards…

**ME:** [bluntly] …you mean "sniper rifles".

**SNAKE: **Yep.

**ME: **Bolt-action or semi-automatic?

**SNAKE: **Uh…

**RANDOM PEOPLE READING THIS STORY WHO HAVE NO EDUCATION IN WEAPONS AND STUFF LIKE THAT: **Um…

**ME: ***sigh* Okay… okay… a bolt-action rifle requires you to manually insert the next bullet into the barrel. But I know you guys and girls. You're all lazy-asses. Don't get offended – I'm one too. Semi-automatics load the bullet by itself. The thing is, bolt-action snipers are usually the more accurate ones. I don't know why.

**SNAKE: **…uh, what's Wolf got?

**ME: **She has a PSG1. It stands for Prazisionsschutzengewehr, or, translated from German to English, Precision – Protection Gun. It's one of those semi-autos I've been talking about, created by the famous gun company Heckler & Koch.. It fires the 7.62x51mm NATO round, which comes in either 5- or 20-round magazines.

[Nastasha butts in]

**NASTASHA: **It is accurate enough to shoot cleanly through a 2.5 centimeter square from a distance of 100 meters.

**ME: **If you don't use the metric system, that's around 110 yards. Or 330 feet. Or 3,960 inches.

**SNAKE: **Whoa… Okay! I'll take one!

**NASTASHA: **But what about other sniper rifles? Like the other H&K sniper, the MSG-90?

**ME: **…or the suppressable SR-25?

**NASTASHA: **…or Dragunov's SVD?

**SNAKE: **Nah. I'll stick with the PSG1.

**ME: **[disenheartedly] …okay… …the pickup counter is at the second basement floor of the tank hangar…

**NASTASHA: **[also disenheartened] …have a nice day…

%%%

**SNAKE: **Okay… all I gotta do is walk over to the Armory to grab it, then I can save Meryl. [starts walking away…]

[two "masked" people drop down from the ceiling and hold Snake up with a USP and a Glock 18c]

**??? #1: **SNAKE! HANDS UP!

**SNAKE: **Not again!

**??? #2: **We're not letting ya' pass, bitch!

**SNAKE: **Huh!? …wait… [looks carefully at the two people…]

**??? #1: **_(Oh, shit. I left my beeper on. If Richard calls me, Snake'll know who I am!)_

**??? #2: **_(He better not be a mind-reader… CRAP! What if he is…? Um, hi? My name is not Josh. I repeat, it's NOT Josh.)_

**[A/N: **In case you haven't guessed already, ??? #1 is Nastasha and ??? #2 is me**]**

**SNAKE: **…um…

[the masks are really plastic Wal-Mart baggies with eye and mouth holes…]

**SNAKE: **I think I know you two…

**??? #2: **Uh, no you don't! Stay away from my mind!

**SNAKE: **Bob?

**??? #1: **Don't worry, we're not gonna-

**SNAKE: **Fox?

**??? #2: **[hissing quietly] Nastasha! Shut up! You'll blow our cover and we'll have to force him to use another sniper rifle some other time! Dammit!

**SNAKE: **…wait… …it's on the tip of my tongue…

**??? #1: **Why don't you, you stupid geek!

**SNAKE: **_(…if only there were some way I could figure out who these nutcases are… …at least one of them…)_

*beep-beep* *beep-beep* *beep-beep* *beep-beep* *beep-beep*

**??? #2: **_(Damn it all to hell!)_

**??? #1: **Huh? What

**SNAKE: **(_Thanks, God. That was fast._) Nastasha! I am NOT going to trade sniper rifles!

**NASTASHA: **Stupid beeper… [throws it on the wall and runs]

**SNAKE: **_(…now what about this guy?)_

**??? #2: **_(If Snake figures out who I am, then I'm gonna raise holy hell…)_

**SNAKE:** Josh? That you?

**ME: **[throws down mask] DAMN YOU TO HELL, SNAKE!!! [runs]

**SNAKE: **Oh, shit. If Josh just said "Damn you to hell," then I'm basically screwed. Oh, well. I might as well grab that PSG1…

**[sometime later in the ****Nuclear****Warhead****Storage****Building…**]****

**SNAKE: **Odd… it's so silent…

*cricket chirp*

**SNAKE: **It's like I'm about to…

[footsteps are heard]

**SNAKE: **What the-?

**GENOME #92: **FREEZE!

**SNAKE: **Damn…

**GENOME #92:** Say your prayers, Snake.

**SNAKE: ***sigh*

**GENOME #92: **You're about to die!

**SNAKE: **AAH!

*click*

**SNAKE: **Huh?

**GENOME #92: **What the-? I thought it was… oh, shit-

[Snake proceeds to place the guy in a chokehold, and snaps his neck]

**SNAKE: **Phew… [goes up the elevator]

**[Nuclear ****Warhead****Storage****Building**** – 1F: Warhead Storage]**

[sustained silence]

**SNAKE: **Again? This can't be good.

**GENOME #93: **¡Helada!

**SNAKE: **Huh?

**GENOME #93:** Diga sus rezos, Serpiente.

**SNAKE: **English, perhaps?

**GENOME #93:** ¡Usted está a punto de morir!

**SNAKE: **Um… should I be scared?

*click*

**SNAKE: **Again!?

**GENOME #93:** ¿Huh? ¿El arma es vacío?

**SNAKE:** Well, I guess I should snap your neck. [snaps]

[more silence]

**SNAKE: **Oh, great. What's next? Another foreign Genome?

**ME: **[pops outta nowhere] Well, it was gonna be a hot, sexy, naked woman, but your idea is better. Thanks! [leaves]

**SNAKE: **DAMN HIM TO HELL!

[silence]

**SNAKE: **I shouldn't have said that…

**GENOME #94: **Gel!

**SNAKE: **Great… just what I need… a Frenchman.

**GENOME #94: **Dites vos prières, Serpent.

**SNAKE: **Dude, your gun's empty. Don't even try.

**GENOME #94:** Vous êtes sur le point de mourir!

**SNAKE: **…well… I tried…

*click*

**GENOME #94:** Ce qui dans le monde?

**SNAKE: **Too bad. [snaps his neck and leaves]

**[Snow Field… or is it Canyon?]**

**SNAKE: **Who's next? Oh, wait… no one's here. Oh well.

**GENOME #95: **[outta nowhere] Frost!

**SNAKE: **Not again!

**GENOME #95: **Sagen sie ihre gebete, Schlange.

**SNAKE: **Uh… could you repeat that?

**GENOME #95: **SieSIND im Begriff zu sterben!

**SNAKE: **Ten bucks says it's empty.

*click*

**SNAKE: **All right, cough it up.

**GENOME #95: **Dieses sollte nicht geschehen!

**SNAKE: **No money? Oh, well. [snaps his neck and moves on]

**[Tank Hangar – 1F: Tank Garage]**

**SNAKE: ***sigh* …anytime now…

[Genome #96 drops down]

**GENOME #96:** Замораживание!

**SNAKE: **Now _THAT'S_ something I DON'T understand.

**GENOME**** #96: Скажите ваши молитвы, Змейка.**

**SNAKE: **¿Puede usted hablar inglés?

**GENOME**** #96: Вы должны около умереть!**

*click*

**SNAKE: **That's it. He's gonna die.

**GENOME #96: **Дорогой Бог, нет!

**SNAKE: **[after snapping the guy's neck] Where to?

**GENOME #97:** Vorst!

**SNAKE: **Oh, God, not another one.

**GENOME #97: **Zeg uw gebeden, Slang.

**SNAKE: **Hmm…[Otacon calls]

%%%

**OTACON: **Snake, watch out!

**SNAKE: **For what?

**OTACON: **The Genome…

**SNAKE: **Oh.

[silence]

**SNAKE: **Well, I'll make a bet. If I get killed, I'll let you keep that Sniper Wolf centerfold I got.

**OTACON: **And if you live…?

**SNAKE: **…uh, I'll take one of those Hentai DVD's of yours.

**OTACON: **Okay. Uh, I mean, hold up-!

%%%

**SNAKE: **Sucker.

**GENOME #97: **U staat te sterven op het punt!

**SNAKE: **_(Which DVD should I get?)_

**GENOME #97: **Wat!? Mijn kanon is leeg?

**SNAKE: **Ah, who cares? [grabs the guy, snaps his neck and goes to the elevator] Hmm… I wonder how that Monopoly game is going… …I hope Wolf's winning…

**[Underground Passageway – The Monopoly Game]**

**WOLF: **[rolls] A four… ooh! Community Service! Ocelot!

**OCELOT: ***grumble* [grabs the top card and reads it] Ahem! "You have won a beauty contest. All other players must give you $10." Dammit! Not again! [forks $10 over]

**WOLF: **[smile] Beginner's luck, I suppose.

**RAVEN: **[after coughing up the cash] No. You are mistaken… this is not luck… [points to an enormous pile of Monopoly money – all Wolf's] …this is pure talent and skill!

**WOLF: **Hey, don't blame me. Who's next? Oh, yeah, Ocelot.

**ME: **_(Unfortunately, Raven was right… that is__ pure talent and skill… my__ pure PSYCHIC__ talent and skill… MWAH-HAH-HAH!)_

**OCELOT: **Come on, doubles! [rolls two 4's] Whoo-hoo! I rule!

**RAVEN: **[stifled laugh]

**OCELOT: **What's so funny?

**WOLF: **Oh, nothing… *cough* …loser! *cough*

**OCELOT: **Huh? [looks at the board and realizes…]

**RAVEN & WOLF: **HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

**OCELOT: "**GO TO JAIL"!? NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

**[Tank Hangar – B2F: Armory]**

[elevator doors open]

**SNAKE:** Well, I'm guessing Genomes #11 and #12 are hanging out here. I mean, with those posters…

**GENOME #12: **[from the other side]** Hell, yeah!**

**GENOME #11:** [same thing] Damn straight, Snake!

**GENOME #98:** [walks up to him pointing his FAMAS] Freeze!

**GENOME #11: **Huh?

**GENOME #12: **I thought we were the only guys on this floor!

**GENOME #98: ** Dica le vostre preghiere, Serpente**.**

**SNAKE: **What the-!!! 

**GENOME #12: **Oh, shit! Snake! Get outta there!

**SNAKE: **This guy sounds serious… I don't wanna die!

**GENOME #98: **Troppo difettoso. Siete!

**GENOME #11: **NOO!

**GENOME #12: **NOO!

**SNAKE: **NOO!

*click*

**ME: **Some repeated anti-climax.

**GENOME #98: **Che cosa? Nessun ammo?

**SNAKE: **HAH! [shoots his SOCOM… but misses…]

**GENOME #12: **Holy fucking shit! #11! You see that!? He missed! Snake missed!

**SNAKE: **[just standing there with his jaw on the floor]

**GENOME #11: **Oh, my God! It's Apocalypse! [runs in terror]

**GENOME #98: **[while running off to the elevator]** Eravate fortunati! Verremo a contatto di ancora!**

*ding!*

**SNAKE: **…I… …I… …I mi-mi-missed…

**GENOME #11: **Hey, we all got our good days and bad days. Like, there was this one time where I walked into this one store, and they were fresh out of bacon… *sniff* WAAAHHH!!!

**SNAKE: **Man, that really sucks. By the way, you guys know where I can find a PSG-1?

**GENOME #12: **Uh, well, you're in luck. Nastasha said that she left it inside… um… [walks over to the "PSG-1 Room"] …right here. You got Card 5?

**SNAKE: **Uh, hold on… [calls Josh]

%%%

**ME: **Yo!

**SNAKE: **I don't have Card 5! Could you give me a hand?

**ME: **Um… hold on…

**[Tank Hangar – B1F: Torture Room]**

**LIQUID: **Ocelot, is… …"IT"… ready?

**OCELOT: **[holds up left hand as a gesture of saying nope] I still need to type some stuff.

**LIQUID: **OK.

**OCELOT: **I'll just hit the "Enter" key with my right hand… [looks at his right hand, but there is no right hand] AAH!

**LIQUID: **Bloody hell! [grabs the camera and looks at it] Literally, "Bloody hell"! LOOK!

[He points to where Ocelot's hand was. It's oozing blood!]

**[Tank Hangar – B2F: Armory]**

[a bloody hand suddenly falls from the ceiling]

**SNAKE: **Holy shit!

**GENOME #12: **Sick! [faints]

**GENOME #11: **[looks at #12] Heart of a lion, this one.

**SNAKE: **Hey… what's that? [picks up the hand, which is holding…] Cool! Card 5! Thanks, Josh!

**ME: **Anytime. [goes back to his SOCOM game on his PS2…] NO! Bravo, I told you to HOLD FIRE! Dammit, you just killed the hostages! Stupid frag grenades! Damn the Patriots!

%%%

**GENOME #11: **Man, this is weird…

**SNAKE: **So? I got Card 5!

**GENOME #11: **Well, it's in there. See ya' in a bit.

**SNAKE: **Okay. [opens the door and sees the PSG-1 case] Neat. [picks it up] Man, I gotta learn how to-

[the door opens, revealing _YET ANOTHER_ Genome]

**SNAKE: **_(Josh!!! What the fuck gives?)_

**GENOME #99: **Huwag kang gagalaw!

**SNAKE: **Um… #11? #12? [peers outside, seeing #11, tranquilized, and #12, still unconscious] Dammit. Just when the Genomes get on your side, they become useless again. How – what's the word - gay. [calls Josh yet again]

%%%

**ME: **Take that, random terrorist guy who I just murdered in cold blood! Ha! [sees Snake on Codec] Shit, no! I mean, hi.

**SNAKE: **Um… help?

**ME: **Card 6?

**SNAKE: **No.

**ME: **Wolf centerfold destroyed?

**SNAKE: **No.

**ME: **Then what?

**SNAKE: **I'm being held up!

**ME: **You really need my assistance?

**SNAKE: **Um… [gulps] …yes?

**ME: **[heavily sighs, rolls eyes, and wishes Snake would shut up] AUGH! Okay. I'll send backup. Just… just… run!

%%%

**SNAKE: **[thinks fast] _(Okay, Snake. Josh said for you to run. So, what do cartoon characters do in situations like this one? Hmm… __Eureka__! I got it!) Hey! [points to some random location behind Genome #99] A noise over there!_

**GENOME #99: **[looks] Huh?

**SNAKE: **[zips away] YOINK!

**GENOME: **[realizes that it was a trick]Grr… [tackles Snake]

**SNAKE: **What the - ouch! [hits a wall]

**GENOME #99: **[points FAMAS at Snake] Saan ka papunta?

**SNAKE: **[gets up]Huh? What did you say?

**GENOME #99: **Mag dasal ka na, Snake. Mamamatay ka na!

*click*

**SNAKE: **Oh, yeah… I forgot about that!

**GENOME #99: **[dumps the FAMAS and pulls out a lethal kendo]

**SNAKE: **Goddammit, Josh, where the hell is my backup!?!?!?

**ME: **Right here! [grabs an M9 and shoots #99…]

**[Sometime Later in the Armory**…**]**

**GENOME #99: **[wakes up] Uhng…

**GENOMES #11 & #12: **[point guns at #99]FREEZE!!!

**ME: **_(Wait… I think I forgot something that I was supposed to do… …like "Cameo Appearance Day" or something…)_

**GENOME #99:** [holds hands up in fear]

**SNAKE: **[evilly grins] DIE! [points SOCOM]

**GENOME #99: **Ayaw ko pa mamatay!!!

**ME: **HOLD EVERYTHING! I remember now! In every chapter, it's "Random Cameo Appearance" Day! I simply take a random reviewer and somehow get them into the story! Problem is, I forgot who the random person was… damn the short-term memory… and damn the Patriots!

**SNAKE: **[flips the safety on and puts the gun away] So, you're saying that this Genome is a reviewer?

**ME: **[bluntly, as usual] Uh, yeah.

**GENOME #12: **So, how could you tell that this Genome [referring to #99] is one of your reviewers?

**ME: **Well, for one, I know some Tagalog.

**GENOME #11: **"Taga"-what?

**ME: **TAGALOG! It's a major language of the Philippines.

**SNAKE: **What, you speak it?

**ME: **Uh, no. I kinda lost the language.

**MANTIS: **[just appears] Fucking idiot! 

**ME: **Hey, remember what happened the last time you called me a fucking idiot?

**MANTIS: **[cringes, but with that mask, who cares?]Oh, yeah… you told Snake to throw a frag grenade at my balls, right?

**ME: **[smiles happily] Yep! Anyway, I think I might be able to translate…

**SNAKE: **Okay… [talks to Genome #99] What's your name?

**ME: **[thinking] …um…Ano po ang pangalan nila?

**GENOME #99: **Ako si Angelica.

**ME: **Aha! I know you now! Dragon Master's Mistress, welcome to the set of How Metal Gear Solid Really Happened! Hold up… since when did this story become a movie? Well, anyway, to keep the story… movie – whatever! - …um… Kumusta?

**DMM: **Uh, I'm okay.

**ME: **Good. That's all I need to know.

**SNAKE: **For me, it ain't. First off, tell me what S3 stands for.

**DMM: **Um… since I'm a fangirl… um…

**OTACON: **[walks in]Anyone in certain animés, perhaps?

**SNAKE: **Otacon! No helping! 

**DMM: **Sano, Seto, Snake?

**SNAKE**: [makes buzzer sound] Wrong. It's-

*crash*

[the walls broke. What?]

**SOLIDUS: **It stands for "Solid Snake Simulation", an exercise regimen that can shape any individual into Solid Snake, the perfect soldier.

**ME: **Wrong! It's "Selection for Societal Sanity" – which is what the Patriots are! Dumbasses!

**SNAKE: **Somehow I get the feeling all of us are in the wrong storyline. Who cares?

**DMM: **Um… don't you guys have to continue this story?

**SNAKE: **Maybe. Reason why it takes so long is that either Josh is an idiot, or he's a lazy ass.

**SOLIDUS: **[jabs Snake] Fool! That's what the Patriots want you to think. In reality he's dead.

**ME: **That does NOT make sense at all. How the hell am I dead if I'm here, and I'm writing this at home?

**OTACON: **'Cause Solidus is an idiot. Now come on, let's just work on getting this chapter done with. I want my paycheck so I can buy more Hentai DVD's!

**SNAKE: **Screw that. I'll buy another copy of Girls Gone Wild: MGS Style.

**SOLIDUS: **In four years,I'll hijack – er, take – um, borrow – yeah, _BORROW_… um… the Patriots – eh, some top-secret organization – uh, a friend's – yep, a _FRIEND'S Arsenal Gear – no, Metal Gear – nope, bicycle – yup, _BIKE_ for an "Anti-Patriot Assault" – naw, a protest – nah, a demonstration – uh-huh, a __DEMONSTRATION. Yep…_

**GENOME #11:** _Right_…

**DDM: **I need to work on my fan-fics and stuff.

**GENOME #12: **Anyone got money for the camera?

**ME: **Ah, screw this. I'm getting this chapter over with.

**SNAKE: **HUH!? So soon?

**ME: **Well, let's just say that Chapter 13 will be, um, entertaining. Although ridiculously stupid… and that I'll need time to write it up. Okay, everyone, to the Underground Passageway!

**[Underground Passageway – Monopoly Game]**

**WOLF: **YEAH! I WIN!

**RAVEN:** Damn Boardwalk! WWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

**OCELOT: **So that leaves me and Raven bankrupt, and Wolf with $182,851,354.83 in Monopoly money. Shit.

**RAVEN: **I hope you have your most valued possessions with you in your lockers.

**WOLF: **What for?

**RAVEN: **Liquid and his stupid TV show… you don't wanna know.

**WOLF: **Well, I might as well go back to my-

*BANG*

**WOLF: **AAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH! [shot in the head, dead]

**SNAKE: **Whoo-hoo!

**OTACON: **…Wolf? *sniff*

**DMM: **Yay! I told you he could kill her in one shot! Pay up, Mantis! Now… all my $20!

**MANTIS: **Jeez! Okay!

**SNAKE: **Now all we gotta do is check the body… [walks up to an empty spot] Damn… déjà vu.

**WOLF: **Freeze!

**SNAKE: **Aw, damn.

**WOLF: **You shot me, so I shoot you… heh, heh, heh…

**ALL: **GASP!

**WOLF: **HAH!

*click*

**SNAKE: **What the hell is wrong with all the weapons?

**WOLF: **Dunno, but, here. I'll rifle butt you!

*smack*

**SNAKE: **Ow… my head huts… but I don't think it's concrete. More like Otacon's office… soft, cuddly-

**MANTIS: **The 100% Cotton Floor?

**SNAKE: **No. They used 100% _polyester_ here. See, there's a difference. Cotton. Polyester. See it?

**WOLF: **Explains why there's patches all over the place.

**OTACON:** [slowly walks up to Wolfw/ a bunch of roses] Um… hi, Wolf. How's it going?

**WOLF: **Oh, hey, Hal! It's all good.

**DDM: **This isn't polyester, Snake. More like… 100% nylon?

**SOLIDUS: **No, it's really 100% silk!

**ME: **SHUT UP! How about it's 25% cotton, 25% polyester, 25% nylon, and 25% silk? We can call it… um… what's a good name… …how about "100% Polycottonylosilk"?

**ALL: **Sure!

**OTACON: **Um, Wolf? Uh… I'm wondering… if you aren't busy this Friday… um… would you like to-

**WOLF: **Sorry, but I got plans with Liquid already. _(Phew… another escaped Otaku Convention…)_

**OTACON:** Oh… okay… [mopes away] _(Damn… I was gonna take her out to some Japanese restaurant. Hey, I got coupons! Yay!)_

**WOLF: **Snake, I'm sorry, but Liquid told me to do this… [rams him w/ her PSG1]

**SNAKE: **Pretty polyethenolic silky stars… …uhng… [falls unconscious for… who knows?]

**[SOMEWHERE ELSE]**

**LIQUID: **[on a phone] …yes… it's another Survivor show… …yes, I'm aware that people have seen too much of it… …no one bloody cares… so… …you mean I can do it? YAY! Thanks. [hangs up] This is gonna be fun! MWAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!!!

**Chapter 12 Over**

**Post-Story Announcements:**

**1.) Previews for Chapters 13, 14, and 15? **Well, in **Chapter 13**, Snake will be in the torture room, make his escape, and fight his way through Communications Tower A. Yes, Liquid will torture Snake… bloody dipshit…

**Chapter 14** will focus on the Hind-D scenario and, well, the "Pre-Survivor Show."

**Chapter 15** will be the boss fight between Wolf and Snake. What's so special about this chapter? **SURVIVOR!!! **Yes, the MGS cast, along with random people who read and review (hopefully, you), will be thrown in… well… insanity. To get a chance of "entering", simply post a review, or e-mail me. And include the following:

**a. The single item you are going to bring**

**b. State if you want Meryl to live or die**

It's gonna be weird. It's gonna be psychopathically insane. It's gonna be… well, weird. Well, here's who's participating (so far, I got 20 out of 30 people):

**1.) **Solid Snake

**2.) **Liquid Snake

**3.) **Solidus Snake

**4.) **Otacon

**5.) **Psycho Mantis

**6.) **Sniper Wolf

**7.) **Colonel Campbell

**8.) **Dr. Naomi Hunter

**9.) **Mei Ling

**10.) **Nastasha Romanenko

**11.) **Cyborg Ninja

**12.) **Genome #11

**13.) **Vulcan Raven

**14.) **Revolver Ocelot

**15.) **Genome #12

**16.) **Genome #99 (Dragon Master's Mistress)

**17.) **Josh D. Blanco (ME! DUH!)

**18.) **Shade Wolf

**19.) **Riak Karasawa

**20.) **Pablosky

**21.) ** 

**22.) ** 

**23.) ** 

**24.) ** 

**25.) ** 

**26.) ** 

**27.) ** 

**28.) ** 

**29.) ** 

**30.) ** 

There are **10 spots left. Hurry before you miss it!**

**2.) CAMEO APPEARANCE WINNERS FOR CHAPTER 13:**

**Shade Wolf**

**Riak Karasawa**

**Pablosky**

Why these three people? Uh, well, as of January 06, 2004, HMGSRH only has 12 reviews. 1 got lost, but it was from me. Who cares… so we're down to 11. And then there's the PG Version of this story, which has 7 (actually, 5, since Pablosky somehow got one of his reviews posted three times). Well, Riak was the one who gave me the most (4 reviews), followed by Pablosky (who sent 3 – I'm not counting those copies!). And what about Shade Wolf? Although he didn't send lots of reviews, he was my VERY FIRST REVIEWER! YAY!

[cut to a large cake, with the words, "1st Reviewer" on it]

See? Perks! As you already know, these three have already been automatically "entered" in the Survivor Challenge in Chapter 15. But their roles in Chapter 13? Who knows? Maybe they'll assist Snake in his escape. Maybe they'll try to steal Otacon's DVD's, or that Girls Gone Wild: MGS Style DVD… we'll just have to find out.

**3.) C'MON**…** REVIEW!** Okay, okay… I'm begging. Just review, please?


	14. Chapter 12 And A Half: The Controversy O...

**HOW METAL GEAR SOLID REALLY HAPPENED**

By Josh D. Blanco

© 2004 Josh D. Blanco

Well, this is Chapter 12.5 – something to either clear up madness or make it worse. Better not be the latter. Anyway… read on to find out what went wrong in this story. Please do no sue me; it is only an accidental mistake. I apologize to all who are involved.

**STORY STUFF:**

[action]

**(A/N)**

*noise*

_(thought)_

_[translation]_

**DISCLAIMER:**

I will never own the Metal Gear series. Unless I kidnap Hideo Kojima and threaten him! But I'm a 14-year-old; there's other things I gotta do in life… …ooh! Let's hire the Patriots!

**Chapter XII AND A HALF:**

**The Controversy of Genome #99**

[we now end up in one of those rooms used in 60 Minutes]

[insert music heard in your local TV News Station whenever a "Breaking News" headline is heard, with Solidus on…]

**SOLIDUS: **Good morning. Or evening. Or day. Or afternoon. This is 60 and a Half Seconds, the only news program with shocking, but non-controversial headlines… I think. Anyway, I'm George Sears, the 43rd President of the United States. Right now, I'm sitting in for (Insert Random Newscaster Name Here) and we have a startling controversy. As you are aware, the story How Metal Gear Solid Really Happened by Josh D. Blanco is a success. Even though he doesn't have many fans, he still is able to make them keep reading for more – whether it is the humor, the funnies, or the comedy. As proof, here is a short comment from one of his fans, Shade Wolf.

[a quick video clip of Shade Wolf being interviewed is shown on the screen]

**SHADE WOLF: **Hey! This ain't my Chapter 13 cameo appearance I was promised! I'm suing for false advertisement!

[screen abruptly pauses]

**SOLIDUS (VO): **Um… wrong clip… heh…

[another video clip of Shade Wolf]

**SHADE: **I love this story! Josh gave me free cake! [holds up a cake slice from Chapter 12] See? He's cool!

**SOLIDUS: **…then again, it could be the cake. Anyhow, let's continue. Josh has been charged with the murder of one of his reviewers.

**EVERYONE AT HOME: ***GASP!!!*

**SOLIDUS: **[grimly] …yes… …here is the person who found this out, GhostStalker1328. GhostStalker1328, welcome to 60 and a Half Seconds.

**GHOSTSTALKER1328: **Hi.

**SOLIDUS: **So, tell us what you have uncovered.

**GHOSTSTALKER1328: **Well, I was reading How Metal Gear Solid Really Happened. When I was reviewing it, I realized he killed someone earlier in the story who appeared later. So I wrote it down on the review.

**SOLIDUS: **Hmm… seems serious. Do you have a copy of what you wrote down?

**GHOSTSTALKER1328: **Yes. Here. [hands over a piece of paper to Solidus]
    
    **SOLIDUS: **Hmm… [reads it] **(A/N: This is his actual review****)**
    
    *sees Genome #99's head being crushed in the elevator door in chapter 
    
    2* wait a sec... you killed one of your reviewers?!?! 
    
    ...
    
    um... please continue the story! this rules!
    
    (for survivor I would bring a H.F Blade or a Manga book.*prefers the 

first one* And Meryl should live (and die some few seconds later :P))

**EVERYONE AT HOME: ***GASP!!!*

**SOLIDUS:** So, who was this Genome #99? This person was known as Dragon Master's Mistress. [a phone rings, and Solidus answers] Yeah? Huh? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That's impossible! You've gotta be – oh, shit. [puts hand over receiver and talks to camera] Um… folks, I just received a phone call from a girl who's calling herself "Angelica" –

**VOICE ON PHONE: **[yelling] IT'S GELI!

**SOLIDUS: **[slightly cringes] Anyway, I just got a call from a girl named Geli, and she says she's Dragon Master's Mistress. [snickers] Um, miss? I'm afraid you're mistaken. You can't be her. She was killed. Read the paper.

**GELI (VO): **I'M NOT DEAD! SEE!? [walks in the set holding a cell phone in her hand] Watch this, Solidus. [logs in to her FF.net account on the PC in front of him]

**SOLIDUS: **Jesus Christ… she's ALIVE!

**EVERYONE AT HOME: **YAY!!!

**GELI: **SEE!?

**GHOSTSTALKER1328: **But this defies all logic! Look… [finds How Metal Gear Solid Really Happened on the PC] …here's "Chapter 12: Why BUYING a Sniper Is VERY EASIER Than BUYING One", where Snake found you when you were disguised as Genome #99. [reads it] **(A/N: This is official "Archival" footage of Chapter 12. Wait… It says "Confidential" on the side… …how the _hell did they get that!?!?!? SECURITY!!!_****)**

**SNAKE: **Okay… [talks to Genome #99] What's your name?

**ME: **[thinking] …um…Ano po ang pangalan nila?

**GENOME #99: **Ako si Angelica.

**ME: **Aha! I know you now! Dragon Master's Mistress, welcome to the set of How Metal Gear Solid Really Happened!

**EVERYONE AT HOME: **OOH…

**GELI: **…yeah…

**SOLIDUS: **[excited with the "footage"] …AND?

**GHOSTSTALKER1328: **Now let's go to "Chapter 2: The Welcome Dance Party… …For No Reason". Read this segment. **(A/N: **NO!DAMMIT! How do they get this stuff!? …um, I mean, this is straight from Chapter 2. WHERE THE HELL IS SECURITY!?!?!?**)**

**GENOME #99: **Hi. I come in way later in the game, so you can't kill me yet for no reason.

**SNAKE: **_Uh-huh…_

[elevator closes, but not before it crushes #99's skull… clearly for no reason… of course.]

**SNAKE: **Ha-ha.

**EVERYONE AT HOME: ***GASP!!!*

**SOLIDUS: **Oh, dear. This is shocking.

**GELI: **[sad] Yeah…

**SOLIDUS: **What are you gonna do?

**GELI: **[pulls out a kendo sword] Slice him in half!!!

**GHOSTSTALKER1328: **YEAH!!! [grabs the H.F. Blade]

[the two armed writers run off in search of my head…]

**SOLIDUS: **Well, we just received word that officials have apprehended Josh. He is now in a courtroom, awaiting trial…

[footage now goes to a courtroom…]

**BAILIFF: **[is actually Johnny Sasaki] Order! All rise!

[everyone rises as the "judge" comes out]

**CAMPBELL: **Thanks. You may be seated.

[everyone sits]

**JOHNNY: **[hands the case papers to Campbell] Hard case. 14-year-old accused of murder.

**CAMPBELL: **[drops jaw in shock] No shit!

**JOHNNY: **Tell me about… did you just say, "shit"?

**CAMPBELL: **Um… yeah…?

**JOHNNY: **[stomach growls in pain] NO! [grabs his butt and runs for the exit] NOT AGAIN!

**CAMPBELL: **Now, let's start… [looks around] What the-!? Where's the plaintiff?

[Geli runs in]

**GELI: **Here!

**CAMPBELL: **Oh, good. Now, Geli, you are accusing this guy of what, exactly?

**GELI: **He murdered me! [pouts and points]

**CAMPBELL: **And, um, would the defendant like to say something about this comment?

**ME: **[makes a shocked nod] _(Crap… Otacon's my _LAWYER?_)_

**OTACON: **Yep… he'd like to say something.

**ME: **[stands] I DID NOT MEAN TO!

**CAMPBELL: **[bangs the gavel, which breaks it] SILENCE! Right now, all I know is this: Geli was killed, and Josh D. Blanco is a murderer. Uh, Geli, who is representing you as your lawyer?

[at the moment, she has no lawyer]

**GELI: **Um… [pulls Snake over] …he's my lawyer!

**SNAKE: **_(Oh, dear God… not again!)_

**CAMPBELL: **Let's start with the witnesses.

**OTACON: **[yells] OBJECTION!!!

**AUDIENCE: ***GASP!*

**CAMPBELL: **What?

**OTACON:** What good is a witness if there's no one to talk to? [points to the jury stand, which is empty]

**CAMPBELL: **Oh, for the love of… JURY!

[Wolf, Mantis, Shade Wolf, Genome #12, Liquid, Pablosky, Ocelot, a monkey, Riak Karasawa, Raven, Super Chibi Blender Man, Solidus, and MasterFruitCake walk in from side door]

**WOLF: **Sorry we're late.

**SHADE: **Goddamn traffic.

**OCELOT: **Yup. Traffic.

**OTACON: **Traffic in a _court house?_

**RAVEN: **Um… 

**CAMPBELL: **Sit down!

[jury sits]

**CAMPBELL: **Well, Snake, who's the first witness?

**GELI: **[raises hand] Moi.

[Johnny emerges from the bathroom and picks up the bible]

**JOHNNY: **Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? Man this bailiff stuff rules!

**GELI: **Um… yeah?

**JOHNNY: **Good. [stomach growls] Oh, not again! [runs off]

**SNAKE: **Okay, what's your name?

**MANTIS: **[from the jury stand]We know her name already.

**SNAKE: **Who the hell cares?

**GELI: ***sniff* I care. *sniff*

**SNAKE: **_(Stupid fangirlism!) Okay, okay… so, what's your – dammit, Mantis! Get down! – what's your name?_

**GELI: **Angelica.

**SNAKE: **And why are you here?

**GELI: **'Cause you are so cool! [jumps out of witness stand and hugs Snake]

**SNAKE: **HELP!

**SETO KAIBA: **[stands up from the crowd] Snake, she does that to me in her fanfics. As long as she's in Josh's fic, you're gonna have to bear with it.

**SNAKE: **HUH!? [calls Josh via Codec]

%%%

**SNAKE: **JOSH! Please, _oh please, get her away from me!_

**ME: **Name it.

**SNAKE: **Huh?

**ME: **Y'know… dinero?

**SNAKE: **[insert quizzical look]

**ME: **_(I forgot… …stupidity…) …yen, euro, dolares… any of it ringing a bell?_

**SNAKE: **Huh…

**ME: **AUGH! MONEY!!!

**SNAKE: **…oh! Well… [pulls out his wallet] …I got $5.48 and my $20 Gift Card in Victoria's Secret.

**ME: **Nope. Not enough to bribe me. How about that Sniper Wolf centerfold you got?

**SNAKE: **NO! [hangs up]

%%%

**SNAKE: ***sigh* Okay… let's start over. Your name's Angelica and… why are you here?

**GELI: **Because he [points to Josh] murdered me!

**CAMPBELL: **But that doesn't make sense! You're right here!

**GELI: ***sigh* Snake, get someone else on.

**SNAKE: **Okay. [jerks thumb back, signaling for Geli to go back] I now call on… GhostStalker1328! Ghost!

[GhostStalker1328 is nowhere in sight]

**SNAKE: **DAMMIT! DAMN IT ALL TO HELL! _(Oh, shit… please don't tell me I just said that.)_

**CAMPBELL: **…did he say what I think he just said?

**OTACON: **_(Well, this case should end soon now… NO! IT'S 5:00 in the evening! I missed my Sailor Moon Hentai show!)_

**ME: **Okay, can I go up now? I've got anxious readers waiting for Chapter 13. So, can I?

**CAMPBELL: **Hmm…

**ME: **Shit, I nearly forgot… _I'M_ the author! This is my story, so I'll do what I want! I want to be on the witness stand. [walks up to the witness stand]

**OTACON: **[to Snake, discreetly] …psst! Snake! Where's your other witness?

**SNAKE: **[shrugs] Dunno.

**[**…**Meanwhile, back at Shadow Moses…****]**

*BOOM!!!*

[apparently the tank hangar is in flames]

[insert sounds of panic here]

**GENOME #102: **Oh, my God! Run! AGH! [gets sliced in half]

**GHOSTSTALKER1328: **HAHA! That's right! Run, you fools! Run and FEAR ME! [whips out the High-Frequency Blade and jumps in front of a fleeing Genome #101]

**GENOME #101: **Oh, no! NO! [starts firing his FAMAS]

[GhostStalker1328 jumps over him, does a sweeping drop kick, and slices the idiot in half]

**GHOSTSTALKER1328:** HA! Who's next???

**GENOMES #103 – 109: **AAH!

**[**…**Back to the Courthouse]**

**SNAKE: **I'll have to ask, Otacon.

**OTACON: **Yeah. Well, I gotta do my lawyer stuff. [goes to front] So, what's your name?

**ME: **Josh D. Blanco.

**OTACON: **How old are ya'?

**ME: **14. Who cares about age? Age doesn't matter in this ridiculous excuse for a court system!

**SOLIDUS: **That's what the Patriots _want_ you to think!!!

**CROWD: ***GASP!*

**SNAKE: **OBJECTION! Your Honor, the jury isn't allowed to speak! You hear me, Roy!?

**CAMPBELL: **Yeah. 

**OTACON: **And what are - I mean… what is your social status?

**ME: **Uh… I'm a 14-year-old Freshman who writes stories for a "living," would rather _not go to school but goes anyway for the sake of the future, is an amateur duelist, and a lazy-ass. Well… is that a good summary of my life as it is?_

**CAMPBELL: **Yep.

**OTACON: **Josh, you _do know what you're being accused of, right? This is a serious offense that you've committed._

**ME: **I got a reasonable explanation for this! I have a bad case of short-term memory! Don't believe me? Well, go ask any of my buddies at Oxnard High School!

**WOLF: **Yeah! Let's go!

**CAMPBELL: **Haven't I told you damn ingrates that the jury is NOT supposed to talk!?!?!?

**SOLIDUS: **[stands up – again… dear God, what now!?]That's what the Patriots want you to think, you stupid fool!!!

**MANTIS: **[also stands] Forget the stupid Patriot thing! I've had it up to here with the fucking Patriots! [puts hand over head] Do ya' fucking understand me!?

**SUPER CHIBI BLENDER MAN: **I do! Just shut up, Solidus!

**THE MONKEY: **Ooh-oh-ah-oh-oh-ah-aah! Ah-ooh-ee-aah-aa-ooh! _[Translation: Damn straight! Just shut the fuck up!]_

**SHADE WOLF: **Okay, let's do what Josh just said. That way, we'll see if he's innocent, _AND anyone here who's a reviewer if this fic can get more screen time! Let's go!_

**RIAK KARASAWA: **Sweet! A free, all-expenses paid trip to Hawaii!? Awesome!

**MASTER FRUIT CAKE: **Okay!

**WOLF: **I'm in!

**REST of JURY: **[sounds of agreement]

**ME: ***groan* It's not Hawaii!

[tires screech as time suddenly "freezes"]

**RIAK KARASAWA: **…you… …you mean…

**RAVEN: **…there's no girls?

**LIQUID: **…where we're going?

**ME: **Nope. We're talking about high crime rate, strawberry fields, and an intense urge to get a good place to live.

**JURY: **Oh. 

**RAVEN:** See ya guys.

**JURY: **[leaves]

**ME: **Just watch. That jury will believe me.

**[Somewhere later out onboard a Boeing 747]**

**THE MONKEY: **Ee-ooh-eh-ah-aah-oh-ooh-ooh-ah! _[From now on, you must now refer to me as: "A Monkey Named Bob"!] _

**LIQUID: **[has quizzical look on face] Um, what did he just say? Does anyone here speak monkey?

**GENOME #12:** [runs up]** I majored in Monkey-Speak in the University of Delta Force 101! Um, so what did he say?**

**LIQUID: **It sounded like: "Ee-oh-ee-aah-ahh-ooh-ooh-ah-aah".

**A MONKEY NAMED BOB: **[shakes head as if to say "no"] AAH! OH-OOH-AAH! Oh-eh: "ee-ooh-eh-ah-aah-oh-ooh-ooh-ah"! _[NO! YOU DUMBASS! I said "From now on, you must now refer to me as: A Monkey Named Bob"!]_

**(A/N: **Look carefully at what he said and what Liquid thought he said… …there _IS a difference…**)**_

**GENOME #12: **Uh… it was, "From now on, you must refer to me as "A Monkey Named Bob."

**A MONKEY NAMED BOB:** Oh-eh-aah-aah-ooh-eh-eh-oh-eh! _[Piece of shit!] [slaps Liquid on the face]_

**LIQUID: **Why, I oughta- [starts to reach for his pistol-]

**A MONKEY NAMED BOB: **[pulls out a FAMAS from the overhead storage bin] Ah-ee-ooh-ooh-ah! _[Don't even try it.]_

**LIQUID: **…okay… …I won't.

**[**…**72 hours and several in-flight movies later…****]**

**WOLF: **[sleeping]

**RAVEN: **[reading Rainbow Six by Tom Clancy]

**SHADE WOLF: **When the hell are we gonna be there?

**MASTER FRUIT CAKE: **Dunno. I'll ask the crew. [leaves]

**PABLOSKY: **It's so boring in a plane!

**MANTIS: **Fucking court case screwed up my weekend…

**GELI: **[from outta nowhere]FILIPINO POWER!

**OCELOT: **Whoa… how the hell did she get here?

**OTACON: **[also from outta nowhere] The "High & Almighty" Judge Campbell decided to move the courtroom in the 747.

**LIQUID: **So, how'd all of you bloody chaps and all of your bloody furniture fit in here?

**CAMPBELL:** Uh, we had to, uh, dump some of the earlier load…

**[FLASHBACK – 20 Min. Before Takeoff]**

[we see a flight crew loading some courtroom supplies into the 747's cargo area]

**CAMPBELL: **Is that everything?

**OTACON: **Yeah. However, there was a slight complication…

**CAMPBELL: **What?

**SNAKE: **Well, um… we didn't have enough room to fit the desk, so we, uh… threw some of the passengers' items… …yeah… …that's what we did… especially this one huge crate that had the scent of freshly picked bananas…

**[END FLASHBACK]**

**A MONKEY NAMED BOB:** [right after hearing the flashback] AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! [grabs his FAMAS and shoots Snake]

**SNAKE: **Whoa! [jumps]

[the bullets hit the bulkheads, creating some holes, creating a sudden increase of air pressure]

**A MONKEY NAMED BOB: **[realizes what he just did] Ooh-eh. 

**EVERYONE ELSE: **Oh, my God!

**PILOT: **[on intercom] Um, passengers, I guess we just got fired at by some fighters. I think. Anyway, we have no choice but to crash-land this thing in Oxnard.

**ME: **…as if it couldn't get any worse…

**SNAKE: **[yells loudly] ANYONE WITH A WEAPON! POINT IT AT JOSH! [grabs his SOCOM]

**PABLOSKY: **[pulls out an FN Five-Seven pistol]

**SUPER CHIBI BLENDER MAN: **[takes out his Glock 18c]

**ME: **…I just _had to have said that…_

[the plane CRASHES!]

**ALL but WOLF: **Ow.

**WOLF: ***snore*

**PILOT: **…okay… …we somehow arrived at the airport. Well, I hope you enjoyed your flight. Thanks.

**SHADE WOLF: **Damn… that crash must have rattled my brain hard… so, why are we here again?

**PABLOSKY: **To prove that Josh has short-term memory.

**WOLF: **[wakes up] And, uh… why's that?

**SUPER CHIBI BLENDER MAN: **That proves that he's innocent.

**GELI: **So, you're saying that my so-called "death" was really just a simple numbering problem? And that we didn't have to go through this entire chapter just to explain something that's common?

**MASTER FRUIT CAKE: **Uh… yeah… whatever you said.

**MANTIS: **So, where in Oxnard are we?

**ME: **I don't really know… wait a minute… it that my junior high? I know where we are!

**GHOSTSTALKER1328: **Where then?

**ME: **Uh, if this is the corner of Ventura Road and Gonzales, then that means… we're at my old apartment!

**SOLIDUS:** You mean that apartment complex right over there? [points to an apartment complex about 100 yards away]

**ME: **Yeah.

**SOLIDUS: **The one that's run by people who are in a subordinate group of the Patriots?

**MANTIS: **Can you PLEASE shut up about the fucking Patriots!? I'm fucking sick and tired of them!!!

**SOLIDUS: **…okay.

**ME: **Hmm… so that means we'll have to walk by foot in… that direction. [points] See that school? That's Oxnard High. I got a lot of friends there. Of course, they hate reading, so they hate this fanfic, but I don't fucking care.

**MANTIS: **[walks up to Josh] Y'know, Josh… this would be a scenario in which I pull out my P90 or some other elaborate weapon, hold you hostage, hog-tie and gag you, and place you in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death, but since you're the author, I'll have to reconsider. Fucker.

**ME: **Sucks to be you, doesn't it? [inhales deeply and talks to the rest] Anyway, it's gonna be… eh, about a mile away.

**SNAKE: **Aww… I don't wanna walk that far!

**GENOME #12: **Ditto.

**ME: **You wanna get this over with?

**SNAKE: **Hell, I don't care.

**GENOME #12: **Ditto.

**ME: **Fine. We'll leave ya' here.

**SNAKE: **Okay, then. I'll stay here.

**GENOME #12:** Ditto.

**ME: **Come on… I want to get this over with. Don't you guys?

**SHADE WOLF: **Yep.

**GELI: **Yeah.

**PABLOSKY: **Uh-huh.

**RIAK KARASAWA: **Sure.

**MANTIS: **Yes.

**ME:** See? Just follow us.

**SNAKE: **Hmm… let me think about it… NO.

**GENOME #12: **Ditto.

**ME: **ARGH! Great. Our main character of this fic is staying in one spot. How the hell can we bring them along? If only someone had a way…

**WOLF: **[raises hand] I have a way!

**ME: **…if only someone had an idea…

**WOLF: **[now jumping up and down] I have an idea!

**ME: **…if only someone had a plan…

**WOLF: **[detonates some C4 right in front of Josh] I have a plan! Ah, screw this. [pulls out her PSG1 and loads it]

**ME:** …if only-

**WOLF: **YAAH! [grabs Josh by the neck, hurls him to the ground, and grabs her PSG1, pointing it at him] Were you even listening to me?

**ME: **Huh?

**WOLF: **[fires a warning shot] Were you?

**ME: **[gulp] …yes?

**WOLF: **Much better, hon. [puts away the PSG1] I got a way to make those two idiots follow us.

**SOLIDUS: **[butts in] Does it have anything to do with the-

**MANTIS: **[kicks him hard in the groin] FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME… THERE ARE _NO FUCKING PATRIOTS!_

**SOLIDUS: **[rolling in the ground in pain] That's what they want you to think! Stupid non-believer! *smack* Oof!

**WOLF: **[puts down her PSG1] Shut up! Anyway, the plan is…

MWAH-HAH-HAH! Cliffhanger! But I know you people. You'll kill me if I did this. Well, I did it once already. Back at the end of Chapter 5. Remember? Well, anyway… since I usually don't do that sorta stuff, I'm, uh… gonna continue. Um… why is this even here? Oh, yeah! So you don't hear what Wolf said to me! Yeah. Well, back to the story.

**ME: **Hmm… it works. Well, Snake, see ya.

**SNAKE: **Like I said, I ain't going.

**GENOME #12: **Ditto.

**ME: **But look what you'll miss! Your cue, Wolf!

**WOLF: **OK! [starts to strip right in front of the two guys who ain't moving]

**SNAKE: **[goes goggle-eyed as his jaw drops]

**GENOME #12: **[does what Snake did]

**ALL THE OTHER GUYS:** Holy shit. [start whistling and cheering LOUDLY]

**SNAKE: **Goddamn bribery… oh, okay! But can I touch 'em?

**WOLF: **[goes up to Snake and slaps him] No. [turns to Genome #12, who's still staring at her] And you?

**GENOME #12: **Um, okay. I'm only going since I can't BARE to be alone all by myself.

**WOLF: **[gives a blunt look]

**SNAKE: **I know how he feels about being all by himself. Damn, Josh… how HOT is it here?

**ME: **Uh… around this time of year? **(A/N:** Bear in mind that this is around January 2003**)** Around… 50's?

**WOLF: **[puts her clothes back on] Okay. Let's go.

**PABLOSKY: **So, when is this chapter over?

**ME: **About two page's length in Word.

**SHADE WOLF: **Ah.

**GELI: **Well, what are we here for again?

**SNAKE: **Good question.

**SUPER CHIBI BLENDER MAN: **To prove that Josh has short-term memory so that we prove that he's innocent?

**GHOSTSTALKER1328:** So, can we just say that he's got short-term memory? I'm tired.

**ME: **I have short-term memory?

**SNAKE: **See!?

**CAMPBELL: **Okay. Trial's over. I declare that the accidental "death" of Geli over here was caused due to the author having short-term memory and a bad case of writer's block.

**ME: **Oh. Good.

**WOLF: **So, what was the REAL reason we're here?

**ME: **Well, for starters, I wanted to give all of my loyal reviewers and fellow fanfic writers surprise cameo appearances.

[the authors smile]

**ME: **Two, after I read GhostStalker1328's review, I decided to clear that situation up. Well, I did, and now I feel better. Thanks, man.

**GHOSTSTALKER1328: **Anytime.

**ME:** Tres, I have a REALLY BAD case of writer's block. I need help, advice, reviews, motivation, and stuff like that to continue. Right now, I just don't have the time. Plus, I got Finals in about one week.

**SHADE WOLF: **Finals? And you're a Freshman?

**ME: **Well, they're actually big semester tests.

**PABLOSKY: **Oh.

**ME: **Four, I needed people like Snake, Wolf, and Mantis to attract all MGS fans and comedy-lovers alike to read and review.

**MANTIS:** So, we were here for no fucking reason?

**SOLIDUS: **[still on the floor reeling in pain] Well, I know why we're here.** It must be the work of-**

**MANTIS: **[kicks Solidus in the balls again] WILL YOU FUCKING STOP ABOUT THE FUCKING PATRIOTS!?!?!? FUCKER!!!

**ME: **Well, Mantis, yeah. Like I said, I have a bad-

**MANTIS: **I don't FUCKING care about the FUCKING writer's block! Okay!?!?!? Ya' got it!? [pulls out his p90] Huh!?

**ME: **Um… yeah?

**MANTIS: **Okay. [calms down] Now, let's go home. I'm tired of being in a jury.

**RIAK KARASAWA: **Same here.

**GHOSTSTALKER1328: **Well, can I go back to my seemingly endless slaughter of Genomes?

**A MONKEY NAMED BOB: **Ooh-eh-ah-ah-oh-eh-aah! _[I wanna kill the stupid Genomes too!]_

**SNAKE: **Okay.

**GHOSTSTALKER1328: **Woo-hoo! Where's that H.F. Blade?

[Ninja drops down from the sky]

**NINJA: **How DARE you steal my beloved sword! Give it back!

**GHOSTSTALKER1328: **Hell, no! [runs away]

**A MONKEY NAMED BOB: **Eh-aah-ooh-oh-eh-eh-ooh-ah-aah-oh-ee! _[Wait up for me!] [runs]_

**NINJA: **That bastard! Get back here! [chases them]

**SUPER CHIBI BLENDER MAN: **Aww… it is over already?

**GELI: **Looks like it.

**PABLOSKY: **Damn…

**SHADE WOLF: **Well, I guess we got to leave. Except for me, Pablosky, and Riak Karasawa.

**RIAK KARASAWA: **What for? Oh, yeah! Our cameo appearances in the next chapter.

**MASTER FRUIT CAKE: **You guys are lucky. Getting cameos and all.

**ME: **Well, that Survivor thing I'm doing in Chapter 15 is still gonna happen. All you guys gotta do is show up.

**MASTER FRUIT CAKE: **Hey, I can bring my lawn chair, right?

**ME: **Yeah.

**MANTIS: **Well, at least you ended this chapter without me going off in a rage, Josh. Thanks a lot! [smiles]

**NINJA: **[in the background] Give back my super-cool High-Frequency Blade, you fucking dolt! GIVE IT!!!

**THE AUTHORS: ***GASP!*

**SHADE WOLF: **I don't think this is gonna end well…

**MANTIS: **[snaps] ARRGGGHHHH!!! NINJA!!! THAT'S _MY_ FUCKING WORD, YOU FUCKING MOTHER-FUCKER!!! YAAHHH!!! [chases after Ninja, while grabbing any sharp object and chucking it]

**END CHAPTER**

Well… I hope I got some things settled here. Man I've gotta check on the other chapters! Oh, and by the way, I'm not changing the Genome numbering mistake. It just makes it more hilarious when I do stuff like that and write chapters like this! Well, here's some post-chapter announcements.

**1.) SERIOUS CASE OF WRITER'S BLOCK!** Yeah… I've hit a roadblock, and apparently, a solo effort won't move it out. If only I had more reviews… more readers… more fans… more supporters… you get the idea. That doesn't mean that I'm stopping. Once in a while (which is like everyday) I'll try to pull through. I just need some support. Thanks.

**2.) NOW 40 PEOPLE CAN PARTICIPATE IN SURVIVOR! **Yeah, I'm not that heartless. Well, it's easier if I had 40 people instead of 30, and it's more fun! Okay, now that I include A Monkey Named Bob, I now have **14 Slots Left**(as of January 18, 2004)

**3.) SURVIVOR ITEM CHECK & NOTES TO FANFIC AUTHORS: **Okay, fellow fanfic authors. If you haven't signed up, remember:

     -Name 1 item you'll bring

     -Tell me if you want Meryl to live or die

Anyway, for those of you who have signed up, I'm going to make sure I got your item right. Whether I got it or not, you need to review to confirm it. Well, my questions and/or comments to each of you:

**SHADE WOLF: **Okay… you asked for a Dotanuki. I did some research online, and Google.com said it was some sort of Japanese sword. Am I right? Well, tell me. What else was I gonna say? Oh, yeah… remember the first review you sent? The one where you said that you wanted to team up and do a MGS humor fic? Well, okay! Sounds cool!

**RIAK KARASAWA: **Um… I'm guessing you want the box of matches. Also, you forgot to tell me if you wanted Meryl to live or die. Also, answering your question about me knowing that many languages: NO. I don't know that many languages. I just went on an online translator and got some words translated. You're part-Filipino? Cool! Now that's TWO people I know that can officially use and say my "copyrighted" phrase, "FILIPINO POWER!" …you know any Tagalog? Just wondering…

**GELI: **Kumusta ka? So you want the kendo sword? Okay. Uh, you forgot to tell me if you wanted Meryl to live or not. Well, sorry about the little mix-up. Hope ya' feel better about it. How about I change your Genome number to #100? I guess that works. Sorry again!

**PABLOSKY:** Hey, you never mentioned what handgun you wanted. I'll just give ya' one (or let you use that Five-Seven from earlier). Plus, you forgot to tell me if you want Meryl to live or die. I read you fic. It's cool, cause it sounds like the real novel (which I'm reading, by the way), except we got Snake. Sorry I haven't reviewed it, though – what can I say? I'm a lazy-ass.

**GHOSTSTALKER1328: **Well, thanks for pointing out the flaw in my story. Basically, this chapter wouldn't have existed without ya. Well, you got the Cyborg Ninja on your case (which isn't pretty, I'll tell ya). I suggest you run as far away as you can. And make sure you got some I.R. Goggles – Ninja could be anywhere.

**SUPER CHIBI BLENDER MAN:** Ooh, Glock's Model 18c… good choice. A 9x19mm with magazine capacities of 10, 17, 19, or even 31 bullets. Found this info online. By the way… how far are you on SOCOM? I'm having trouble on the fifth mission I keep on getting picked off by sniper fire. You know a way through this mission?

**MASTER FRUIT CAKE:** So, you're just gonna sit and relax during the game, eh? Cool. I'd do that, too, but I'm not bringing a lawn chair. Recently, Sniper Wolf heard that Otacon was bringing his newest invention: "A-House-In-A-Box". If he does, I'm chilling there.

Is that everyone I need to talk to? Let's see… yep, all 7 of ya. Well, I think there was… oh, yeah-

**4.)** **IF ANYONE READING THIS LIVES IN EITHER OXNARD, CA, or CAMARILLO, CA, AND YOU EITHER KNOW ME OR GO TO OHS OR ACHS, TELL ME! There's got to be someone out there reading this right now that fits into one of those categories. Being the new kid in Camarillo isn't all that great. Sucks being new. If you go to ACHS, and you recognize me (by somehow remembering what I said about myself in my BIO), say "Hi!" and say you know about HMGSRH! Come on! Somebody here's from ACHS (hopefully someone I know) and I wanna know who!**

Well, thanks for reading. Just give me some support here by reviewing so I can get over my Writer's Block. Hey, look at the bright side – I ain't harassing you to review! See ya!

-Josh D. Blanco 

-Saturday (18 January 2004)


	15. Chapter 13: The World Domination Plan Wi...

**HOW METAL GEAR SOLID REALLY HAPPENED**

By Josh D. Blanco

© 2004 Josh D. Blanco

Hey, kumusta ka? For those of you who aren't Tagalog-speakers, I just said "Hey, what's up?" Now, some "Priority One" pre-chapter messages...

**1.)** **ANSWERING CHAPTER 12-And-A-Half COMPLAINTS!** Now, I know that some people here told me that they were - what's a good word... dissatisfied – dissatisfied with the way I portrayed them in Chapter 12.5... so, SORRY!!!

**2.) THE FIRST ANNUAL MGS FAN-FIC AWARDS ON SEPTEMBER 21st!** Believe it. There IS one!!!

For more details go to: 

What are ya' waiting for?

Oh, yeah... you're visiting the forum _AFTER _my story...

Heh-heh... moving on...

**3.)** **MY _NEW_ FORUM IS UP!!!**

Yes, people, my forum is back online. So, if you wanna go, just go to 

Sign up today!!!

**4.) INTRODUCING OUR GUESTS OF THE DAY!** Well, if ya' got short-term memory like me, then here's what this is for. Back in Chapter 12, I selected three people to appear in this chapter! YAY! So, now, their introductions!

[a stage appears as an audience claps]

**JOSH:** [grabs a microphone] Okay. Our first guest is a good friend of mine. He's a fellow author who's written works like Behind The Game: MGS and YamiBallZ. From Melbourne, Australia... [uses announcer voice] SHADE WOLF!

[the audience cheers as he walks on stage]

**SIMON:** Ladies, please! There's enough Simon for all of you.

**JOSH:** Good to see you here, man. Now, you got something to say to the readers, don't ya'?

**SIMON: **Rick James, bitch!

**JOSH:** ...okay... Well, what about the new forum?

**SIMON:** New forum? Zwah?

**JOSH: **Thanks. We'll see you in a bit.

**SIMON: **Yeah, you'll see me in your wet dreams.[leaves]

**JOSH:** Guest #2 is another author. You might have heard of his story, ECLIPSE Team. A Tom Clancy fan and an expert in weapons... [announcer voice] PABLOSKY!

[the audience cheers as he walks in stage]

**PABLO:** Hey! I was promised there'd be pancakes! WHERE ARE MY PANCAKES!

**JOSH: **Nice to see ya, man. So, anything you'd like to say?

**PABLO:** Well, my dear Josh, I'd be glad to inform that I'll be joining the South-Americans-For-The-NRA organization. And as for the forums, I hope they are de-infecting that rat hole.

**JOSH:** Okay. We'll see ya in a bit!

**PABLO:** Yeah, yeah, you'll be missing me. [leaves]

**JOSH:** Our final guest is the guy who gave me the most reviews up to Chapter 12. Give it up for... [announcer voice] RIAK KARASAWA!

[the audience cheers as he walks on stage]

**RIAK: **Yo. I like cheese.

**JOSH:** Great to see you. Anything you wanna say?

**RIAK: **FILIPINO POWER!!!

**JOSH:** Okay. See ya'!

**RIAK: **See ya man. [leaves]

**JOSH:** Well, there they are!

[audience cheers]

**(A/N:** Yes, those are THEIR lines. See what happens when you appreciate my story?

****

That's all the pre-story announcements! Let's go to the story! Or, the feature presentation!

[everybody parties]

**JOSH:** Wait... there's a party? And I wasn't invited? sniff

**SNAKE:** Dear God, not again!

**WOLF:** Let me do this. [grabs a Beretta]

**JOSH:** sniff Okay. Let's do this!

**THE FOLLOWING PRESENTATION IS RATED:**

"**R"**

**(Rhetorically Rated for Insane Purposes)**

**[EV] = Extreme Violence**

**[AL] = Adult Language**

**[AC] = Adult Content**

**[IH] = Insane Humor**

**[PC] = Pure Comedy**

**[PR] = Pointless Ranting**

**[OI] = Obvious Insanity**

**[PT] = Plot Twists**

**[US] = Unexpected Surprises**

**[CJ] = Cheap Jokes**

**[OS] = Obvious Stalling**

**[GR] = Gag Repeats**

**[FP] = Feature Presentation**

**[TG] = Thank God!**

****

**DISCLAIMER:**

Grr... looks like Mr. Kojima won't give up the rights to Metal Gear. Maybe I should try the "Bad Guy Treats Hostage Like Royalty" tactic... by offering him a drink... [starts making a Molotov Cocktail]

Anyway, yeah, I don't own Metal Gear. Or anything involving the Austin Powers movies. Or cheese. Or whatever.

**STORY STUFF:**

[action]

sound

**(A/N:)**

_[translation]_

_(thought)_

= Codec Call Begins/Ends

**Chapter XIII:**

**The World Domination Plan With Television**

**(otherwise known as "The Seven-Month-Long Chapter That Basically Is a Cheap Movie Rip-off Thingy")**

****

**NARRATOR:** On the last episode of How Metal Gear Solid Really Happened, there was peace all over Shadow Moses...

[cut to Ocelot, just standing there like an idiot]

**OCELOT:** [still groping over his loss at Monopoly] Grr... Wolf's gonna pay dearly... I now officially declare WAR!!!

[to the Narrator]

**NARRATOR:** There was tranquil silence...

[cut back to Ocelot]

**OCELOT:** YAAH!!! [charges forward to... nowhere]

[Narrator...]

**NARRATOR:** [bluntly] ...and then... ...there was Revolver Ocelot.

[just guess]

**OCELOT: **Damn straight!

I felt like doing that. Heh.

Well, anyway, we'll actually continue with this story.  
Right now, I'll put this in Snake's POV (Point Of View).  
Which is kinda useless, considering the fact that's Snake is still somewhat unconscious.  
So, that's... bad. Yeah. Bad.

[cut to a dark, eerie, black nothing...]

**???#1 (VO):** yawn

[now insert some cool echo-y echo with the voices... an example... dammit, just think of the game!!! Got an idea?]

**???#2 (VO):** Is he alive?

**???#1 (VO):** He was when Olga brought him in.

**???#2 (VO): **Well... wait... who's Olga?

**???#1 (VO):** Um... [sounds of rustling paper] ...dammit. I got the wrong script.

**???#2 (VO):** Oh.

**(A/N:** Go ahead. Figure out who the fuck they are. I'm not telling you. Hell if I know who they are...

**???#1 (VO): **I've checked everything, but there's nothing on this guy. NSA,CIA, FBI... ...Hollywood, TechTV, _Playboy_... He's a non-existent operative... ...from a non-existent organization.

**(A/N:** Jesus Christ... they're using the MGS2 script! Idiots!

**???#2 (VO):** I suspected as much. However, I know this guy...

**???#3 (VO):** You do? Wow... I'm shocked.

**???#2 (VO):** What do you bloody mean?

**???#2 (VO):** Well... ...um... ...I thought that... ...um... ...since you and him are related... - genetically speaking – ...you'd have... ...um... short-term memory?

**???#4 (VO):** What? No, he... ..._oh_... I'm the one with the short-term memory. You know... I think Liquid was on the forum for too long... must've gotten to him...

**???#1 (VO):** Oh, really?

**???#4 (VO):** ...yeah. In fact, once, Liquid knocked me out and proceeded to harass us all by typing in nothing but the words "Got any grapes?" He had too much time to rant.

**???#3 (VO):** ...yeah... ...and I think I had some lines... ..._and_ had some "fun" as well... ...eheheh...

**???#4 (VO):** Yeah.

**???#6 (VO):** ...um... ...did I miss anything?

**???#3 (VO):** Uh... check the forum.

**SNAKE:** _(For the love of God... I'm surrounded by moronic, future world dominators who'll start with that damn forum that Josh D. Blanco always goes to... ...why me?)_

**???#5 (VO):** Uh, guys, why am I here?

**???#4 (VO): **Um... you got a cameo appearance in this story?

**???#5 (VO): **Oh, right. I guess I forgot over the PAST SEVEN MONTHS.

**???#1 (VO):** I like T.V.

**???#6 (VO):** ...nice.

**???#2 (VO):** So, #5, why are you here?

**???#5 (VO): **Dude, we all know I'm Simon. Why the hell am I being called #5?

**???#2 (VO):** It keeps the suspense up, you chap! Capiche?

**???#5 (VO): **Never try and speak like a British gent again, or I will cut you. Moving on, heard about the new fic I'm working on with Josh? The Psycho Mantis Show?

**???#6 (VO):** GASP!!!

**???#2 (VO):** WHAT! How _DARE_ he steal my plans for world domination! I - ! ...what's it about?

**???#3 (VO):** Remember that one time you called Mantis and found him hosting an advice hotline, Liquid?

**???#2 (VO): **Yeah... well, what about it?

**???#4 (VO):** Well, with a few serious-yet-threatening résumés and a one million dollar budget fund from yours truly, he's gone on and made his own TV show.

**???#2 (VO):** GRR... MANTIS!!!

**???#6 (VO): **What? _(Thanks a lot, Simon.)_

**???#2 (VO):** Guess what? YOU ARE FIRED!!!

**MANTIS (VO):** sniff I'm... ...what? sniff

**???#2 (VO): **You're not working for me anymore, you cheap, bloody psycho-bastard!

**MANTIS (VO): **sniff ...you know what? sniff You can't fire me! sniff I QUIT!!! sniff

slam

[silence]

door creaking open

**MANTIS (VO):** And it's gonna be a LOT better that your TV shows, Liquid! You'll see!!!

slam

**???#2 (VO):** Bah... I never liked the guy anyway.

**???#1 (VO):** Back to business, Boss... [deeply inhales] ...what do we do about... ..._him_?

**???#2 (VO):** We'll... ...um... ...use him... ...like you suggested. How is everything over there?

**???#1 (VO):** At last report, all is well with Metal Gear. However, we've lost about a hundred or so Genomes so far, though... ...yeah.

**???#3 (VO):** Like how?

**???#2 (VO):** By that pathetic excuse for a genetic brother! You know, I was going to give each Genome here a nice, crisp, green, 2004-edition $20 U.S. Bill!

[silence]

[the PA system is heard being turned on]

**???#1 (VO):** ...you mean... ..._THAT _giant pile of nice, green, crisp, 2004-edition $20 bills that's gonna be incinerated and ultimately become non-existent due to the fact that there's about a dozen boxes worth of live Semtex explosives all around the money AND the obviously ingenious infrared laser trap that surrounds the paychecks of any survivors?

**ALL SURVIVING GENOMES: **NOO!!!

**???#2 (VO): **Shut up.

**SNAKE:** _(Sucks to be a Genome.)_

**???#3 (VO):** [hissing silently] Otacon! What are you doing calling me right now? ...no... ...NO... ...it is NOT that time of the month for me! I told you... I'm not going to the Otaku... oh... it's a _restaurant_... ...whoops. Sorry... I didn't mean... um... okay... So... you're picking me up at seven? ...okay. Love ya'. Bye.

**???#2 (VO): **Wolfy, who was that?

**WOLF (VO):** Nobody.

**???#2 (VO):** ..._sure_...

**???#1:** Um, why are you here again?

**???#5 (VO): **Because you're a dork.

**???#1 (VO): **Oh. But why are you wasting time here? You only got 37 guys and gals on that forum!

**???#5 (VO):** Again, you're a dork.

**???#1 (VO):** Ah.

[some computer-thing beeps]

**???#1 (VO):** Boss... it looks like our friend is awake.

**???#2 (VO):** Excellent. ...what friend?

**WOLF (VO):** Y'know... that girl I shot.

**???#2 (VO):** Okay. Well, wake Snake up.

**SNAKE: **_(Oh, shit! Um... well... maybe I should pretend I'm still unconscious... yeah...)_

[the black screen fades, but remember, for the sake of suspense and hilarity, we're still in Snake's POV for now. Wait, wouldn't it still be black, then?]

**???#1 (VO):** Um... Boss... looks like he's asleep.

**???#2 (VO):** I can see, that, Ocelot.

**SNAKE:** snore

**OCELOT (VO):** ...he's snoring, Boss.

**???#2 (VO):** Yes, I can HEAR that, Ocelot.

**???#4 (VO):** Aren't you gonna wake him up?

**???#2 (VO):** Of course I am, Josh! What the hell are you, some stuck-up Asian dumb-ass??? _(...whoops...)_

**ALL: **GASP!!!

**???#2 (VO):** _(Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit...)_

[cars crash & tires screech as everyone gasps]

**JOSH (VO): **...m-my... sniff

**WOLF (VO):** You've gone too far, Liquid. Too far. Sure, I could understand the Genomes, the brainwashing, and the insane plan to hijack Rex, but insulting the author of this surprisingly successful and hilarious story? I'm shocked... [to Josh] ...hey... ...Josh... ...you okay?

**JOSH (VO): **sniff ...h-h-he insulted... sniff ...m-m-my Asian... sniff ...my Asian heritage... sniffle-sniff WAAH! [cries]

**???#2 (VO):** Look, Josh, I didn't mean for that to come out.

**JOSH (VO):** sniff Uh-huh. sniff Like you know anything about us Asians, you fucking tea-drinking British pansy!

**SNAKE:** _(...ooh... that's gotta hurt...)_

**WOLF (VO):** You know, Liquid... there are two things that I can't stand in this world.

**LIQUID (VO):** Like what?

**WOLF (VO):** People who can't stand other people's cultures...

**LIQUID (VO):** HA! You call that an insult? Geez, you suck. You need some sort of long, deep, serious, semi-complex, and professional-sounding insult. [insert British patriotic music] There is no combination of letters, words, symbols, numbers, or gestures that can get through ME! [goes into a patriotic stance] Can't beat that, huh, bitch? Can ya'?

**WOLF (VO):** [bluntly] ...and the British.

[the music abruptly stops, causing Snake to open his eyes, which means that we're out of his POV, which means no VO's]

**LIQUID: **...grr... [briskly walks up to Wolf] I hope you rot in bloody hell forever, you bloody bitch!

SLAP!!!

**ALL:** GASP!!!

**SNAKE:** ...he... ...he slapped Playboy's Miss July!

**OCELOT:** Yeah! [grabs his Colt SAA] You're gonna get it, Liquid! Right after I – wait. Snake, did you say that Wolf was Miss July? I thought she was Miss October!

**SNAKE:** No... she's Miss July.

**WOLF:** sniff

**SNAKE:** I'm telling you, Ocelot – Wolf is Miss July! If I wasn't strapped down in this... ...this... ...um...

**OCELOT:** sigh ...torture bed...

**SNAKE:** ...torture bed, I'd beat your sorry ass to a pulp!

**OCELOT:** Wolf's Miss October! Don't make me shoot you!

**SNAKE:** I'd love to see you try, cowboy. And for the last damn time... Wolf is Miss July!

**OCELOT:** NO! Miss October!

**WOLF:** sniff-sniff

**SNAKE:** Miss July.

**OCELOT:** Miss October.

**SNAKE:** Miss July!

**OCELOT:** Miss October!

**SNAKE:** MISS JULY!!!

**OCELOT: **MISS OCTOBER!!!

**THE OTHERS:** [animé sweatdrop]

**SNAKE:** July.

**OCELOT:** October.

**SNAKE:** July!

**OCELOT:** October!

**SNAKE:** JULY!!!

**OCELOT:** OCTOBER!!!

**[One Hour and Several Trillion Animé Sweat Drops Later...]**

****

[the room is now half-flooded with animé sweat drops while Snake and Ocelot continue to argue...]

**SNAKE: **There are SEVEN scoops in every box of ice cream!

**OCELOT:** No... there are _EIGHT_!!!

**WOLF:** sniffly-sniff-sniff

**JOSH:** [slaps his head]

**SNAKE:** ...jelly-filled donuts are the best!

**OCELOT:** NO! _GLAZED_!!!

**WOLF:** sniffle-sniff-sniffly-sniff

**SNAKE:** Well, DVD's are better!

**OCELOT:** VCR tapes!

**WOLF:** sniff [grabs her PSG1]

**SNAKE:** Tom Clancy's the number one author!

**OCELOT:** No – Dr. Seuss!

**SNAKE:** Well then, explain how Rainbow Six became a hit game series or how his book The Sum of All Fears became a movie!

**OCELOT:** How about The Cat In The Hat or How the Grinch Stole Christmas?

**WOLF:** sniff SHUT UP!!! [fires her PSG1 at the ceiling, causing a chunk of the roof to crack off and fall on Josh]

**JOSH:** OW!

**WOLF:** Sorry. [now faces Snake and Ocelot. Now picture her with teary eyes and a look that could either melt your heart, or kill you. Probably both, so...] Well, here I am standing here, with my pride and joy diminished by that fucking British pansy over there... [points at Liquid] ...while you two bakas are just arguing over the most irrational things! sniff Why? Huh? [looks at her script again, and realizes that she said the f-word...] Aw, shit.

[Mantis walks back in]

**MANTIS:** Normally, I'd beat the living shit out of you, but since you're in extreme emotional pain, I'll let it slide.

**WOLF:** sniff ...thank you...

**MANTIS:** No problem. [leaves]

**WOLF:** ...I need a soda. [grabs a Coke can]

**SNAKE:** She's my type of girl, all right. Hot, beautiful, sexy, drinks Coca-Cola-

**OCELOT:** COKE? Hah! Pepsi's a LOT better!

**SNAKE:** WHAT!? Take that back, you son-of-a-

**JOSH:** Hey, Snake. Calm down, man...

**SIMON:** What's wrong this time, Snakester?

**SNAKE:** Ocelot insulted Coca-Cola!

**OCELOT:** Shut up! [kicks Snake in the balls]

**SNAKE:** OW!!!

**JOSH:** Ooh!

**SIMON: **Nice, right in the bojangles.

**WOLF:** That's gonna leave a mark...

**OCELOT:** That's for saying that Wolf is Miss July!

**SNAKE:** [voice is higher pitched] Cause she is!!!

**WOLF:** [fires another round] See!? Because of you two blabbering idiots, my stress level has gone through the fucking roof!!!

**LIQUID:** ...or it could be a very bad case of PMS...

**WOLF:** Why you-! [rifle butts Liquid]

**LIQUID:** ...ooh!

**OCELOT:** ...a VERY BAD case of PMS...

**WOLF:** Shut the hell up! [slaps Ocelot]

**SNAKE:** ...a –

**WOLF:** [grabs Snake's SOCOM and aims it at him] Don't even.

**SNAKE:** [whimper] Shutting up.

**WOLF:** [throws SOCOM in the back] Oh... ...and by the way... ...I'm actually Miss August.

[record scratches]

**OCELOT:** ...n-n-not Miss October...?

**SNAKE:** ...b-b-but Miss August?

**WOLF:** Yeah.

**OCELOT:** [suddenly drops to his knees] WHY!?!?!? WHY, GOD??? WHY WAS I WRONG ABOUT WOLF!?!?!?

**WOLF:** [slaps Ocelot again] Just shut up. Look, I'm Miss August, okay? Now, the reason this happened was because Josh paid me a hefty sum of freebies.

**SIMON: **Freebies, eh? I take it these were supplied from a Mister Bribe.

**JOSH:** No. I just simply made a deal... ...with free stuff.

**SIMON: **It's called bribing, Louise.

**JOSH:** ...I guess it is.

**OCELOT:** So... what did you get?

**WOLF:** Well, I got... $10 Million U.S. Dollars – 2.5 in British Pounds, a fourth in Philippine Pesos, another quarter in Australian Dollars, and the rest in Argentinean Pesos.

**SNAKE:** What else?

**WOLF:** ...annual First-Class vacations to Manila, Bora Bora, Melbourne, Buenos Aires, Liverpool, Camarillo, and Tokyo... ...an 8-year scholarship to West Point-

**LIQUID:** [jaw drops] West Point? You mean... the U.S. military's West Point Academy??? You got accepted there!?!?!?

**SNAKE:** Geez... it took me forever just to even _look_ inside!!!

**WOLF:** Cool, huh? Also, I got a sleek Dodge Viper SRT-10. I even got parts for street racing!

**SNAKE:** Transmission?

**WOLF:** Manual.

**SNAKE:** Zero-to-sixty - MPH?

**WOLF:** One-point-five.

**OCELOT:** [whistles]

**SNAKE:** Max speed?

**WOLF:** ...um... ...I got it to 204.5 mph once.

**SNAKE:** Sweet.

**SIMON:** Wolf, I once danced naked for a team of South African Mah Jong players, and I didn't get that much stuff. What the hell did you do?

**WOLF:** Um... well... a _Playboy_ photo shoot... ...a couple of "performances" – one of them being in my birthday party... heh... - a special edition _Playboy_ DVD –

**SNAKE:** DVD? Oh, God...

[John Clark & Domingo Chavez from Rainbow Six burst through the ceiling, wielding M4A1SD's]

**CHAVEZ:** What's up, Snake?

**CLARK:** You say something about a DVD?

**SNAKE:** Yeah, Clark. Josh was just-

**CLARK:** All I need to hear. [grabs Josh by the throat, slams him to the wall, uses his free hand to grab Josh's USP9SD and point it to Josh's temple] Where is it?

**CHAVEZ:** Um... Mr. C? This goes against standard protocol!

**CLARK:** So?

**(A/N:** Go on the forum. Find out what's wrong with Clark here. Cause I ain't giving it to you, ya leech!!!

**JOSH:** Um... gasp

[Pablosky drops down from the ceiling]

**PABLO: **Heya, everyone. Sorry if I'm late, I had this argument with Greenpeace members.

**SIMON: **Nah, you're not late. Clark just kinda manhandled Josh.

**PABLO: **What are those whackos doing here? I thought they were dealing with Communist guerillas in Southeast Asia!

**SIMON: **Because you're a dirty whale.

**WOLF:** Damn... this is confusing... [grabs a PSG1-T]

**CLARK:** [angrily] Where's the DVD?

**JOSH:** [panicking] What DVD?

**CLARK:** [slams Josh's head into the wall] Answer me!!!

Picture this. A man in his sixties-

**CLARK:** Fifties!!!

..._fifties_... ...holding a 14-year-old Filipino teen against the wall, by his neck. Everyone is watching this event. Yeah.

**JOSH:** [weakly] Like hell I will...

**CLARK:** [slams Josh's head in the wall again] Just answer the goddamn question, Josh!!!

**JOSH:** [weakly] Go to hell...

**CLARK:** [slams Josh's head in the wall... ...yet again... ...I'm gonna get short-term memory because of this!!! Oh... wait... I already _have_ short-term... ...I think...] ANSWER ME, DAMMIT!!!

**JOSH:** [even weaker] ...who... ...the fuck... ...cares...?

**PABLO:** AHEM!!!

**CLARK:** GASP!!! [drops Josh and the USP9SD, turns around, and salutes Pablosky] Um... hi, Sir!!!

**PABLO:** [salutes back] Rainbow Six... What are exactly are you doing with him? The media's up my butt with these "Interrogations".

**CLARK:** Um... I was... interrogating him for... intel? [smiles]

**SNAKE:** _Uh-huh_...

**PABLO:** [insert animé sweat drop] But... but... what's wrong with you people?

**CLARK:** Um... ...uh... ...don't know, don't care. Well, we can interrogate – er... _ask_ him later. Onto the mission!!!

**CHAVEZ:** ...on your off-day? Jeez... you've lost it.

**CLARK:** Back to Otacon's house for plundering!

[Clark & Chavez leave the room]

**(A/N:** What about Otacon's place, you ask? Go to the forum.

**SNAKE:** sigh It's hopeless.

**OCELOT:** Damn right you are, Snake.

**LIQUID:** Well... ...is there something I'm missing?

**OCELOT:** ...yeah?

**CLARK:** [opens the door and pops his head in] You sure?

**PABLO:** Why are you forcing me to see your face? Go away, Clark!

**CLARK:** Sheesh... [leaves]

**LIQUID:** ...right. Well, anyway...

**JOSH:** _(...finally... ...we're back on track...)_

**SIMON: **_(...hmm, I wonder if Yoriko is wearing those penguin panties of hers...)_

**PABLO: **_( Mmm... the Kurdish chick is kinda nice... maybe I should patch things up with the Dr. before...)_

**OCELOT:** _(...I like TV.)_

**LIQUID:** [in a Dr. Evil-like voice] Here's the plan. We take the warhead... ...and we hold Snake hostage for... [insert suspenseful music] ...one million dollars!!!

[silence]

cricket chirp

**JOSH:** [sweat drops] _(...then again... ...maybe not...)_

**WOLF:** [sweat drops as well, dropping the PSG1-T] _(...I was once in love with a psychotic idiot?)_

**OCELOT:** light cough ...Boss?

**LIQUID:** ...okay... sigh ...it's stupid. So... let's use... ...that one alternate back-up plan... ...called, "Back-Up Plan."

**PABLO:** [stifled laugh] Amazing, Liquid. Are you are a "Friends" Screenwriter or something?

**SIMON: **That's the worst name I've ever heard, narrowly beating "A Place To Rant".

**LIQUID:** So? It's better that what you two could've made up!

**SIMON: **Operation: Unforgiven Darkness.

**PABLO: **Operation: Winter Twilight.

**LIQUID:** ...I guess those could work... ...but anyway... ...let me introduce you to my evil business syndicate... [points to the door...]

[everyone looks, but no one appears]

**LIQUID:** ...ahem! [yells loudly] LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO MY EVIL BUISNESS SYNDICATE!!!

[still... nobody appears...]

**SNAKE:** ...um... where is-

**LIQUID:** Shut up, Snake. [looks at watch] Why the hell is he late? He'd better have a good reason... [grabs a FAMAS-G2 and opens the door] What the-!

[we now see Dr. Evil, from the "Austin Powers" series, gagged and hog-tied]

**LIQUID: **[looks around, seeing blood and guts everywhere] What the bloody hell happened? [removes gag]

**DR. EVIL:** gasp Well... I was walking from the elevator to this room, okay? So, the door opens and two guys rushed out with rifles and started to blow the shit outta the Genome guards. I only survived because the organs and bodily fluids of... ...of... [picks up a nametag] ...of Genome #112 here formed a somewhat protective cocoon, shielding me from the blasts. Later on when they made sure that everyone was dead, they found me, and since they ran outta bullets, the rifle-butted me and... gasp ...that's why I'm here.

**LIQUID:** ...I got lost after the "walking" part...

**PABLO: **I'm sick of this! Here comes the pain, you US Goverment whackos! [grabs a Beretta and a G36K, and leaves]

**SNAKE:** ...wasn't I supposed to get tortured?

**OCELOT:** Dunno. I'm just gonna guess that Pablo's execution plan was "Plan B".

**LIQUID:** ...yeah...

[we hear agonizing screams of pain and terror]

**OCELOT:** ...ouch...

**WOLF:** That can't be good.

[the door opens as Pablo's body flies in, crashing on the wall]

**LIQUID:** OH!

**SNAKE:** sniff Pablo... you were a good friend. [bows his head] Especially on the forum. Godspeed.

**WOLF:** [walks over to Pablo, kneels over, and checks for a pulse] Um, Snake? He's still alive.

**SNAKE:** I know. But the last time I heard that phrase was in Men in Black 2, so I wanted to hear it again.

**JOSH:** ...somebody kill me...

**SIMON:** [grabs a Dotanuki] You rang?

**JOSH:** Yes – I mean – No.

**LIQUID:** ..._uh-huh_... anyway, "Plan C" will be based on a plan that was used by Dr. Evil here. Um... tell 'em.

**DR. EVIL:** Okay. Now, here's the plan. I have designed a superbly new, deadly weapon. I call it... [raises his hands to do his infamous "quote thing"] ...a "LASER".

**SNAKE:** _(Damn... Liquid must've been _really_ desperate...)_

**OCELOT:** [is pretty enthusiastic] OOH! Tell me, Dr. Evil! What _IS_ this "LASER" of which you speak of? [...scratch that... ..._very_ enthusiastic...]

**JOSH:** _(Dear God... ...and I thought that _I_ was the only person that never got out of the house...)_

**DR. EVIL:** It stands for "Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation."

**OCELOT:** COOL!!!

**JOSH:** groan

[Scott, Frau, and No. 2 walk in]

**DR. EVIL:** Continuing from where I left off... ...now, I am going to launch myself to the moon, along with my ["quote thing"] "LASER". Once on the moon, I shall construct a moon base with my laser as my primary weapon! I shall dub my moon base: the ["quote"] "Death Star".

**SCOTT:** laugh

**DR. EVIL:** What, Scott? What's so funny?

**SCOTT:** Oh, nothing, "Darth." chuckles

**DR. EVIL:** What did you call me?

**SCOTT:** [regains composure] Oh, nothing.

**DR. EVIL:** Oh.

**SCOTT:** ["sneezes"] Rip-off!

**DR. EVIL:** ...bless you. Anyway, can "Plan C" work?

**NO. 2: **Um... ...no. These guys don't have a rocket.

**DR. EVIL:** Oh?

**NO. 2:** Yeah. They don't.

**LIQUID:** Okay... "Plan D" should work. Dr. Evil?

**DR. EVIL:** As you know, the royal family of Britain are the wealthiest landowners in the world. Either the royal family pays us an exorbitant amount of money, or we make it seem that Prince Charles has had an affair outside of marriage, and THEREFORE... ...would have to divorce!

**NO. 2:** ahem Prince Charles _DID_ have an affair. He admitted it, and they are now divorced.

**DR. EVIL**: Right. Okay people, you have to tell me these things, alright? I've been frozen for 30 years, okay?

**LIQUID: **[nervously] ...um... ...let's hear... ...uh... ..."Plan E"?

**DR. EVIL:** Yeah. [insert slowly growing suspense music] Well, back in the 60's, I developed a weather-changing machine which was, in essence, a sophisticated heat beam which we called, a ["quote"] "LASER." Using these... ["quote"] "LASERS", we'd punch a hole in the protective layer around the world, which we called the ["quote"] "Ozone Layer." Slowly, but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in, increasing the risk of skin cancer. That is, unless... ...the world pays us... ...a hefty ransom?

**NO. 2:** ahem That _also _already has happened.

**DR. EVIL:** Shit. Um, what about "Plan F"?

**NO. 2: **Sorry... ...but... [whispers in Dr. Evil's ear]

**DR. EVIL:** What?

**LIQUID: **...what's the plan?

**OCELOT:** [excitedly] Does it involve lasers?

**WOLF:** Is it "Wolf-Dog Friendly?"

**JOSH:** _(...somebody help me...)_

**DR. EVIL:** SHUT UP!

[everyone shuts up]

**DR. EVIL:** Y'know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with fricking laser beams attached to their heads! Now, evidently, my cycloptic colleague here informs me that can't be done. Honestly, throw me a bone here. What do we have?

[silence]

[silent silence]

[revered silent silence]

[completely revered silent silence]

[100% completely revered silent silence]

[purely 100% completely revered silent silence]

**SNAKE:** WILL YOU STOP THAT, JOSH!?!?!?

**JOSH:** What?

**SNAKE:** The "silence" thingy!

**JOSH:** Doesn't it give you déjà vu?

**SNAKE:** Yeah. I saw something like this in Chapter 4!

**DR. EVIL:** AHEM!!! ...what do we have?

[silence]

[silent silence]

[revered silent silence]

[completely revered silent silence]

[100% completely revered silent silence]

[purely 100% completely revered silent silence]

[super purely 100% completely revered silent silence]

[more super purely 100% completely revered silent silence]

[even more super purely 100% completely revered silent silence]

**SNAKE:** JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP, JOSH!!!

[everyone GASPS!!!]

**LIQUID:** [notices that Dr. Evil is standing in front of the door] Dr. Evil? Back away from the door. NOW.

**DR. EVIL:** Oh? What for?

**LIQUID:** Just back away, you bloody ingrate!

**DR. EVIL:** I ain't taking no fricking orders from you, you frickcin' British pansy!

**LIQUID:** [putting on Lv.3 Kevlar gear] ...suit yourself.

Without warning, the door is rammed down, smashing Dr. Evil on the floor. We see Mantis, who is cackling and laughing like an evil maniac –

**MANTIS:** YAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!

- wielding an M16A2/M203 and an MP5KA4SD-PDW. On him is an array of weapons, items, and gadgets, including a duo of M67 fragmentation grenades, three M141 Flash Bangs, an M18A1 Claymore directional land mine, a USP9 and a Makarov, a pair of switchblade knives, Level III Kevlar armor, five pounds of C4, a pack of Chicken Cavatelli rations, a laser rangefinder, a C4 detonator, a duffel bag full of spare ammo, and a pack of Yu-Gi-Oh Duel Monsters Cards. Whoa... the first time I narrated... ...I _LIKE_ it!!!

**(A/N:** Remember, Mantis doesn't allow anyone else besides me to use the "f-word," so... ...yeah.

**MANTIS:** Die, Snake!!! [proceeds to use every single weapon and explosive item on Snake, except the cards]

**WOLF:** sniff ...sayonara, Snake... sniff

**JOSH:** Where the _hell_ did you get all that???

**MANTIS:** [stops firing] Um... ...I snuck into your personal armory last night and jacked all this... ...except the cards.

**JOSH:** Oh. Just give me the MP5KA4SD-PDW.

**MANTIS:** [surprised] ...that's all you want?

**JOSH:** Well, yeah, that's all I want. Unless you got a "Dark Ruler Ha Des" with you in those cards right now.

**MANTIS:** Hehehe... ...no. Anyway, aren't you even mad about me breaking into your top-secret personal armory?

**JOSH:** Nah. You're one of my friends. Besides, there's enough in there to start a zillion-person military force.

**MANTIS:** Oh. [hands over the MP5KA4SD-PDW]

**SNAKE:** cough-cough My ears are still ringing!!!

**LIQUID:** WHAT!?!?!? He's still _ALIVE_!?!?!?

**MANTIS:** [scoffs] Yeah... ...he's TALKING...

**SNAKE:** ...um... ...how'd I survive?

**MANTIS:** I used blanks. [smiles, but since he always wears that frigging gas mask, who the hell cares?]

**LIQUID:** [faints]

**WOLF:** Wow... ...he sucks.

[muffled, incoherent sounds are heard from under the door]

**MANITS:** You hear something?

**JOSH:** ...no.

**MANTIS:** Oh. Must be me. [grabs his gear and leaves]

[more muffled sounds are heard from beneath the door]

**SCOTT:** Can't hear you, Dad.

**DR. EVIL:** [more incoherent sounds]

**NO. 2: **What?

**DR. EVIL:** ...mmmfh... ...duf... ...dooorrhr...!

**FRAU:** MOVE THE DOOR!!!

[Wolf and Josh proceed to lift the door off of Dr. Evil]

**SNAKE:** Remember, guys: lift with your legs, not with your back. No, Wolf, your legs... ...no, no, NO! Lift with – hold it, Wolf. Go back to that position... ...yeah. _Good_. Now gentlemen [referring to Liquid and Ocelot], this is why you don't lift with your back. Look at Josh. He's lifting with his legs. It'll keep his back alive. Now, Wolf... chuckle

**WOLF:** [starting to blush] W-what?

**LIQUID:** [regains consciousness]

**SNAKE: **Well... [clears throat] ...notice that Wolf's _CHEST AREA_ is extremely _CURVED_... ...if you catch my drift... ...eheheh...

**LIQUID:** [evil grin]

**OCELOT:** snicker

**WOLF:** [blushes even more] What's so funny?

**SNAKE:** ...and a curved back will _BUST_ if it is heavily stressed. Also, it's good to have a nice, _FIRM_ grip when carrying an object... ...or _objects_... ...especially something that is _SOFT_... ...like... ...um... ..._MELONS_...

**LIQUID:** Eheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheh...

**WOLF:** [is now completely red from blushing] What is so damn funny, you guys? Tell me!!!

**JOSH:** Um... [walks up to Wolf and whispers in her ear] ...um, for starters, they were secretly chatting about your –

slap

**WOLF:** Pervert!

**JOSH:** [rubbing his jaw] Look, Wolf... I'm saying that –

**WOLF:** [is about to slap Josh again-]

**JOSH:** [holds hand up] Wolf, wait! Just look at your script.

**WOLF:** grumble [grabs her script]

**JOSH:** Now, look here. We're in this area – Scene 174, Part 853. See how we're arguing here in this part of the script?

Lo and behold, this line appears in the script. Wait... ...if this is the script, and I'm _reading_ the script of the script, then that means that I'm in a double-helix script, which means that I am both natural-occurring and artificial, meaning I'm half-real, signifying that I have a half-life, which is partly-real, making me... ...**_FAKE_**!?!?!? Wait... no, I'm inside one of the many Pandora's Boxes inside this story, which means that I'm self-contradicting my contradictious self, which means that... ...ah, screw it all.

**JOSH:** ...um... ...where were we?

**WOLF:** ..._uh-huh_...

**JOSH:** ...um, sorry. Now... [referring to the script] look up about a dozen lines. See how the lines that Snake said don't appear in the script at all?

**WOLF:** Yeah. But maybe they were looking out for my health!

**JOSH:** _OR_... ...maybe they altered their scripts so...

**WOLF:** [finally sees the point] YOU HENTAIS!!! [kicks the perverted trio in the balls]

**THE THREE:** [insert groans and agonizing pain]

**SIMON:** Nice work there, Wolfy, though I think you might have gone a little too far.

**WOLF:** Hey, Simon, they deserved it. [she and Josh go back to lifting the door off Dr. Evil, who gets out]

**LIQUID:** [groaning in agony] Well... Plans A – G didn't work, so I guess we'll have to...

**DR. EVIL:** ...tell you about... [tense music] "Preparation H!"

**SNAKE:** Um, Josh... ...why does this sound like a movie spoof?

**JOSH:** I have no fucking clue. All I know is everyone loves the random humor in here, so... [kicks Snake in the balls once more] ...yeah.

**LIQUID:** Can we please get back to getting this completed?

**JOSH:** Yeah... ...I don't pay you people to do nothing!

**OCELOT:** You _do _pay us. See, there was this one time...

**FLASHBACK**

**JOSH:** Okay. Now, for each of you to earn your first paychecks, I want you all to do _ABSOLUTELY NOTHING_. Okay?

**ALL:** Okay! [sit down and do nothing]

**END FLASHBACK**

****

**OCELOT:** See?

**JOSH:** [bluntly] Sure. So Liquid, aren't you gonna reveal how your world domination plan goes-

**LIQUID:** You said it wrong, you bloody idiot! It's "A Real Perfect Diabolical Scheme for World Domination and Mass Global Chaos!" ...anyway... ..."A Real Perfect Diabolical Scheme for World Domination and Mass Global Chaos" will involve "Preparation H" and other things.

**SCOTT:** ...so you're using ass-cream to take the world?

**LIQUID:** Yes – I mean – No! _(What the fuck!?!?!?)_

**SNAKE:** ...heh... ..."ass-cream"...

**LIQUID:** I am _NOT_ using ass-cream!

**SCOTT:** Dude, take a break, man. Chill. Cool down. Eat something cold, like ice cubes... ...or a popsicle...

**SNAKE: **_Or_ chocolate "ass-cream"! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

**SCOTT:** [joins in] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

**LIQUID:** Shut up, you bloody assholes!!!

[Snake & Scott shut up]

**LIQUID:** Anyway, my "real Perfect Diabolical Scheme for World Domination and Mass Global Chaos" is the best plan for a world of hell. The plan is really simple. All we have to do is humiliate the legendary Solid Snake!!!

[cricket chirps]

**SNAKE:** That's it? You're just gonna humiliate me in the known world on public television?

**LIQUID:** ...yeah.

**SIMON: **Liquid, I've heard better plans from a retarded 5-year-old with genital herpes.

**PABLO: **[regains consciousness] The... Holy Grail... is... in... what happened?

**SIMON: **Meh, a whole bunch of nonsense. Turned out that you were my father.

**PABLO:** You fool! I'd never had sex with a woman that could spawn that.

**LIQUID:** Um... ...Simon, can I please continue with the story?

**SIMON: **How about no, Dicksy McSucksalot?

**LIQUID:** Well, that just sucks.

**SIMON:** [laughs]

**PABLO:** [joins the laughter]

**SNAKE:** [joins in as well]

**MANTIS:** [walks back in and joins the laughter]

**DR. EVIL:** [joins in as well]

**SCOTT:** [joins in]

**OCELOT:** [...I think it's becoming apparent...]

**FRAU:** [...you got the idea yet?]

**NO. 2:** [do I _really_ have to explain?]

**WOLF:** [...sigh... ...I don't even have to explain...?]

**JOSH:** [...ugh...]

**LIQUID:** _(...urge... ...to kill... ...rising... ...must... ...not... ...snap...)_

__

**[One Hour Later]**

****

[everyone is still laughing]

**LIQUID:** [snaps] YAAH!!! [grabs Mantis' M16A2/M203 and proceeds to shoot the shit outta everyone] HAHAHA!!! DIE!!!

**ALL:** AAH!!! [panic]

**LIQUID:** [reloads] PREPARE TO MEET YOUR CREATOR!!!

**ALL:** AAH!!! [run away]

**SNAKE:** Uh, hey!!! [is obviously still strapped on the torture bed] This is not cool, Liquid! Get me outta here NOW! [tries to break free] LEMME GO!!!

**LIQUID:** [turns to face Snake] Let _you _go, my dear brother? scoff My, my... [throws away the M16] ...and I thought that Josh complains too much. So, you want to be free from that torture bed? Well... ...how 'bout _NO_!?!?!?

**SNAKE:** [gulps] ...okay?

**LIQUID:** Sorry. Can't hear you.

**SNAKE:** [gulps louder] ...okay...

**LIQUID:** [singsong] ...I can't hear you...

**SNAKE:** ...o-kay...

**LIQUID:** [singsong] Still can't hear you...

**SNAKE:** [singsong] ...okay...

**LIQUID:** [singsong] I still can't hear-

**SNAKE:** I SAID OKAY, DAMMIT!!!

**LIQUID:** [whimpers]

**SNAKE:** Okay... ...good. Now, what is this diabolical plot of yours again? My ears are still ringing a bit.

**LIQUID:** Why can't anybody get the name right!?!?!?

**JOSH:** [walk back in] Just tell him your "Real Perfect Diabolical Scheme for World Domination and Mass Global Chaos" already! I'm on a time constraint here!!!

**LIQUID:** What the bloody hell for?

**JOSH:** 'Cause I got grounded!

**SNAKE:** [is shocked] What? ...but...

[Wolf walks back in]

**WOLF:** [shocked as well] ...how did this happen?

**JOSH:** sniff ...I failed... ...my Health Final at school... sob [sinks to the floor as dramatically sad music plays]

**(A/N: **Remember, people, this was around... ...um, early March when I wrote this part. I kinda wanted to explain what the hell was going on, so... ...yeah...

**WOLF:** [kneels down to console Josh] Hey, Josh... ...I... sigh ...I'm sorry... ...it'll be better for you to let it out. So...

**JOSH:** sniff ...well, for starters... ...I have a somewhat arrogant and cocky personality... ...one that involves extreme hatred, a lot of distrust, and a tough emotionless shell...

[Simon, Mantis, & Pablo walk back in]

**PABLO:** Well... That explains an awful lot... Your lack of sex life, for instance. Can't really blame you, but ever thought of getting rid of your personality?

**JOSH:** Yeah... ...but that's not what I'm talking about.

**SNAKE:** Yeah. We're talking about how Josh got grounded.

**JOSH:** ...I got grounded?

**MANTIS:** [angrily] You mean you don't fucking remember!?!?!?

**WOLF:** Shut up, Mantis! Can't you see that our beloved friend, the author is in extreme emotional pain?

**JOSH:** Wolf... ...forget it. Just... sniff ...just leave me alone...

**WOLF:** But...

**SNAKE:** Um... ...I don't mean to intrude or anything, but... ...why the hell is this turning into some third-rate drama?

**JOSH:** This story needed a little drama. sniffle

**SIMON:** I thought this was a comedy fic. What's with all this poorly written drama?

**LIQUID:** Good question, man.

**JOSH:** Well... sniff ...there's this one sprite comic... ..."the Adventures of Link & Friends"... ...it had drama!

**LIQUID:** [bluntly] It was just a mini-strip on one of their animated banners showing some guy sayin' "Nobody likes me..."

**JOSH:** So? sniff That's drama!

**SIMON:** I'm going to take this opportunity to tell you all that I, Simon Wolf, have written my own series of comics based on Metal Gear, the forums, and other junk. Remember, you can only see these comics at FFNetMG!

**WOLF:** Feeling better, Josh?

**JOSH:** ...a bit... sniff ...yeah...

**LIQUID:** So... ...I can continue?

**JOSH:** Sure... sniff

**LIQUID:** Okay... ahem from this... ...cabaret... ...well... grumble ... sigh ...bloody, stupid kid... grumble

**JOSH:** "Bloody, stupid kid"? sniffle

**WOLF:** Liquid! Stop that!

**LIQUID:** Stop what?

[Wolf gives him the "You Know What I'm Talking About" look]

**LIQUID:** OH. You mean... ..._THIS_... [looks at Josh] Dumbass.

**JOSH:** sniff WHAT!? cry

**WOLF:** YES, THAT!!!

**LIQUID:** Hmm... "yes..." ...do it... OKAY!!! [turns to Josh] LONER.

**JOSH:** sniff WAAH!!! sob

**WOLF:** Liquid! [does a drop kick on him, then does an elbow drop to his stomach, gets up, and kicks him in the balls]

**LIQUID:** OOH!!! OW!!!

**PABLO: **Whoah! The Argentinian Special Forces... I mean, High School doesn't teach that! Where did you learn?

**WOLF:** Oh... ...I took some Hapkido and Escrima a while back.

**(A/N:** Go, Wolf.

****

**SNAKE:** Um... ...you know... ...the author _WROTE_ this chapter before he typed it. So, he's wasted about... ...hm... 44 pages in a composition book so far... ...or about 21 in MS Word... ...and Liquid has yet to reveal his stupid plan.

**LIQUID:** I did! And it's "A Real Perfect Diabolical Scheme for World Domination and Mass Global Chaos!"

**SNAKE:** Um... ...yeah. What he said.

**JOSH:** ...just go on... sniffle ...nobody likes me... cry

**WOLF: **Come on, Josh... ...I like you...

[insert disturbingly dead silence]

**WOLF:** ...not the "_like_" like.

**SNAKE:** Oh. [grins]

**LIQUID:** I see. [smiles]

**OCELOT:** Okay. [gives Wolf the thumbs-up]

**WOLF:** [blunt look] ...perverts.

AAH!!!

**SNAKE:** What the holy hell was that?

[Link from "The Legend of Zelda" series runs in]

**OCELOT:** Whaddya doing here?

**LINK:** I heard something about a Like-Like.

**(A/N:** For those of you who either haven't played a Zelda game before, have not played one in a while, or have had the extreme luck of not facing one in your entire LoZ gaming experience, a Like-Like is a gelatin-like monster. It primarily eats shields, but is rumored to have eaten other objects like tunics, bombs, and arrows. I've lost about 53 shields, 5 tunics, and 1,794 arrows. Heh, I suck.

****

**SNAKE:** Link, this place is nowhere near Hyrule. Or Holodrum or Labrynna. So... why would a Like-Like even be here? I mean... ...it's not like one's gonna walk in on a gold platter...

[John Clark walks back in, holding a giant Jell-O mold that is sitting on an elaborate gold platter...]

**CLARK:** Um... ...Pablo? I kinda feel sorry for knocking you unconscious, so I made you this Jell-O mold.

**LINK:** AAH!!! [points to the Jell-O] A Like-Like!

**SIMON:** Zwah?

**PABLO:** It's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me!

**CLARK:** What!? Link, this ain't a Like-Like!

**LINK:** Don't worry, "Elite-Special-Forces-Dude-Who-Must-Be-From-The-Future-Because-You're-Definitely-Not-From-Hyrule!" I'll save you! [unsheathes his Master Sword and slashes...]

SPLAT!!!

**DR. EVIL:** [now covered in Jell-O] ...what a fricking idiot.

**JOSH:** I know, man. It'll be worse when I start my How Ocarina of Time Rally Happened story. [takes off a piece of Jell-O] And this'll be Like-Like guts instead of plain Jell-O. [eats the piece] Mmm... ...lime.

**LINK:** [excited] COOL! You mean I'm gonna be in a fan-fic?

**JOSH:** Um, yeah... [nervously] ...after I beat the Water Temple...

**SIMON:** You're a fag, Josh.

**LIQUID:** [scoffs] What a loser.

**PABLO: **I can't be seen with the likes of you again.

**LINK:** Man, Josh, you suck. [looks around the room, seeing "Like-Like guts" all over] Well... [puts away Master Sword, dusts himself off] ...my job here's done. [leaves]

**JOSH:** Well... ..._that_ was odd. Link, I mean.

**LIQUID:** Can I continue explaining what the hell my "Real Perfect Diabolical Scheme for World Domination and Mass Global Chaos" is already!?!?!?

**JOSH:** I don't know. _Can_ you?

**LIQUID:** sigh ..._MAY_ I continue?

**JOSH:** Duh... [mutters under his breath] ...fucking baka.

**LIQUID:** ...I'll pretend I didn't hear that. Anyway, the "Real Perfect Diabolical Scheme for World Domination and Mass Global Chaos" is easy to work with. All we do is...

[insert wavy vision as we warp into the future... ...several months from now... ...if Liquid's plan actually _works_...]

[cut to a live TV feed as TV newscast music plays]

**SOLIDUS:** [wearing a tux over his Snake-Arm Suit] Welcome back to "60-And-A-Half Seconds," the only TV news show with non-controversial events. I think. Anyway, we have another startling story for you. We all know of a hero or heroine in our life that acted as our role-model... sniff ...go, Dad... sniff ...and we have looked up to them at one point in our lives. But what happens when they screw up? What happens when they turn into... [shudders] ...an idiot?

[footage of Snake walking around Shadow Moses is shown]

**SOLIDUS:** That's the legendary Solid Snake, hero of Zanzibar and Outer Heaven. The man who makes the impossible possible. The guy who every soldier wants to be like.

[footage switches to Snake doing ballet in a Speedo]

**PAID AUDIENCE:** GASP!

**SOLIDUS:** ...yes... ...a shocker, isn't it?

[footage switches again to Snake doing the "Chicken Dance" in his house wearing only his boxers]

**PAID AUDIENCE:** GASP!

**SOLIDUS:** [grimly] ...and that's not even the worst of it...

[footage switches to Snake eating escargot watching Barney]

**PAID AUDIENCE:** GASPS AND SHRIEKS!!!

**SOLIDUS:** See? He _is_... [shudders] ...an idiot.

[footage switches to him strapped onto the torture bed]

**SOLIDUS:** As you can see, he's been locked away. I'm George Sears, and remember: if you don't vote for me next election, I'll kill ya. This was "60-And-A-Half Seconds." Good night. Or morning. Or afternoon. Or... ...oh, forget it.

[the wavy vision ends...]

**SNAKE:** ...whoa, whoa, whoa... all of THAT just happened now?

**LIQUID:** No. But it's gonna happen! _(I hope_...

**SNAKE:** So... that's it? Humiliate me and screw up my entire reputation so I look like... [cringes] ...an idiot?

**WOLF:** [contacts Josh via Codec]

**WOLF:** That plan's all you can think of?

**JOSH:** Gimme a break, Wolf. I was grounded, I'm facing a major writer's block, and I wrote all of this up at school whenever I was completely bored. Which was often. Heh.

**WOLF:** Oh. Sorry. Forgot you were grounded.

**JOSH:** It's okay. So, where are you and Otacon going?

**WOLF:** He's taking me out to a restaurant. [grins]

**JOSH:** That's cool! You think Liquid's gonna tail you?

**WOLF:** He'd better not.

**JOSH:** Well, let me call... ...er... ...patch you to... ...damn, what's his number... ...well, it's Otacon's lawyer.

[Josh's face switches to that of Pablo]

**WOLF:** Um... ...wazzup? [smiles]

**PABLO:** Hello, Miss. Or is it Mrs.? Anyway, Pablo Naso, attourney at law.

**WOLF:** Um... ...a number 3 with no pickles and a large Coke?

**PABLO:** What? Does this look like Wender & Kefney, attourneys at law? This is a real Firm!

**WOLF:** ...

**PABLO: **Okay... What is it that you need?

**WOLF:** Um... ...I need... ...I need a restraining order.

**PABLO:** Who's the Sassy boy?

**WOLF:** Liquid.

**PABLO: **How come? Thought he was gay, with all the British accent.

**WOLF:** Well, I'm kinda getting scared... ...I mean... ...well... ...you know how sometimes there's this feeling that you get whenever someone's following you?

**PABLO:** I would be lying if I said I wasn't lying.

**WOLF:** Well, just make it, please?

**PABLO:** I don't traditionally do anything that doesn't lead me to get money. But okay.

**WOLF: **Thanks.

**OCELOT:** Hey, Pablo! Did you, Josh and Wolf all... ...like... ...zone out or something at the same time?

**JOSH:** ...we did?

**WOLF:** Funny... ...I don't think so...

**PABLO:** Ocelot! Are you on drugs?

**LIQUID:** Well, anyway... ...yeah... ...so, shall we get started?

[silence]

[silent silence]

[revered - ]

**SNAKE:** Cut that out!

**JOSH:** Okay! Geez!

**SNAKE:** [smiles, thinking he has some sort of "authority"]

**JOSH:** Party pooper.

**LIQUID:** So, what do you guys think about my plan?

[silence]

**JOSH:** It sucks.

**WOLF:** I'm with Josh.

**SIMON: **What? I don't want no Fop! I'm a Dapper Dan man, dammit!

**SNAKE:** What he said.

**PABLO: **To quote John Kerry, I voted for it before I decided not to.

**OCELOT:** Uh... what Pablo said.

**LIQUID:** Is that what you really think, Ocelot? sniff

**OCELOT:** Um... ...yeah?

**LIQUID:** For saying that, I'm punishing you by forcing you to punish Snake by torturing him.

**OCELOT:** [holds up his right arm – remember, his hand got chopped off in the last chapter] But I'm handicapped now!

**LIQUID:** Improvise! [leaves]

**OCELOT:** ...

[long silence]

**OCELOT:** sigh ...alright... [puts on a shirt with the words "Pro-Torturer At Work!" on the front and the words "No Pain, No Death" on the back] Pro at work! [grabs one of his SAAs] Alright, move it!!! NOW!!!

**JOSH:** Sheesh... ...party pooper...

[everyone but Snake and Ocelot grumbles and leaves]

**OCELOT:** So, Snake... ...how about we start this little dumb torture show? [walks up to Snake, twirling his SAA]

twirl

twirl

thud

**OCELOT:** Ack! [picks up the dropped SAA]

**SNAKE:** [just staring]

**OCELOT:** [points the SAA at Snake] We're going to play a game, Solid Snake. [thumbs the hammer back]

**SNAKE:** Ooh! I love games! How's it work?

**OCELOT:** Simple. I ask a question, and you answer it. You get it right, nothing bad happens. Get it wrong, and you'll feel about 30,000 volts of electricity surge through your body. Of course, if you're a wimp, all you gotta do is tell me you quit. I'll stop, but it'll cost you someone dear to you. For instance... [presses a button on the console, which lowers a projector, a microphone, a camera, and a projection screen] ...say... ...her?

[projected on the screen is a live camera feed of Meryl, who is chained to a wall wearing only her shirt and panties... ...think of Twin Snakes, will ya?]

**MERYL:** Snake!!! Help!!!

**SNAKE:** Meryl! What the hell did this guy do to you?

**MERYL:** Besides bitch-slapping me and shit? Nothing.

**OCELOT:** Well, I _WAS_ gonna strip her nude so you'd be distracted by her and wouldn't pay attention to the questions I asked, but that takes all the fun out of it.

**SNAKE:** Actually, I was hoping she _WAS_ nude. That way, I'd resist the torture even more because I have some... ...say... ..._motivation_... ...if you know what I mean...

**OCLEOT:** ...eheheh...

**MERYL:** [frowns] Shut up, Snake.

[Genomes #11, #12, and #120 walk in]

**GENOME #12:** Zup, Ocelot?

**GENOME #11:** Zup, Snake?

**SNAKE & OCELOT:** Zup.

**GENOME #120: **I like cheese.

[long pause]

**GENOME #11:** ...you killed it. Just killed it.

**OCELOT:** What are you three doing here? I thought that you all were with Josh and Johnny Sasaki, who were supposed to torture Snake! What's going on?

**GENOME #120:** Yea, we ran into some very _bad_ complications... As in "HOLY SHIT" bad.

**[Somewhere else**......**okay, that one place in Washington D.C. where the U.S. Supreme Court works**... ...**the**... ...**what's it called**... ...**the**... ...**Supreme Court Building?]**

****

[In some random men's restroom inside...]

**JOHNNY SASAKI:** [wearing what the bailiffs usually wear and taking a dump in one of the stalls] ...what did I eat?

**ROY CAMPBELL:** [wearing what the judges usually wear and taking a dump in another nearby stall] ...whoa... ...Johnny?

**JOHNNY:** No duh. It's kinda obvious why I'm here. What about you? Caught the "Johnny Sasaki Syndrome" or something?

**CAMPBELL:** No. I accidentally took the spoiled mayo from the lunge refrigerator and put it on my peanut butter and jelly sandwich, so... ...yeah. That's why I'm here.

**JOHNNY:** You put cough _MAYO_... ...on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? God, what kind of idiotic dumbass would do that sort of vile thing!?!?!?

[silence]

**CAMPBELL:** Hey, it was better than Spam!

**JOHNNY:** Oh, _THAT_!?!?!? [stomach groans] Oh, don't even go there! Uhng... ...not again!!!

...**and back on Shadow Moses**...

**GENOME #12: **...um... ...yeah.

**OCELOT:** So, where does Josh play in all of this?

**GENOME #11:** Um... ...well...

**[cut back to the Supreme Court Building]**

****

**JOSH:** [suddenly appears in the judge's stand, wearing whatever judges usually wear] ...WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?

...**and back**...

**OCELOT:** ...so, you're saying that Josh is now a Supreme Court Judge, and that both Campbell and Sasaki have the worst case of "Imaginary Repulsive Substance Diarrhea" ever?

**GENOME #11:** ...I guess. Apparently, Josh somehow got appointed as "Head Punisher" on the forum he goes to. Or, he WAS the "Head Punisher". And now, somebody's on trial. I think somebody's on trial.

**OCELOT:** Me?

**GENOME #12:** No, some guy. I think.

**OCELOT:** Oh, shit.

**GENOME #120: **What the hell is _your_ problem?

**OCELOT:** I'm on "Jury Duty" this week! What case is this?

**GENOME #11:** Um... ...it was... ...case number... ..."7734209."

**OCELOT:** [offended] What? _YOU_ go to hell!

**GENOME #11:** What the...

**OCELOT:** You said "Go to hell!"

**GENOME #12:** You're being paranoid, Ocelot.

**GENOME #11:** I didn't say "Go to hell!" I said "7734209!"

**OCELOT:** [offended again] SEE!?!?!? YOU JUST SAID IT!!!

**MERYL:** Hey! What about me?

**GENOME #120:** Great, now the bitch is complaining...

**MERYL:** I'm on "Jury Duty" too! Although I'm on a different case! #12, it's that one "Robbed-an-old-lady-and-took-about-two-dollars-and-forty-three-cents" case! What is it?

**GENOME #12:** It was... ...uh... ...case number "55378008."

**MERYL:** [horribly offended] WHAT!?!?!?

**GENOME #12:** What? What'd I say?

**MERYL:** You said I was boobless!!! [pulls against her restraints and breaks free, picking up the camera on her side and pointing it to her... ...er... ...chest area...] Look at me! Do I look boobless to you???

**SNAKE:** ..._eheheh_... [drools]

**GENOME #11:** I only said "7734209!"

**OCELOT:** STOP SAYING I'M GOING TO HELL!!!

**GENOME #12:** Meryl, I only said "55378008!!!"

**MERYL: **[seriously offended] WHAT!?!?!? sob

[Liquid barges back in]

**LIQUID:** What the bloody hell is going on here?

**GENOME #120: **Mr. Russian Gun and the panties lady was getting angry.

**LIQUID:** Well... tell these bloody jurors to hurry up!!! Josh has a hectic schedule, and the bloody baka doesn't have time for annoying complaints! [leaves]

**OCELOT:** [angrily] I ain't going to hell! _YOU_ ARE!!!

**GENOME #11:** For the last goddamn time... I said "7734209!"

**OCELOT:** Grr... [grabs his SAA...]

**MERYL:** I am _NOT_ boobless, #12!

**GENOME #12: **[defensively] I never even said that, Meryl!!! All I said was that the case number was "55378008!"

**MERYL:** [extremely angry] Why, you - ! [leaves]

**GENOME #12:** _(What the hell is going on here? Huh - ack!)_

[Meryl walks in and starts choking Genome #12]

**SNAKE:** [sweatdrops] _(This is one big pile of shit...)_

__

Just then, Josh runs in, and trips on a random piece of debris from the door. Heh... ...I love this narrating gig...

**JOSH:** [is seen wearing those judge's robes and getting up] What the fuck is taking so damn long, you fricking bakas???

[everyone stops what they're doing]

**JOSH:** Someone better answer my question, dammit!

**GENOME #120:** They were playing the calculator game.

**JOSH:** What the... ..._OH_. I see. Meryl and Ocelot both understand "Calculator Lingo," guys.

**GENOMES #11 & 12:** Huh?

**JOSH:** Um... ...I'll show you guys. [opens the Fourth Dimension – hey I haven't done that in a while – and grabs a regular 99¢ calculator] The case numbers coincidentally are the exact same numbers used with certain calculator messages. Watch. [punches in numbers, and shows it to the confused Genomes] "7734209," right? Well, flip it upside down... [flips it upside-down, revealing the message "GO2HELL"]

**GENOME #11:** Oh! I see!

**JOSH:** And #12... [types] "55378008," correct? Well... [flips the calculator, showing "BOOBLESS"] ...yeah. Okies?

**GENOME #12:** Yeah. Got it.

**OCELOT & MERYL:** [realize their mistakes and bow their heads in shame] We're sorry for the misunderstanding.

**JOSH:** Uh-huh. Sure. Whatever. Just get outta here! Both of those trials are on RIGHT NOW!!! Move it!

**OCELOT:** What?

**MERYL;** [realizes her current attire won't work] Shit! Give me a minute, Josh! [rushes out]

[silence]

**OCELOT:** Um... ...can I have my hand back?

**JOSH:** No.

**OCELOT:** Okay.

[three seconds of silence later]

**OCELOT:** Can't I?

**JOSH:** NO.

**OCELOT:** 'Kay...

[about fifty-four seconds of silence later]

**OCELOT:** But - !

**JOSH:** NO! Get it in your head!

**OCELOT:** Sheesh...

[Meryl rushes back in, wearing a T-shirt and a mini-skirt]

**JOSH:** [whistles]

**GENOME #12:** Whoa... ...hot...

**MERYL:** [smiles] I see that some people like me... [winks]

**SNAKE:** ...eheheh... [drools]

**MERYL:** [bluntly] ...although _certain_ people make that a little _too _obvious... [shakes her head]

**GENOME #11:** We should go now.

**OCELOT:** But... ...the torture session.

**JOSH:** Relax. That's why I sent in Genome #120, man. Er...

**GENOME #120: **Hell, I'll do it.

**OCELOT:** You _sure_ you can do this?

**GENOME #120: **Yup! Lucky I brought my lucky stick! _(I said lucky two times!)_

**OCELOT:** Okay, then. Let's go.

**JOSH:** Finally... ...I wanna get this over with. I'll be tired, and bored, and hungry... ...anyone want McDonald's after this?

**GENOME #12:** Oh! [jumps up and down raising his hands] ME!!!

**MERYL:** I want Yoshinoya!!!

**GENOME #12:** Oh! I want a Beef Bowl!

**OCELOT:** Screw you guys. I want El Pollo Loco!!!

**MERYL:** ..."The Crazy Chicken?" You want a crazy chicken?

**OCELOT:** sigh ...the restaurant!

**JOSH:** That place is _good_...

**OCELOT:** Yeah. Gotta have chicken.

**GENOME #11:** Forget you guys. I'm going to Pizza Hut!

[silence]

**GENOME #11:** What the hell is wrong with Pizza Hut?

[silence]

**OCELOT:** Screw my idea! Let's do what he said!!!

**JOSH:** Okay, then! #120, you want anything?

**GENOME #120: **ADOBO PIZZA!

**JOSH: **Okay.

**MERYL:** I want a veggie pizza!

**GENOME #12:** Hawaiian!

**OCELOT:** Meat Lover's!

**GENOME #11:** Pepperoni!

**JOSH:** Stop arguing! We'll get 'em all!

**GENOME #11:** What about a Supreme Pizza?

**JOSH:** We'll need a couple of those! I _LOVE_ Supreme!

**GENOME #11:** Cool! [gives Josh a high-five]

[everyone but Genome #120 and Snake leave]

**SNAKE: **[reads the above line] No shit. I still can't get out of this stupid thing!

**GENOME #120: **Don't make me use my stickality.

**SNAKE:** What? Why do I have to listen to you?

**GENOME #120: **So I can get you out without you touching everything. And shooting more guards...

**SNAKE:** [suspiciously] Who _are _you?

[Genome #120 takes off his balaclava, revealing...]

**SNAKE:** Riak Karasawa, the "Anti-Exodia Unit" card Mantis had when I dueled him in Chapter 10!?!?!?

**RIAK:** Yes! It me! And I brought ketchup!

**SNAKE:** ...um, so how are you gonna get me outta here?

**RIAK:** Uhh, I dunno...

**SNAKE:** Well, that sucks. Anyway, just try to get me out. And I know that I'm just a made-up character in the video game world. And I know that kids will probably be in the torture session in MGS. So, how do we make it so that it looks like Ocelot is still here torturing me?

[Riak then holds up a videotape labeled "Josh's Stupid, Non-Existent Video That Shows How He Got Through MGS"]

**SNAKE:** Nice. You've seen the tape?

**RIAK: **That's why I brought this ketchup.

**SNAKE:** Cool. Well, there's a VCR near that desk. Pop it in.

[Riak does as the screen fades]

**RIAK: **Ten years later...

**MEANWHILE**......**ONCE THE VIDEO IS PLAYING**...

**MANTIS:** [is playing MGS on his PlayStation when the videotape suddenly takes over] WHAT THE FUCKING HELL!?!?!?

**MEI LING:** [sitting behind Mantis] Huh? What happened?

**MANTIS:** I don't know! It must be a glitch!

[Solidus walks in, looking at the footage]

**OCELOT (TV):** _...press the "Circle" button repeatedly..._

**SOLIDUS:** I don't see anything wrong.

**MEI LING:** Yeah, Mantis. Same here.

**MANTIS:** Blind fuckers.

...**AND BACK**...

**SNAKE:** ...well, how am I gonna escape? I mean, you can't really break this thing... ...unless...

**RIAK:** Should we use the ketchup?

**SNAKE:** ...unless we figure out which button on that console over there controls the restraints!!!

[camera pans to show the control console for the torture bed as a random choir walks in and signs on a high note]

**RIAK:** [walks over] Crap. They're blank.

[the choir falters, chokes, and runs away]

**SNAKE:** Well, that sucks. Why don't you press a button?

click

sizzle

**SNAKE:** [nervously] Uh... ...what was that?

**RIAK:** The sound of freedom?

**SNAKE:** Could be.

spark

**SNAKE:** Why do I get the feeling that Josh is somehow gonna get revenge on me using his legendary "FILIPINO POWER!!!"?

[without warning the electricity turns on, shocking Snake]

**SNAKE:** AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

...**MEANWHILE**...

**MANTIS:** [mashing the Circle button as hard as he can]

**MEI LING:** Go, Mantis!!!

**SOLIDUS:** Dude, my dad could _CRAWL_ faster than that!!!

**MANTIS:** No fucking duh! Your dad's Big Boss!!!

**SOLIDUS:** ...oh, yeah, huh?

**MEI LING:** [whispering to Mantis] That short-term memory thing runs in the family, huh?

**MANTIS:** [whispering back] I guess.

...**AND BACK**...

**SNAKE:** ...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

**RIAK:** [is just standing there with his mouth open]

[the electricity stops flowing]

**SNAKE:** GASP!!!

...**MEANWHILE**...

**MANTIS:** GASP!!! [drops the controller]

**MEI LING:** YAY!!! YOU DID IT!!! WOOT!!!

**SOLIDUS:** Yeah. Go ahead and celebrate. Throw a party. But this was only the first part.

**MANTIS:** [face turns paler than pale – but since he's pretty much albino-skinned and since he always wears that stupid gas mask on his face, who the fuck cares???]

**SOLIDUS:** [waves hand in front of Mantis' face] You okay?

**MANTIS:** [keels over and faints]

**MEI LING:** ...

**SOLIDUS:** Oh, well. Who's up for Mortal Kombat?

**MEI LING:** [excitedly jumps up] ME!!! I'M KITANA!!!

**SOLIDUS:** Pffh... ...Sub-Zero will kick her ass!!!

**MEI LING:** [narrows her eyes] I'll make you eat those words.

**SOLIDUS:** [scoffs] Sure you will, "China-Girl."

**MEI LING:** [offended] What!? Stupid "Cyclops!"

**SOLIDUS:** [also offended] You're going down, "China-Girl."

**MEI LING:** [pops in the disc] No – YOU are, "Cyclops."

...**AND BACK**...

[the power has gone out all over Shadow Moses]

**SNAKE:** ...um... what happened?

**RIAK:** Uh... the power... exploded?

**RANDOM VOICE FROM NOWHERE:** MORTAL KOMBAT!!!

[insert Mortal Kombat theme music]

**SNAKE:** Oh, no. [receives a call] Um...

**SNAKE:** Yello.

**GENOME #11: **Snake, something wrong there?

**SNAKE:** Yeah, there is – hey, how'd you know?

**GENOME #11:** ESP, I guess.

**SNAKE:** [quizzical look] "...Electronic Skip Protection?"

**GENOME #11:** sigh "Extra-Sensory Perception," dumbass.

**SNAKE:** Oh... _OH_! Um, I knew that... ...heh...

**GENOME #11:** Right. Well, are there any odd things happening there? Like random voices from nowhere and strange music?

**SNAKE:** Dude, how'd you know!?

**GENOME #11:** _(...he forgot ALREADY?)_

**SNAKE:** Oh... ...that "Electronic Skip Protection" thing.  
**GENOME #11:** It's "Extra-Sensory Perception," you idiot.

**SNAKE:** Yeah. See? "Electronic Skip Protection."

**GENOME #11:** That's for CD players!!! This is... [realizes it's hopeless to attempt to persuade Snake] ...ah, forget it. Look, there's an "Emergency Power Generator Activation" button on the console that Riak's standing next to. Tell him to look for a large, red, circular button.

**SNAKE:** Dude, it's pitch-black in here. How the hell can –

**GENOME #11:** It's called, "Glow-In-The-Dark," baka.

**SNAKE:** [tries to look] It's not on. I don't see it.

**GENOME #11: **sigh Ever tried looking the _other_ way?

**SNAKE:** [listens to Genome #11 and finds the button] OH!

**GENOME #11:** ...moron...

**RIAK: **Why did you just stop there?

**SNAKE:** Oh... ...um... ...Genome #11 called me.

**RIAK: **What he want?

**SNAKE:** Um... ...I dunno. I forgot.

[insert disturbing silence]

cricket chirps

cough-cough

ahem!

tick-tock

**RIAK:** Fucking idiot...

**SNAKE:** You're SO lucky I'm still trapped in this thing, because I'd – hey! What's that thing over there?

[there's a red glow coming from the console's direction]

**RIAK: **Maybe it's something that I should touch.

[random yelling is coming from the hallway]

**SNAKE: **Huh? What was that noise?

**???#5: **Shut the fuck up, Snake.

**???#7: **Hey! Everyone alright?

**???#9:** Um, I guess... ...but why am I called "???#9?"

**???#4:** Because you dissed my Filipino heritage, baka.

**???#9:** That was Liquid! I was still on this thing!!!

**???#4:** ...oh. But still...

**???#8: **Stop being a fag for like 2 seconds.

**???#7: **You freaking Eminem fan!

**???#9:** Uh... ...what they said.

**???#4:** You said that so you could get a random line, huh?

**???#7: **I hope I get paid after this.

**???#5: **I have a Japanese girlfriend. Suck on it, bitch!

**???#8: **I like cheese.

**???#10: **CHEESE!!!

**???#5: **I'm afraid to ask, but who was that?

**???#8: **You stole my line! Fucking ninja!

**???#10:** PSYCHO!!!  
  
**???#8: **...

**???#4: **Randomness rocks, don't it?

**???#5: **OH, GOD, THE DEMOCRATS ARE TAKING AWAY MY DELICIOUS FREEDOM!

**???#7: **Where's President Bush... I mean, Sears when you need him?

**???#8: **I think I left my magic on.

**???#9: **Yo! I'm still not free here!  
  
**???#4:** Hold on, Snake. I'll get you – whoa!

thud

**???#4:** Um... ...I'm fine.

**???#7: **Ha! That was sad... you... loser... guy.

**???#4:** Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you do this, Pablo!

**???#7:** Okay... Not. Why exactly?

**???#4:** Um... ...what about you, Riak?  
  
**???#8: **I don't feel like it.

**???#4: **Oh, well. Snake, you're screwed.

**???#9:** ...

**???#4:** Well, in that case... ...who wants Snake's paycheck?

**???#10:** ME! ME! ME!  
  
**???#9:** That's not cool, Josh.

**???#4:** Can it, you idiot. Anyway, if any of you were to get Snake's paycheck, currently worth 1.3 _TRILLION_ U.S. Dollars, what would you get?

**???#7: **Enough guns and ammo to survive a three year siege, a constantly updated PC, and an acceptable Internet connection.

**???#8: **I'd buy a island, and make laws that I'd get free money!

**???#4: **I'd buy a Kawasaki Ninja, and a decent bed. And maybe a pistol so I could kill both of these author-type bastards.

**???#10:** CHEESE!!!

**???#9: **Grr... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

snap

**???#9: **YYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGG - !!!

snap-snap

snappity-snap-snap

break

**???#9:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH - !!!

thud

**???#9:** [muffled] ...ugh... ...I'm... ...okay...

[the lights and power go back on, and we see Snake sprawled over the control console with his head mashed on the "Emergency Power Generator Activation Button"]

**JOSH:** Well, at least the power's back on.

**NINJA:** CHEESE!!!

**SNAKE:** groan [gets up using the console as support]

click

[insert a klaxon and blaring lights]

**JOSH:** [looks at Snake and notices that his hand is on a button] Um... [nervously] ...Snake, did you... ...press something?

**SNAKE:** [lifts his hand and looks] Oh, shit.

**JOSH:** [runs over] Which one?

**SNAKE:** [points] That one.

**JOSH:** [reads the text aloud] "The button that Revolver Ocelot installed on this here console that should only be pressed in the event that his plan to steal the Metal Gear Rex data fails, resulting in spontaneously instantaneous death, destruction, and an evil laugh from the Cyborg Ninja that sounds a lot like the word 'Cheese'". ...that sucks.

**SIMON:** Oh, nice job, Snake.  
**  
PABLO: **Oh! A great job coming from a great man!

**RIAK: **Just great Snake... I knew I should've saved my game...

**NINJA: **CCCCCCCHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSEEEEEEE!!!  
  
**JOSH:** ...did that sound like an evil laugh?

**NINJA:** CHAOS!!! evil laugh

**NINJA: **HELL!!! evil laugh

**NINJA:** EXPLOSIONS!!! evil laugh

**NINJA:** ERADICATION!!! evil laugh

**NINJA:** SLAUGHTER!!! evil laugh

**NINJA:** END!!! evil laugh

[everyone just looks at Ninja, giving him the "What-in-the-fuck-did-you-just-say!?" look]

**NINJA:** CHEESE!!! [puts his arms up]

[everyone is still giving him said look]

**NINJA:** What? It's just an acronym. Bakas.  
  
**SNAKE:** Well, let's get the hell outta here!

**JOSH:** You're forgetting your gear, dumbass.  
  
**SNAKE: **Oh, yeah, huh? [grabs that big case with all his stuff in it] Let's see... ...who's got a checklist?  
  
**JOSH:** [pulls one out] Moi. ahem H&K Mk.23?  
  
**SNAKE:** [opens case] Check.  
  
**JOSH:** FAMAS-F1?  
  
**SNAKE:** Yep.  
  
**JOSH:** MRE's? (Meals Ready to Eat)  
  
**SNAKE:** Um... munch ...check... munch Hey, buttery...  
  
**JOSH: **Ocelot's half-eaten pickled pig's feet sandwich?  
  
**SNAKE:** Ugh... [picks up a Ziploc baggie with the sandwich inside it] Geez, this thing's moldy...

**JOSH:** Liquid's thermos of spoiled soy milk?  
  
**SNAKE:** [picks up thermos] What the - ! Oh, God! No! [throws it over at the door, denting it] SICK!!!

**JOSH:** ...well, that's a yes. Um... ...M67 frag grenades?

**SNAKE:** Um... ...no...

**NINJA:** [grabs the list from Josh] ...Cheese Box?  
  
**SNAKE:** Since when did I get that?

**NINJA:** Well, we telemarketers have our ways...

**SNAKE:** [shrugs, then looks, and finds a cheese box]

**JOSH:** Wow. That's a yes. Um... [snatches the list back from the Ninja] Your Nikita?

**SNAKE:** Yep.

**JOSH:** PVS5 Thermal Goggles and D2MV NVG's?  
  
**SNAKE:** [rummages through box] Check... ...and... ...check.

**SIMON: **Deodorant?  
**  
SNAKE:** Huh? What's that?  
  
**SIMON:** It's a method of keeping you stink-free, which you obviously don't know about, STINKY!

**SNAKE:** Hey! That's uncalled for!  
  
**JOSH: **Um... ...cardboard boxes?  
  
**SNAKE:** Check.

**JOSH: **MO Disc?  
  
**SNAKE: **...whaddya know... ...I still got it. Check.  
  
**PABLO:** "Dulce De leche"? Although I should say "Milk Candy!"...

**SNAKE:** Um... ...what?  
  
**PABLO: **You know... Milk and Sugar boiled to make a wonderful paste!  
**  
SNAKE:** Hey! Shut up! Stop acting like I'm dumb!  
  
**NINJA:** CHEESE!!!  
  
**SNAKE:** Hey, Ninja telemarketer person! Stop being stupid!  
  
**JOSH:** Your _face_ is stupid.  
  
**SNAKE:** Your _mother_ is stupid!  
  
**JOSH:** Your mother's a whore.

**SNAKE:** _DAMMIT!!!_

__

**(A/N: **If anyone here reads the webcomic "The Last Days Of FOXHOUND", then you probably know where I got this. If you don't, or if you haven't read it, then go to and start reading. It's just fucking hilarious! Oh, and if you wanted to know, it's from comic #109: "Rules of Engagement". It's one of my favorites!

**JOSH:** clears throat Anyway... PAL Key?

**SNAKE:** Yep.  
  
**JOSH:** M25 binoculars?  
  
**SNAKE:** Yea.

**RIAK: **Ratan sticks?

**SNAKE:** [confused] What!?

**RIAK: **It's a wood commonly found in the Philippines used to make fighting sticks used during wars when they couldn't use machetes.

**SNAKE:** What the fucking hell is with you guys!?  
  
**JOSH:** Hey! Shut up! I sure the readers are getting tired of your constant nagging already! So chill out so we can finish this and start filming Chapter 14! Capiche!?

**SNAKE:** Okay... ...well, what is it?  
  
**JOSH:** What, you mean the title?  
  
**SNAKE:** Yeah, you freaking baka!  
  
**JOSH: **sigh _(...why the hell did I allow them to use self-depreciation? Oh, yeah... ...so they get paid _LESS Okay...  
  
**NINJA:** So, what is it?  
  
**JOSH:** Chapter 14 is titled "Attack of the Genomes".

[everyone starts to laugh]

**JOSH:** What's so funny?

**SIMON:** Josh, it's sad that you had to rip off a title. It's even sadder that you ripped it off the mother-fucking second Star Wars movie, you piece of monkey spit.  
**  
RIAK: **Holy shit josh, first blatantly ripping off Austin Powers then using the title of a bad movie? What's your next chapter going to be called? "Dude where's my M16"?  
**  
PABLO: **Hahah! You... bad movie... title... ripping... guy!

**JOSH:** [blunt look] ...uh-_huh_... ...look guys, we got a slight problem. Come with me and I'll explain the details. [opens a portal to the Fourth Dimension with his "FILIPINO POWER!!!" and jumps inside]

[the others look at each other, shrug, and jump in too]

**MEANWHILE... ...SOMEWHERE IN COURT...**

****

**WOLF:** [in that Jury Box thing] Where's the judge?  
  
**OCELOT:** [he's a juror too] Shut it, Wolf!  
  
**MERYL:** [who's also a juror] Why don't _you_ shut it, Ocelot?

**OCELOT:** I don't hafta! I'm older! Respect your elders!

[juror too] And respect those higher in rank than you!  
  
**OCELOT:** EEP!!! [turns around to find the owner of the voice – Solidus Snake] Um... ...hi? Mister President? Heh... ...um...?

...**AND NOW TO THE FOURTH DIMENSION...**

****

[we see nothing but, um, white... uh... space...]

[a portal opens, and the group lands]

**RIAK:** Where the hell is this place? Friggen Chuck E. Cheese's?

**JOSH:** Not even close. It's The Fourth Dimension.  
  
**NINJA:** Sweet.

[everyone but Josh looks around]

**PABLO: **Why are we here exactly?  
**  
JOSH:** This is the location of my personal armory. We're here to grab what weapons we want so we can kick some idiotic Genome ass.  
  
**SNAKE:** Whoa...

[everyone but Josh looks around again]  
  
**SIMON:** Ugh. I'm going to go along with your little Matrix parody. [puts on Keanu Reeves bland voice] Josh, where's what we need? And what we need it guns. Lots of guns.  
**  
JOSH:** Hold on a sec... [claps hands]

[racks and racks of weapons appear out of nowhere]

**SNAKE:** [is clearly surprised] WHOA...  
  
**NINJA:** [also surprised] HOLY FUCKING MERCIFUL SHIT...  
  
**PABLO: **[surprised as well] HOLY JESUS MCCHRIST!  
**  
SIMON:** [surprised too] Meh, I saw it coming.  
**  
RIAK:** [surprised also] More movie rippoffs...  
**  
SNAKE:** This is gonna be sweet! [grabs FAMAS ammo, another SOCOM and another FAMAS for backup, extra SOCOM ammo, M67 fragmentation grenades, and a hatchet] Let's go! [grabs a tomato ketchup bottle]  
  
**JOSH:** They'll never know what hit them. [grabs a Colt M4A2SD/M203 SOPMOD, a Heckler & Koch USP9SD, a Kalashnikov AKS-74uSD-UBN/BS1 and a FN Five-Seven for backup, spare ammo for the weapons, a duo of AN-M8 Smoke Grenades, a switchblade combat survival knife, and a cheeseburger]

**SIMON: **I'll hit 'em so hard, their babies will come out bruised. [takes a Heckler-Koch MSG-90, a pair of Colt Pythons, a G11, a pair of Beretta M93Rs, spare ammo for all of them, a LAW, a dotanuki, and a pack of condoms]

**PABLO: **I plan on whippin' some butt, so...[takes a H&K UMP-45, chambered for the 11.25 x 23mm ACP round, a .40 Smith & Wesson USP, NVG's, picklocks. spare ammo, some C4, a SEAL2000 knife, and some chewing-gum]

**RIAK: **They'll wish they had cut off their leg to mask the huge amount of hurt they're in for.[takes a 240 Bravo, an M5, a M40A1 Sniper rifle, a Desert Eagle, spare ammo for all of them, a SEMTEX C4 explosives pack, a Machete, and a Kraft Singles slice of American cheese]  
**  
NINJA:** Hey! What about me?  
  
**SNAKE:** You'll just steal all of the kills!  
  
**NINJA:** Aw, no fair!  
  
**JOSH:** Actually, I have a special mission for you, Ninja. How do you feel about extraction recon missions?

**NINJA:** They're okay. So what is it?  
  
**JOSH:** I'll explain in detail later. [claps hands as the racks of weapons disappear and the lights (if there even are any) turn off]

[silence]  
  
**SNAKE:** Whoa... ...you installed a Clapper?  
  
**JOSH:** Yeah. Isn't it a catchy jingle? Ninja knows it!  
  
**NINJA:** Clap on! [clap-clap] Clap off! [clap-clap] Clap on! Clap off! The Clapper! [clap-clap]

**JOSH:** Yep.

[everyone finally realizes it's dark]

**NINJA:** Ooh... ...spooky.

[A soft blue glow appears in the middle of the room as a hologram appears, showing a diagram of the Communications Towers. Josh now walks in dressed in a USN Captain's uniform, standing next to the hologram. The others are seen sitting down on chairs on the opposite side]

**JOSH:** Alright, gentlemen, there's the current sitrep, and your orders for deployment, effective immediately. [grabs a remote and presses a button as the hologram zooms in on the Underground Passageway, showing five dots – each in various colors] Notice the five dots an the entrance of the passageway. I'm the black dot. Snake's the green one. Simon, Pablo, and Riak are the white dots. Before we continue, guys, pick a color other than black or green.

**SIMON: **Grey, fucksicle.  
**  
PABLO: **Um... ...purple?  
**  
RIAK: **Blue, the color of bottle caps.  
**  
**[the three dots change colors]  
  
**JOSH:** Okay. Good. I recently ordered Galena Air Force Base to initiate a reconnaissance mission over Shadow Moses airspace. [looks at his watch] Currently, we got a U-2 spy plane equipped with live IR feed to give us an idea of what we are facing. Red dots are Genomes. [presses a button]

[slowly, an infinite amount of red dots start filling up the tower, and loads more appear in Tower B and around the bases of both towers]

**SNAKE:** [jaw drops] Dear God...

**JOSH:** Alright. Here's how we deal with it. [presses a button, showing the five dots moving to the front of Tower A] We have no choice but to storm in and give them hell.

[all the dots except for the black one go inside the tower]

**JOSH:** Yep. You four will be attacking them, killing them, blowing their insides out, et cetera. [presses a button]

[the black dot is seen moving away from the towers, going towards the Heliport on the other side]

**JOSH:** While you do that, I'll be providing air support. There's a CH-47 "Chinook" and KA-60 "Kasatka" en route here. I'll be taking your spare weapons and supplies to the Chinook while I hitch a ride back to Galena.

[A Chinook appears on the heliport as the black dot moves towards it but doesn't go in. The Chinook takes off as the Kasatka lands, and the black dot gets in.]

**JOSH:** The Chinook will be hovering around the 9th floor. The crew is made up of people from various SPECOPS groups. Call them if you need any of your other gear or a bit of cover fire. They'll also pick off any others if necessary.

[a squadron of fighters appear in the hologram]

**JOSH:** Once I land in Galena, I'll be taking command of a fighter squad and we'll be doing air skirmishes on them. Plus, we'll also guard the local airspace, just in case. Alright, before I end the mission briefing, does anyone have any questions? Anyone? [Ninja raises his hand] Yeah?

**NINJA:** So what's my role?

**JOSH:** Rations aren't everyone's favorite meals. Although I found them to be tasty. Anyway, I know you have gift certificates for various restaurants. What were they?

**NINJA:** Erm... ...they were... ...lesse... ...McDonalds, Burger King, KFC, Rubio's, IHOP, Denny's, Yoshinoya, Jollibee –

**JOSH:** Stop right there. Jollibee? You serious?  
  
**NINJA:** Yeah. Why?

**JOSH:** Dude, I LOVE that place!  
  
**SNAKE:** What is that place?  
  
[insert the Psycho theme while a brick wall smashes into a car... ...or was it the other way around? I dunno...]

**JOSH:** [completely shocked] You don't fucking know!?

**SNAKE:** [meekly] ...no?

**JOSH: **Why, it's the Philippines' #1 fast food chain! They should make one here in Camarillo! It'd be COOL!

**SNAKE:** Uh, yea, sure...

**JOSH:** Ninja, the closest one I know of is in Carson, California. So order everything. Oh, and could you stop by L.A. Chinatown? There's this bubble tea shop there. Get me a large watermelon one. Oh, make that two.

**NINJA:** I was planning on stopping there anyway. Mmm... ...boba.

**JOSH:** Yep... ...so, anyone else have any questions?

[silence]

**JOSH:** Good. You have your orders. We'll move out as soon as Ninja returns with the food. Fall out! [claps hands]

[the hologram thing goes off, which results in pitch-black darkness all around, resulting in silence]

[more silence]

**NINJA:** Ooh... ...spooky.

**JOSH:** Will you shut up!?

**= END OF CHAPTER XIII =**

Even though this is the longest chapter in this story, it's not my best. Well, time for the post-story announcements.

**1.) THE FIRST ANNUAL MGS FAN-FIC AWARDS CEREMONY!  
**Yes, you heard me right. If you're an MGS fan-fic writer, you have to hear about this! This is an unofficial thing, but still honorable in its own right. The idea was created by fellow MGS fan-fic writer Shade Wolf. There are many awards being given out, such as Best Fic, Best (insert genre here) Fic, Best Author, Worst Author, et cetera. Go to , sign up, and nominate whoever you think deserves whatever award! Oh, and don't be afraid to vote for yourself.

**2.) EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED IN THAT, SIGN UP ANYWAY!**

Again, it's . You can learn a LOT about other's fan-fics, and you'll understand this story (among others) even better. Why? Because there's stuff that goes on in there that doesn't go on here.

**WOLF:** [shows her right hand to the camera, revealing a wedding ring] Like this! I got married to Otacon! Cute!

**ELIJAH SLERVANSK:** (from Pablosky's fic Metal Gear Solid: ECLIPSE Team) And I'll make appearances here from now on!

**WOLF:** They don't even know who the hell you are.

**ELIJAH:** They will if they sign up!

**WOLF:** Well, to clarify things to you all right now, Elijah here is my older brother. And no, he's not an official MGS character or anything. He's an OC. Original Character.

**ELIJAH:** Yeah. And her name is Layla.

**WOLF:** Yeah. It's made up as well, but Josh liked it.

**JOSH:** And no, I didn't make this up. Go read Pablosky's story. You'll see.

**3.) MY FORUM IS BACK ONLINE!!!**

**JOSH:** Due to a few "problems"...

**SNAKE:** cough Daniel Sullivan cough

**JOSH:** Yeah. Anyway, we had to relocate the board so he couldn't track us down.

**SNAKE:** Wondering who this Sullivan person is? Well, lemme explain. See, he's this fucked up idiot over in Camarillo High School. Anyway, he's racist towards Mexicans and Germans and he hates "geeks" with a passion.

**JOSH:** One of the many ironies of this is that he is one himself. He's a freaking Counter-Strike addict. Also he lies about everything and thinks he can get away with it.

**SNAKE:** Anyway, he hates Josh for those reasons as well as others. We don't know what they are yet.

**JOSH:** Pretty much everyone that knows him here hates him. If you want more info on this, or you want to say shit to him because he's a racist dick and a complete baka, go over to my Xanga. Why? He uses it to insult my friends and me.

**SNAKE:** Plus, he uses whatever friends he has to insult them also. Kinda sad. There was this one post that either he or one of his friends wrote. It was sick. [shudders] Let's just say it involved yaoi-ish behavior.

**JOSH:** [slightly shudders] Yeah. Anyway, because of him, I had to relocate my message board. The url's torant. Sign up today, please!

**SNAKE:** Unlike most forums, this is a forum for ANYTHING. It's really cool. C'mon, join!

**4.) UPDATE ON HMGSRH: SURVIVOR! ALL 40 SLOTS ARE FULL!**

There's also a slight problem I'm having. See, I want some more info and stuff from you guys and girls for the contest. Now, you're probably saying, "Pfft. I'll just tell him on the review." DON'T. I don't want this story to be deleted and crap. Yeah.

**GENOME #11:** Anyway, He needs the following info. Here's an example to go along with it. Namely, Josh's info.

**JOSH:** Hey!

**NAME: **(your real name) Josh D. Blanco

**CALLSIGN: **(your pen name, your AIM/MSN name, your nickname, et cetera) jduran89

**ONE ITEM YOU'D BRING:** (for those who registered already, I got it down, but if you want to confirm it or want to have something else...) The Fourth Dimension

**SHOULD MERYL LIVE OR DIE?** (again, I have this already if you registered, but if you have a change of heart...) Live

**YOUR MOTTO:** (you know what a motto is) FILIPINO POWER!!!

**HOW YOU KNOW JOSH:** (Josh is me. Um...) Uh... ...I'm me...

**WHY YOU REGISTERED:** (Why did you?) It's my contest...

And now, I leave you with the 40 people who registered! The people with a asterisk () do not need to resend any info.

**01.) Solid Snake **

**02.) Liquid Snake **

**03.) Solidus Snake **

**04.) Meryl Silverburgh **

**05.) Colonel Roy Campbell **

**06.) Doctor Naomi Hunter **

**07.) Mei Ling **

**08.) Nastasha Romanenko **

**09.) Revolver Ocelot **

**10.) Doctor Hal Emmerich **

**11.) Genome #11 **

**12.) Genome #12 **

**13.) Vulcan Raven **

**14.) Psycho Mantis **

**15.) Sniper Wolf **

**16.) Cyborg Ninja **

**17.) Johnny Sasaki **

**18.) A Monkey Named Bob **

**19.) Josh D. Blanco **

**20.) Shade Wolf**

**21.) Pablosky**

**22.) Riak Karasawa **

**23.) Dragon Master's Mistress**

**24.) Master Fruit Cake**

**25.) Dark Knight Gafgar**

**26.) TheMonkey22**

**27.) Ghost1328**

**28.) MGS S. Snake**

**29.) Ghost Sniper**

**30.) Super Chibi Blender Man**

**31.) Alex Brinkman **

**32.) Eric Zimmerman **

**33.) Michael Groom **

**34.) Ryan Freeman **

**35.) Ryan Uyematsu **

**36.) Jenny Bork **

**37.) Jessica Gallaway **

**38.) David Baldwin **

**39.) Andre Dufrain **

**40.) Elijah Slervansk **

**If I misspelled anyone's names, I'm sorry!**

Well, there's what I need. Don't place it in your review unless you don't go online on a regular basis. Here's how to reach me.

**E-MAIL: **

**AIM:** jduran89 (I'm on unless I'm out, I'm sleeping, or playing Counter-Strike.)

**MSNIM: ** (Don't e-mail me there. I don't answer it. Seriously.)

**XANGA: **

****

**5.) ARE YOU A FAN-FIC WRITER AND A GUNBOUND PLAYER?  
**If your answer is yes, and if you're looking for a guild, then look no further. Join "FanFics"! I made this guild. Basically, I was thinking I'd spread the word about fanfiction, and what better way than GunBound? Well, the only requirement to join (other than the obvious "Be a Metal Axe" thing) is to be either a fan-fic writer or an avid fan-fic reader. Please sign up today!

**AGAIN, I AM _VERY SORRY_ FOR THE SEVEN MONTH HIATUS.  
PLEASE FORGIVE ME.**

**Now, one final thing. If you were too lazy to check for your name, here's the list of people who NEED to send in the other info.**

**Shade Wolf**

**Pablosky**

**Dragon Master's Mistress**

**Master Fruit Cake**

**Dark Knight Gafgar**

**TheMonkey22**

**Ghost1328**

**MGS S. Snake**

**Ghost Sniper**

**Super Chibi Blender Man**

**Alex Brinkman **

**Eric Zimmerman **

**Michael Groom **

**Thank you for reading! I'll see you all later!**

**- Josh D. Blanco**

"There's a spoon in my ear!"  
- Dr. Hobo, VG Cats


End file.
